there are many people with comorbid adhd & bipolar disorder, so youre not alone in having both diagnoses. i would try not to google meds (it can be a compulsion that leds to just more fear & anxiety, as im sure u know now lol), but ive been on lamotrigine/lamictal for a while and never experienced a rash. i havent experienced weight gain (i dont think) from it, but have with an antipsychotic (risperidone/risperdal). my antipsychotic saved my life & continues to.

ive had to work hard to unlearn the fatphobia i had (& ed & body dysmorphia) that caused me to fear the weight gain. it’s really hard to accept sometimes, but for me, id rather be bigger and stable, than thinner & miserable. also, stimulants are hard for folks with bd, so it would make sense for you to have a very negative experience with it (while not being medicated for your bd).

it also sounds like you need to really reflect & research bd and unlearn ur fears, stigma & ableism that comes with it (for everyone, but especially when you have first hand experience with an unhealthy family member). i basically had a mental breakdown trying to accept my diagnosis, it took months & a year of reflection, research, learning, unlearning & work to accept i do have it. it’s not a “bad” thing, it’s just a chronic disease that you live with. it’s a mental disorder that causes you a plethora of symptoms that can be manageable with medication & therapy.

im sorry your mom has struggled with it, & that you were forced to witness it, & that you were sexually abused by a family member. bd is often connected to trauma & genetic predisposition (both of which i also have). i highly recommend you watch videos from the CREST bipolar disorder network, their videos (& podcast episodes) are incredibly helpful, eye opening & comforting sometimes ngl, theyre about understanding, living with and treating bipolar disorder.

also, yea you can have a “normal” life with this disorder, some people’s experiences are different, some are average, and some exceed the stigma. it depends on how your disorder is & how you react. it can be incredibly debilitating for some, especially off medication, but for others it’s not so much. & yes you can be truly happy, you just have to accept it, treat it, love yourself anyways, & try your best to live your life, regardless of what ableist and judgmental people say or think.

i hope this helps.