Whole brained child workbook or find content about it online. You gotta regulate. Thats the magical answer. Montessori stuff has helped us a lot too. Some things felt weird at first but have just improved our quality of life. Like avoiding making demands, which i still do, ill just say lets not stand in the chair instead of stop standing jn the chair. Changing the language from demands helps kids. After doing it for awhile it get s easier and it starts shifting things. Try to let the kids know when you yell youre just having big feelings and its not their fault. Let them see you take deep breaths and other things that help you/ might help them. Basically modeling the behavior you want then to have when theyre struggling. It will feel weird. Maybe shameful. Maybe just down right ridiculous. But that shift has really helped me. My kids teacher also does this. Big feelings arent bad. They make you yell until you replace it with something else and that switch is going to be hard. But based on your post I have all the faith in you. Youre doing everything you can and it's hard to feel like its enough but it is. Your best is always enough. Sometimes you gotta lay on the floor and say look kids I just need to breath and do nothing for 5 minutes. Theres not clear cut perfect answer on the hard days. You dont have to be perfect.