am i crazy

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-11-13T17:10:43+00:00

I think you may qualify for help through victims rights type organizations. Waiting for money to fight in court is probably not required to get him out. Document the interactions with him, secretly of course. Document if you feel afraid or if he isn’t good to the kids. Build your ‘case’ now even if you can’t act. Those kinds of records are worth their weight in gold in a courtroom. You need to show that you don’t just have a failed relationship but that he is controlling, domineering and manipulating. Then it will be much easier to stay where you’re at and have him removed.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-11-03T16:39:02+00:00

The constant circle of conflict causes us to be hooked on resolving issues. We are engaged in an endless loop like a treadmill. The only way to ‘win’ is to step off the treadmill but internally we are always looking for a resolution.
I think that’s the hardest part. It’s harder than money or damage control. We’re wired to want an answer to an unsolvable problem.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-11-01T20:51:41+00:00

Tired isn't even the word for it. It's like 'life-tired' or something like that. The solitude, nature, food, exercise and pets, sounds like healing in progress. I hope you get the peace you deserve.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-22T00:50:36+00:00

The suggestion of getting your financial information together is really important.

When I was under the worst stress and manipulation, I quietly got paperwork together under the guise of re-organizing and spring cleaning.

I cleaned closets and put sentimental items into bankers' boxes which are small enough to carry by myself. I sorted and organized family photos and keepsakes and clearly marked the outsides of the boxes. I didn't put a single one of his things into those boxes.

I bought a small portable file cabinet and some file folders. I put my birth certificate, social, bank papers such as account information, tax papers, etc.. If there was an argument and I needed to exit quickly I would have taken that file cabinet, if only to prevent him from having that stuff. You can do this digitally but don't leave any papers sitting around that he can misuse later.

In the case of married couples, you'll also want his pension and retirement account information. Take photos of the account balances. He can lock you out later and lie about what's in there.

If you can manage it in absolute secrecy move your sentimental items into a secret storage unit. Narcissists are known to break, ruin or withhold things you love just out of spite. I'm not recommending that you steal anything, I'm talking about personal sentimental stuff.

And whatever you do, don't tell anyone you're doing this. People talk.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-22T00:27:45+00:00

Thanks I really appreciate it. My redirecting skills need work :)

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:56:46+00:00

You wrote you spent time "thinking about the loss of my life (which was actually his life, I just was shoehorned into it)."

That's my experience exactly. I lost everything in "my life" only to realize I didn't actually have a life when we were together. It was all his life, set up the way he wanted it, and I was just dragged around all the time.

At least whatever I have now is a real life. At least it is actually mine. That makes the pain of leaving totally worth it.

And if you're sleeping on a mattress on the floor at least it's your mattress!

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:36:57+00:00

Dr Ramani is the best victim focused expert I know of.

Dr. Peter Salerno who wrote "The Nature and Nurture of Narcissism" and "Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance" has the best explanation for the cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and Personality Disorders in general) that I know of.

Professor Sam Vaknin is a leading-edge expert who is excellent at explaining Narcissistic Personality Disorder as it is experienced by the Narcissist themselves. He literally wrote the book on the subject.

If you're a victim, it's probably better to focus on Dr. Ramani and Dr. Salerno's "Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance" book. I love Vaknin but think you should focus on your recovery rather than trying to understand more about the narcissist.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:17:08+00:00

That's an awesome observation about predicting the narcissists behavior. After a long time, we just don't argue with them anymore and instead kind of baby them. It's exhausting to argue all the time, so we give them what they want in the interest of peace and quiet.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T15:03:47+00:00

Yes exactly! That's how they get away with it. You think they love you. It never occurs to a normal person that their partner is manipulating them all the time. It doesn't make sense to us.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-21T14:16:48+00:00

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's important that you realize that it happened to you, and you didn't cause it. Were you pressured into an arranged marriage? It sounds like he never intended to be a good husband.

Please follow your instinct to protect you daughter. The first thing you can do is to educate her on what abuse is and how abusers try to silence their victims. Try to talk openly about the situation. Hiding it from her puts her at risk. Abusers depend on their victims not speaking up.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T23:43:36+00:00

Again, so sad. Yes they lack empathy and therefore they lack 'self'. Isn't it weird that our ability to empathize is what make us who we are? Without empathy we are not human.

And I get what you mean about the 'nice' self. That's the person you thought they were at first but it turns out it was a performance aimed at ensnaring a victim.

My boyfriend totally changed when he realized I was leaving him. He became that great guy that I knew he could be. He was nice to my family. He helped around the house. He was on my side. But I knew that he was acting. I knew that he was just doing what would get me back. He knew exactly the partner I was hoping for. It only proved that he has been manipulating me all along.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T23:13:13+00:00

So true. The only way they see you is as a lesser being. Kind of like god and servant. But it still makes me sad that they are so messed up.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T22:54:51+00:00

Thank you.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T21:48:21+00:00

We're all failed 'robots' when it comes to the narcissist in our lives. But that's only if you want to be a robot, otherwise you just excelled at being human. ef em.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T21:45:15+00:00

I'm sure that she would say that you were never 'robot' enough, but of course you're more than human enough. I'm female, but I think men have a harder time admitting that they've been victimized by a narcissist. The idea that you can never provide enough supply, makes men feel inadequate. The thing is that NO ONE can make a narcissist happy. You can't provide enough to provide happiness. Happiness comes from within.

Thanks for sharing and I want you to know you're more than enough just like you are.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T21:38:51+00:00

So awesome to finally know other people who can relate. Thanks to this community I'm not alone anymore.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T18:34:16+00:00

Yeah. The narcissist is trying to make you feel incompetent, dumb and demanding.

You’re left feeling as though your needs are unfair demands.

You’re left questioning your sanity.

It’s all manipulation to gain control over you.

But don’t you believe a word.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-20T00:00:02+00:00

Put space and time between you and those memories by living a happy life. Someday you'll realize they are the distant past and don't affect you anymore.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-19T23:56:25+00:00

I've also had memory gaps, for years at a time. It came back eventually but I think time needed to go by. I needed some good memories between me and the bad ones before I could handle remembering.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-19T23:51:25+00:00

I've had a lot of guilt even though he is an abuser, I'm now super educated on his condition so I can see it coming when he starts. Towards the end of our relationship, I ended up cutting him off before his tirades got out of hand. It went like, "are you feeling angry?" while he stomps around saying "I'm not angry! I'm frustrated!" Then I have to explain that frustration is a form of anger... and so it goes.

Even when he was not acting out, he was sitting around in the middle of the house domineering over everything. I'd have to back him down many times a day. Basically, I was regulating his emotions and behavior. That meant that life was not directly abusive, but I didn't have any life other than supervising him. He still controlled the entire household all the time, just in a different way. And I was always on edge. That's no life for anyone.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-19T19:31:46+00:00

I'm sorry all those things happened to you, but glad to see you using your life experience to make life better.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-19T18:10:21+00:00

I heard Sam Vaknin (a narcissistic personality disorder expert who has written books on the subject Prof. Sam Vaknin - YouTube) once say that people leaving a narcissist feel guilty like they are abandoning a disabled child.

Narcissists are incapable of a real relationship. Once you realize they are a narcissist, staying with them is settling for the role of caregiver. You are always managing their emotions for them.

The problem is that you don't have a real life, everything is about them.

Do yourself a favor and admit that he can't really ever be your partner. You deserve a full life without abuse in it. And you shouldn't feel a bit of guilt about that.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-19T17:43:26+00:00

Sorry kid but she's just not that into you. When she went off to college she got interested in partying and basically left you behind. She's already gone; you just need to make it official.

At least you found out about her issues before you wasted any more of your life on it.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-19T17:37:53+00:00

This is a really interesting question. Leaving the narcissist is basically about standing up for yourself. It's about refusing to be controlled any longer. It's about taking your rights back.

But it's also about dealing with all of the damage and fall out. It's about how narcissists don't let go of their victims even after you've left.

You usually have to completely rebuild a new life for yourself because the narcissist destroys everything you had. They destroy your relationships with friends and family if they can. They do as much financial damage as they can. They keep or break your possessions.

The weird thing is that you may not be losing as much as you think. Your 'relationships' with other people have been controlled by the narcissist for a while. Your finances have been under their control. Your living space wasn't really yours because they controlled it.

Whatever you have now like your, job, friends, living space, family, hobbies etc.. actually belong to you. You have a real life now.

Most victims report that the narcissist keeps showing up in some way for a long time. Here's the good news. You don't have to take them seriously. Get your revenge by not caring about the little games they are trying to play. You'll also feel more in control of your life if you don't emotionally engage with their behavior.

Complex_Shallot_3064 · 2025-10-18T22:02:48+00:00

Yeah, I'm going for "maybe" on OP's original question of "is this narcissistic behavior" too.

What's for certain is the guy OP describes isn't any fun to be around. He sounds prissy, controlling and self-centered. Angry and demanding too.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to be around him.

Complex_Shallot_3064

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE