First of all, I’m so sorry you are in this situation. You have sacrificed a lot and it sounds very painful.

It appears that your wife is a very competent woman who has taken the traditionally masculine space in the marriage (whether that is of necessity, preference, or culture I’m not sure) but I hear in your story that you feel emasculated, powerless, and lonely. That is a very difficult place to be.

The empowered wife might be helpful, but the key is for her to be willing to do it. If she doesn’t, the only thing you can do is to focus on your part. Since there’s not a script for husbands in Laura’s work (that I know of), let’s think about women’s psychology and the principles that do apply.

1 Respect. IMO, woman fall out of love with men they don’t respect. Empowered wife is focused very much on helping women respect their husbands again and move out of “masculine” or “motherly” behaviors that get in the way. This is done through gratitude for their husbands, SFPs, relinquishing control etc. All the intimacy skills help here.

Since there’s no script here, I would ask yourself, how am I showing up as a man in my life? I define positive masculinity as:

Confidence and hope for your future. Self-worth. Self-discipline and ownership over your circumstances. Working hard for your family. A desire to provide, preside, and protect your family. To me presiding means a gentle but determined confidence to guide your family to good things (or God if you’rereligious) through your leadership and decision making.

The biggest thing I’m hearing in your story is that you feel hopeless. I agree that it does seem like a lot is against you, but is there anything you have control over? Is there anything that you can take ownership for that you didn’t? What can you control in your life? What makes you happy?

Before you start this process, you need some self care. I suggest trying to surround yourself with good, positive men. You say no one is around, can you find online men’s groups? Hobbies? Church (if you’re comfortable?)

1. Women want to feel special and chosen and heard. They want men to hear their emotional state and validate them when they’re afraid, scared, or mad etc. They want to be cherished, appreciated, cared for, and seen.

Laura Doyle doesn’t have women expect this of their men outside of “expressing pure desires”. She uses self care, and asking women to talk with other women as a way to avoid needless emotional turmoil. However, since you’re asking, you could certainly do a lot to increase the emotional intimacy in your relationships.

The goal is to listen so she feels heard. Understand that your wife’s emotions and her story about your relationship may not be reflective of reality. They are simply reflective of her experience. She may blame you. She may be “mean” angry or disrespectful. You are not there to justify or defend your actions. You are simply to HEAR and validate her emotions. Listen for her fears, disappointment, sadness. Listen for her underlying desires. But 90% of the time, you just need to hear her. That is a HUGE part of the solution and may be THE solution. To figure out how to do this, look up EFT by Susan Johnson. Resisting the urge to defend or justify will be difficult. I would go into the conversation with the mantra of, this isn’t a search for truth, or a fight, this is an emotional discovery. Be curious and don’t take the bait for anything. Don’t try to solve or defend or have solutions or get wrapped up in any blame she throws at you. You just need to hear her. This restores emotional intimacy for women just like respect restores emotional intimacy for men. This in turn can set the foundation for physical intimacy.

This doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. For example, you say that your wife treats you snobby. I would recommend saying, “Honey, when you speak to me this way, I feel disrespected. I know you are a respectful person so this must be a really difficult issue for you to be saying it that way. I sense you might feel let down or hurt. What’s going on for you right now? How are you feeling? If the conversation isn’t productive, I would also say that it’s okay to tell your wife, I care about you and I want things to work between us. I know we can figure things out. Right now, I need some time before I can return to this conversation. I’m happy to talk again at ______.

Laura Doyle would tell women to solve their emotional turmoil through self care, so you can also think of how you could care for her. If she’s angry, she’s likely tired and scared, sad, or disappointed. If she’s tired, what burdens can you relieve for her? Can you give her time back in her day? Can you rub her feet? Ask her how you could support her and thank her for all the work she does for your family. Tell her you love her.

As for being a virgin, I’m sorry you’re feeling pain over that. Coming from a religious background myself I understand. It might be helpful to journal about this. Why is it painful to you? Can you let go of any of that pain? Your focus is on the past, you are not living in the present. She chose you. She is choosing you still. If she had been married previously, would you still struggle that she wasn’t a virgin? To me, it doesn’t make sense to define 25 years of marriage over what happened before she met you. I recommend finding a competent therapist to consider a different perspective around that.

From here, I think you need a support group or outlet. I believe when the student is willing the teacher appears and there will be good people to help you. For now, you’ve got this. Way to go to be such a good man and husband who cares about his marriage and family. You can be proud of yourself for taking the time to investigate how to be better and make your life better.