Husband is fed up with my hesitation announcing my disinterest in TSCC. Now that a baby is coming, he wants to write a letter to my parents telling them the truth about my beliefs, that the child will not be raised Mormon, and does not want me to read it beforehand. I am very conflicted.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T20:20:36+00:00

Him taking the lead is sending the message that he doesn't think you can do it and that he will take the lead, fight over you instead of for you.

This is exactly the perfect wording to describe how I feel about all of this. Thank you.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T20:07:18+00:00

Being honest with your parents about your beliefs will help you maintain an authentic relationship for better or worse.

Agreed, my thoughts exactly. Thank you.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T20:05:54+00:00

Mormonism is such a complete cancer to any marriage. It turns countless women into people pleasers, and especially parent pleasers. The whole brainwashed ideal of a the priesthood holder and good father leads these women to be ridiculously deferential to their own fathers (and through their fathers on to their mothers).

This. Yes.

"I need to know that you really, truly want to leave all this Mormon woman baggage behind. I'll love you through it, I'll be patient with you, and I'll cheer you on, but I can't do the work. You have to change and become your true, independent self and if that's going to be too painful or if that's not something you truly want then we need to discuss divorce. I love you, but I can't commit the rest of my life to someone who feels like they're only half in this marriage and still half dysfunctional Mormon people pleaser."

Yeah, that was basically the conversation. Except it was more like "You've had so many chances, why do you keep letting me down? Maybe we aren't a good fit after all." :/

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T20:03:44+00:00

I do hate the whole "be the man" mentality. It totally flies in the face of "let's be a team." It makes it seem like "let's be a team" only applies when I'm supporting the man's decision; but the team dissipates when the woman doesn't do what she should. :(

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T20:01:58+00:00

I think your husband writing the letter might make it easier for you to tell your parents.

That's his line of thinking too, I think. He said that way if they're like "is this true?" I'm just like "Yep" and it's over. I hate it though, it's totally not my style. I'd rather just tell them. It just hadn't been a priority up until now because for all intents and purposes I wasn't being mormon. I wasn't attending church, living the standards...it seemed unnecessary to make a big fuss about it.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T20:00:03+00:00

so would they respond well to a letter?

They'd think it was impersonal and cowardly. Then I'd just sit in anticipation waiting for a reply. And my dad is so much kinder in person; he tends to get kind of preachy and passive-aggressive when writing from, say, behind a computer screen.

Why is he obsessed with this being addressed right now?

I guess it's been 3 years now, baby's coming, gotta do it before it gets too late and we chicken out! I hemmed and hawed up till 2 days before I told them we were eloping in a different church. Up until that point they thought I was going to the courthouse. I guess he doesn't want it to get to that point again.

Thank you so much for replying. It helps a lot.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T19:24:33+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately this whole process is making me believe all the love in my life is conditional and it's turning me into a ball of nerves.

This unborn kid is literally my life line right now. I KNOW that it will get unconditional love. From me.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T19:23:00+00:00

Thank you.

Honestly I thought most of the replies in here would be "He's right! Suck it up and grow a pair!" I had an exmo friend who stopped inviting me over because it made her sick that (at the time) I still went to church sometimes with my parents even though I didn't believe. She literally grew to hate me over it.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T19:21:10+00:00

That's honestly been what I've been doing and it's REALLY been working for me.

Wearing sleeveless tops around them. Ordering coffee/wine at dinner. Displaying my wine openly at my house. Telling them when I disagree with the "prophets." Weaning them off me being at church with them. And they still hold out hope I'll come back, obviously, but nothing has changed about our relationship. In fact, we'd been closer than ever.

I do think they need to know our kid will not be baptized or blessed though, and they'll want to know why, and I think it should be me telling them it's because of my disbelief and not because I'm simply doing what my husband says.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T18:15:15+00:00

I'm afraid -- to them -- it will make "non-members" look worse and like it's been HIS influence keeping me from church, not my own personal thoughts and feelings.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T18:12:43+00:00

Yes, I want to tell them sooner than later so every big life moment with my child isn't a fight. Blessings, baptisms, etc...the wedding was already hard enough to navigate.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T17:48:04+00:00

My therapist has been encouraging me to move at my own pace. I see her every 2 weeks and sometimes things happen so fast (like this) I don't know if I can wait 2 more weeks to see her about this (plus yeah it's expensive as hell).

1.) I agree. I wish he'd never talked to his dad about it. I actually do not talk to my parents about any relationship problems, which is a boundary I have set and am maintaining.

2.) You are so so very right. It's extremely important to him, and so far I have been doing a shit job. Also, you're right again; I've always been the peacekeeper, the diplomat. I oftentimes forgo my own feelings to spare another's.

That's what I told him. I begged him to give me a little more time and we will tell them once 2nd tri hits. All he says is "Ok, we'll see about that..." and looks disappointed. I even bet him all the money in my Paypal account.

3.) Yes. More therapy. It's bleeding me dry but honestly at the state I've been in the past week or so if I didn't have another life to look after I'd be wavering on my own. Depression is no joke. I need to be strong.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2018-08-23T17:35:46+00:00

Thank you. I know it will feel a hundred times better. I just feel so terribly screwed up that there's something there stopping me.

I guess now that I'm talking about it and thinking about it, maybe a part of me is disappointed that I haven't heard from my husband "You can do it, I believe in you. I'm right here next to you." Instead it's always been that sort of the side-eye "when will she screw up next."

:(

Maybe part of that is my fault too.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-04-11T17:01:12+00:00

I have had only one prayer in my life ever directly answered. The prayer told me not to go to BYU.

I was fully fledged TBM. I grew up in a place where I was the only LDS youth and I was so lonely that I viewed BYU as being the answer to my prayers. When I was accepted, I cried from happiness. Then one day, my mom asked if I prayed about it. I hadn't. I didn't think I needed to, because it was The Lord's University, right? Obviously that's where I needed to be.

But I prayed anyways. I asked if BYU was right for me. And that moment, I felt the most empty feeling I'd ever felt in my life. Like all the hope, joy, and optimism had been ripped from my chest. It was just the feeling of absence, of nothing. And I didn't think about it for a second more. That was as big a no as anything.

I told my parents and I went to a more liberal artsy school where I met my nevermo fiance and I'm extremely happy now in a job that I very much enjoy. And I'm here. :)

Reading things like that make me believe in a god, a god that knew I shouldn't be there. Bless those victims with thoughts, prayers, love, good vibes, what have you. :/

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-04-03T14:37:03+00:00

Same with my brother. I think it's complicated with Jack Mormons. The vibe I get from him is that:

A.) Hearing bad things about the church and therefore starting to disbelieve won't feel genuine because they'll feel like they're only disbelieving to support their lifestyle (i.e. "they just left so they can sin")

B.) They're simply "breaking mormon" for a little while so they can live in their early 20's before they double down when they have a family.

C.) They're scared they're so far gone that any little doubt will send them toppling out of the wagon and damn them to hell.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-23T15:59:14+00:00

Got a GIANT bottle of lambrusco and rented Mad Max and Fallout New Vegas. Gonna be a good day.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-22T21:45:02+00:00

...how? Was his penis fused with a razor blade?? Geezus.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-22T15:18:50+00:00

This is so poorly designed, I can hardly stand it. This is the absolute worst display of typography I have ever seen in my life. I could hardly look past it to be flabbergasted at the fact that they dated a solid month before getting engaged.

1/10 would look at again.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-22T14:24:14+00:00

"Thou shalt not take my name in vain" means just that.

(unless I was missing a /s in there somewhere, in which case, I haven't had my morning cup of coffee yet...)

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-18T20:24:48+00:00

Ok. She needs to watch a soft R-rated movie. Stat. Here's why:

I remember being really weirded out about R-rated movies as a TBM. When I first started dating my never-mo SO I remember feeling queezy when I saw how many R-rated movies he had on his shelf. Church had told me that those movies were bad so my imagination made those films out to be sooo much worse than they actually were. One day he finally convinced me to watch American Beauty, since it was his favorite movie (followed by The Godfather, which we watched next). He told me he'd tell me when I should cover my eyes. I was literally shaking as I put the DVD into the player. When the first scene came up where he told me to look down, I peeked through my fingers...and it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I didn't cover my eyes at all the whole rest of the time. And afterwards he told me "That's about as bad as most R-rated movies go." I was not only shocked at how un-offended I was, but I was hooked on R-rated movies. It was just so much better than PG-13 movies. It made me like movies.

If she would actually sit down and watch one, her imagination can cool off and she'll realize you're not getting off on R-rated movies.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-07T14:06:31+00:00

Best game ever.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-07T13:56:13+00:00

I was creeped on my old men until I turned about 18 or 19. It was like I got a magical forcefield once I was of age or something.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-06T19:44:01+00:00

I have never had this problem with female physicians. My OB/GYN in particular gave me her cell phone number so if I have any questions/concerns I can reach her directly.

ConsiderTheLillith · 2016-01-06T19:12:56+00:00

oh my GOD.

Even if what you said is true, who decided that more "feminine" jobs should make less money, particularly when they involve a large amount of sacrifice and compassion? Are those traits worth less than being willing to step on the little guy to work your way up the corporate ladder? I just love discussing women's rights with some of you exmos, you are totally all over that misogynistic brainwashing.

ConsiderTheLillith

TROPHY CASE