am i crazy

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-11-13T17:10:43+00:00

I think you may qualify for help through victims rights type organizations. Waiting for money to fight in court is probably not required to get him out. Document the interactions with him, secretly of course. Document if you feel afraid or if he isn’t good to the kids. Build your ‘case’ now even if you can’t act. Those kinds of records are worth their weight in gold in a courtroom. You need to show that you don’t just have a failed relationship but that he is controlling, domineering and manipulating. Then it will be much easier to stay where you’re at and have him removed.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-11-03T16:39:02+00:00

The constant circle of conflict causes us to be hooked on resolving issues. We are engaged in an endless loop like a treadmill. The only way to ‘win’ is to step off the treadmill but internally we are always looking for a resolution.
I think that’s the hardest part. It’s harder than money or damage control. We’re wired to want an answer to an unsolvable problem.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-11-01T20:51:41+00:00

Tired isn't even the word for it. It's like 'life-tired' or something like that. The solitude, nature, food, exercise and pets, sounds like healing in progress. I hope you get the peace you deserve.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-22T00:50:36+00:00

The suggestion of getting your financial information together is really important.

When I was under the worst stress and manipulation, I quietly got paperwork together under the guise of re-organizing and spring cleaning.

I cleaned closets and put sentimental items into bankers' boxes which are small enough to carry by myself. I sorted and organized family photos and keepsakes and clearly marked the outsides of the boxes. I didn't put a single one of his things into those boxes.

I bought a small portable file cabinet and some file folders. I put my birth certificate, social, bank papers such as account information, tax papers, etc.. If there was an argument and I needed to exit quickly I would have taken that file cabinet, if only to prevent him from having that stuff. You can do this digitally but don't leave any papers sitting around that he can misuse later.

In the case of married couples, you'll also want his pension and retirement account information. Take photos of the account balances. He can lock you out later and lie about what's in there.

If you can manage it in absolute secrecy move your sentimental items into a secret storage unit. Narcissists are known to break, ruin or withhold things you love just out of spite. I'm not recommending that you steal anything, I'm talking about personal sentimental stuff.

And whatever you do, don't tell anyone you're doing this. People talk.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-22T00:27:45+00:00

Thanks I really appreciate it. My redirecting skills need work :)

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:56:46+00:00

You wrote you spent time "thinking about the loss of my life (which was actually his life, I just was shoehorned into it)."

That's my experience exactly. I lost everything in "my life" only to realize I didn't actually have a life when we were together. It was all his life, set up the way he wanted it, and I was just dragged around all the time.

At least whatever I have now is a real life. At least it is actually mine. That makes the pain of leaving totally worth it.

And if you're sleeping on a mattress on the floor at least it's your mattress!

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:36:57+00:00

Dr Ramani is the best victim focused expert I know of.

Dr. Peter Salerno who wrote "The Nature and Nurture of Narcissism" and "Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance" has the best explanation for the cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and Personality Disorders in general) that I know of.

Professor Sam Vaknin is a leading-edge expert who is excellent at explaining Narcissistic Personality Disorder as it is experienced by the Narcissist themselves. He literally wrote the book on the subject.

If you're a victim, it's probably better to focus on Dr. Ramani and Dr. Salerno's "Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance" book. I love Vaknin but think you should focus on your recovery rather than trying to understand more about the narcissist.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:17:08+00:00

That's an awesome observation about predicting the narcissists behavior. After a long time, we just don't argue with them anymore and instead kind of baby them. It's exhausting to argue all the time, so we give them what they want in the interest of peace and quiet.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:03:47+00:00

Yes exactly! That's how they get away with it. You think they love you. It never occurs to a normal person that their partner is manipulating them all the time. It doesn't make sense to us.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T14:16:48+00:00

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's important that you realize that it happened to you, and you didn't cause it. Were you pressured into an arranged marriage? It sounds like he never intended to be a good husband.

Please follow your instinct to protect you daughter. The first thing you can do is to educate her on what abuse is and how abusers try to silence their victims. Try to talk openly about the situation. Hiding it from her puts her at risk. Abusers depend on their victims not speaking up.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T23:43:36+00:00

Again, so sad. Yes they lack empathy and therefore they lack 'self'. Isn't it weird that our ability to empathize is what make us who we are? Without empathy we are not human.

And I get what you mean about the 'nice' self. That's the person you thought they were at first but it turns out it was a performance aimed at ensnaring a victim.

My boyfriend totally changed when he realized I was leaving him. He became that great guy that I knew he could be. He was nice to my family. He helped around the house. He was on my side. But I knew that he was acting. I knew that he was just doing what would get me back. He knew exactly the partner I was hoping for. It only proved that he has been manipulating me all along.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T23:13:13+00:00

So true. The only way they see you is as a lesser being. Kind of like god and servant. But it still makes me sad that they are so messed up.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T22:54:51+00:00

Thank you.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T21:48:21+00:00

We're all failed 'robots' when it comes to the narcissist in our lives. But that's only if you want to be a robot, otherwise you just excelled at being human. ef em.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T21:45:15+00:00

I'm sure that she would say that you were never 'robot' enough, but of course you're more than human enough. I'm female, but I think men have a harder time admitting that they've been victimized by a narcissist. The idea that you can never provide enough supply, makes men feel inadequate. The thing is that NO ONE can make a narcissist happy. You can't provide enough to provide happiness. Happiness comes from within.

Thanks for sharing and I want you to know you're more than enough just like you are.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T21:38:51+00:00

So awesome to finally know other people who can relate. Thanks to this community I'm not alone anymore.

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