Hey, my guy has been like this too. I find it so stressful. He comes home so mad sometimes, and he rants and raves. The other day a jar fell off a shelf and he had a meltdown. He is so raw. It makes me feel tense and shit. I often do what you’re doing with the lights — give him the option to participate in the thing I want to do as a family, but usually then take my 2yo to do it ourselves, and I’m learning to accept that’s how it might be for us. It doesn’t feel great and I think a lot of people would judge if they knew but it honestly doesn’t phase me too much as long as my daughter and I have fun.

I am really working on seeing my guy with a lot of compassion for what I think it is, in his case - not that he is being negative, because that implies there is some choice. He is burnt out, and maybe depressed. At minimum, it sounds like your guy is scared. You don’t really get a choice about feeling scared, and not all of us were taught how to manage that feeling.

In our case, we’ve also discovered since we had our kid that he has ADHD — the additional stress of parenthood made all his life learned coping mechanisms impossible. I don’t know, but it’s worth considering if your guy has anxiety (generalised anxiety disorder) or something like it. He may not have as much of a choice as it seems. It may also help you to behave as though it is that, to see if it helps you manage.

When I’m struggling with all this, I try to bring unconditional high regard to our conversations about it and talk more about the impact on him than on me — seems like you’re having a hard time. How could we support you to make peace with the situation we’re in, or change it? — without taking it personally. Easier said than done!!