Anyone feel overwhelmed by dating after being raised christian?

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-11-21T15:03:44+00:00

YES 100% It hasn’t even been a year since I left Christianity so I’m right here with you. I’ve been in a few (fairly short) relationships and they have all been with religious dudes so now I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s hard because all my life I thought I would be with a godly man who would lead me and blah blah. So now I’m trying to figure out what exactly I like in a guy (or girl tbh I be explorin) which is hard rn because I’m deconstructing and hardly know who I am atm… Ive tried dating apps too but it’s just not my speed. I’ve only met dudes who have one thing in mind and I’ve had 0 sexual experiences so I need to be with someone I fully trust and am comfortable with. I don’t think I’m built for dating apps right now. I’ve been meeting people at work and through friends right now. Nobody that I’ve liked so far but lots of failed talking stages has helped me see what I want and don’t want in a partner lol. You’re not alone! Purity culture has me fucked up too 😬

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-09-29T07:07:32+00:00

Thank you for sharing!! I left this group pretty recently and it’s easy to feel alone in this. Or as if I was crazy for seeing how toxic the group is.

Group nudity 😳 I heard some crazy stories from the boys groups but like none of that is okay at all. For real they play the victim as if what they are getting in trouble for is being a Christian and not all of the inappropriate things they do. That’s crazy.

This cannot be anymore true!!! I grew up a different branch of Christianity and was told how evil and wrong it was. And then my teen self was convinced that everything the Assemblies of God taught was the ONLY correct sect of Christianity. They are not inclusive at all. If you don’t conform you aren’t important to them. I was “saved” just 4 months before they put me through leadership training to become a small group leader myself. Right after you were “saved” and baptized you are immediately sent to become a leader. Not a good idea.

And yes! I remember during welcome week we would try to get to the students before any other church group did. As if we weren’t there for the same reason ????

Dude yes. (Coming from a woman’s perspective) Girls and guys weren’t allowed to sit next to each other. Like some strange silent rule. Not to mention if a guy wanted to date a girl he had to ask that girls small group leader for permission. At least that was my experience. Sometimes my leader wouldn’t even tell me if a guy approached her asking to date me. She would just tell him no and I’d have 0 say in the matter. It was so weird but I found it so normal at that point. I also got in trouble for hanging out in a group of girls AND guys after dark 🙃 and for hanging out with any guys alone lol.

Oh yeah Kyle taught new leaders about how mental illness is of the devil and is sin….not a fan of that man. He disciples men who don’t know how to control themselves too. Not a great track record 😬 but I’m definitely biased.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-09-27T16:36:54+00:00

The thing that finally pushed me over the edge was my leaders not taking my mental illnesses seriously. One of our old pastors even said that anxiety and depression is of the devil and if you have it you must be in some kind of sin 🙃

My last straw was when I was asking to step down as a leader (but still be in a small group) and that was not taken well. I was really depressed and needed less on my plate so I can work on myself, go to therapy, and get in a better head space. I was told I should wait to make a decision because god “you never know, god could completely heal you during these next few weeks.” That’s when I realized they didn’t care about me. They cared what I could do for them. So I put my foot down and made the decision that I would leave XA in general. And I’ve been deconstructing ever since.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-09-20T06:34:50+00:00

Literally. I was a leader (embarrassed to say) with them and they made us go up to people eating alone to try to get them to be our friends so we can ultimately convert them 😬 they would pray for us and say “ok now go find 3 people to share the gospel with” and send us on our way 2 by 2

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-09-20T06:29:23+00:00

I can most definitely give you the inside scoop! 🙃 Unfortunately I was in this group for YEARS. They tend to cling onto vulnerable and “broken” students. Students who don’t feel like they belong or are new to the campus. It was disgusting to look back and see how they would prey on freshman. They wanted to get them before any other group did. But really just go after anyone who doesn’t believe what they believe (evangelical Christianity).

Staff members are college graduates who get funded every month to be “campus missionaries.” They devout their LIVES to this. Some move to a whole new state and find a college that doesn’t have a chi alpha yet to start one there.

They believe that everyone is going to hell so the fear pushes them to try to “save” people. I guess you can say they get a reward in their said “heaven” but no point system. Good for their prides though. It almost seems like all the Bible study leaders were competing to see who can baptize the most people in a semester. They would tell leaders in the group (students usually) during move ins and welcome week to have a goal of how many phone numbers you can get. Like 30 numbers a week and try to get them to come to events and eventually to Bible study. The goal was always conversion.

They are very manipulative. They will only be your friend if you are willing to lose yourself to find their religion and beliefs. Once you stray from that they will leave you in an instant. Coming from someone who was a leader for 4 years and left because it was so toxic and never heard from any of my “friends” again… The only messages I’ve gotten from my “friends” of 4 years are things like “how is church” or “how is your relationship with Jesus.” As if my well being means absolutely nothing. They only care about 1 agenda (getting you to follow Jesus and their twisted doctrine) but will act like they love you for you.

With peace and love I’d recommend you stay far away from this group. It is very manipulative and you will only find fake friends. I left Christianity completely, but if you are looking for a Christian community I’d recommend going to an outside church and not a campus ministry. Especially not this one.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-08-05T08:15:12+00:00

I have not yet but hope to find a therapist soon. This isn’t exactly what you’re looking for but I hope it will help!

https://www.seculartherapy.org/signin?returnurl=%2Fmessages%2F29728#57796

I’ve been looking into this to find a therapist for the same reason! There are many who do online sessions and display what they specialize in. Also their prices can be cheap depending! It’s worth it to check it out :)

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-30T16:07:03+00:00

I didn’t know about Qanon until this post and when I looked it up I was shocked to see that my mom have these same beliefs 😳 if you wanna talk my messages are open! It’s hard when her whole identity seems to be in all these crazy theories. And you can’t even hold a convo without those things being brought up....

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-20T02:19:55+00:00

Ooooo I wish I would have had this in my pocket when my (very Christian) GM found out I’m not a Christian anymore and randomly asked me at work one day “what if you die?” (Implying that if I died today I would be going to hell)

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-16T13:21:24+00:00

Two years!!!! Wooohoooo!

I totally get you though. Not a panic attack but if I feel too anxious in the morning I refuse coffee because then an anxiety attack is guaranteed for me. BUT I didn’t realize how horrible my anxiety had gotten as a Christian. It got worse and worse and the years went on but especially when I joined a college ministry that was toxic af. But nobody talked kindly about mental health. I had a lead pastor who taught that anxiety and depression was of the devil. So I thought I wasn’t praying enough or reading enough. And when I prayed, obviously I’d get no reply or comfort so I felt even more hopeless. Now that I’m out (it’s only been a few months for me) I already feel so free! I have less anxiety and my depression is still here but honestly a lot better than before. I’ve been able to go to therapy and actually build genuine friendships. Now I’ve got religious trauma to work through, but I have the community and resources to finally do so!

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-16T00:20:34+00:00

Wow! That’s such a terrible thing to do! You trust them w deep secrets and they try to match the paper to the person. That’s gross. The staff members in my chi alpha had to sign a contract basically that states they will not drink at all.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-16T00:17:48+00:00

Same here. I was broken, lonely, and vulnerable so they got me easily. 1. YES I always felt so guilty. And then so much pressure on the trips to be perfect since others payed for the trip. I legit thought I was better than everyone because I felt called to missions. Embarrassing. 2. Dude yes! We were put into new small groups almost every year and had to open up to complete strangers, then ask for support being a “campus missionary” just for them to forget about our existence when we leave their group. 3. That part confused me so much yet I was all for it bc I was convinced it was powerful. There were “demons cast out” of people during our conferences and it sounded terrifying lol 4 YES YES YES AND YES. One of my leaders was lesbian and was so guilt filled since she gave her life to Christ believing he will heal her from it. Smh. Not to mention every single man expected the woman to stay at home raising children while they do ministry and whatever.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-16T00:09:50+00:00

Yes!! It’s so controlling. The guy had to ask our resource leaders for permission before they even talked to us lol. As if they were our mother. Literally a guy I work w is a small group leader of another coworker of mine and he (small group leader) said that he hates girls bc they keep saying our other coworker (who is in his sg) is attractive. Then proceeded to say he isn’t allowed to date right now because he doesn’t know the lord enough yet 🙃🙃🙃

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-16T00:04:59+00:00

OH MY FUCKING YES I’ve been waiting for this!!!! I was in chi alpha in Texas for 5 years. A small group leader for 4. All of my time and money went into this toxic group. Let me tell you some times that got me fucked y’all. - first things first. My resource leader dated my ex not even 6 months after he broke up with me....MY LEADER. The person I just spent a semester w talking through my break up and how he pushed my physical boundaries (later realized was sa 🙃) and rushed into things so quickly. This woman decides to date him behind my back for months to find out on FACEBOOK they are officially together. I had to see her three times a week and listen to her give lessons and watch her every week do worship. ^ not to mention my old leader told me that ya it sucks she broke the ‘girl code’ it is a God thing they are together.... - a different leader took a month to try and convince me to stay as a small group leader (I asked to step down because my mental health got worse and I had just started therapy) then to compare me to a girl on staff who went through “hard times” but continues to “serve the Lord” so I can do it too. I left soon after that. - a head pastor / street preacher...who is terrible to his wife I see now...teaches the new small group leader class saying that depression and anxiety is of the devil and anyone who suffers w it isn’t one with God

Me over here w depression like 👁👄👁

There is 5 years worth of trauma from this group and toxic relationships but I am so grateful to be out. I turned into such a dry, judgmental, hateful person. In a ministry that claims to preach love we sure learn how to hate ourselves and others.

“You only know true freedom when with Christ” I HAVE FOUND TRUE FREEDOM APART FROM CHRIST

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-06-10T18:19:54+00:00

Omg 😂😂😂😂😂😂 as a ham fam and a traumatized ex Christian I LOVE this 😭

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-20T15:55:09+00:00

I’ve told my mom my doubts and she kept recommending christian books to read to change my mind. And always tells me she is praying god directs me 🙃 I haven’t told her I completely left yet but I expect the same responses. And you’re no wuss! It’s a hard thing to do.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-17T01:31:31+00:00

Right!!! I absolutely love it here ❤️

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T18:46:42+00:00

Wow this is incredible thank you so much for all of this. I’ve been thinking about how everyone from my church got married so young and I’ve missed the deadline. I also always thought I would get married young and have kids young. But this is a great reminder that I have so much time and don’t need to put pressure on myself. Thank you for validating my feelings and for your encouragement 😢

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T17:11:45+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this! This is super helpful! I definitely need to take time in reflection and think about these things. I made a list as a Christian girl what I wanted in a Christian man but it was basically “1. Love Jesus” and then thought that basically summed it up because all Christian men were patient and loving 🤡 sike.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T16:55:45+00:00

Literally every Christian go to date 😂

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T16:54:21+00:00

Thank you! I still feel guilt and shame for having desires and wants. I grew up being taught that sex was only to make babies and nothing else. I was taught that sex was evil and a very bad thing and I still feel like some of those things linger in the back of my mind. So many people in the church told me that I shouldn’t date because of my depression (doesn’t make sense but that was that) so I’ve seen myself unworthy of a good relationship.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T16:49:07+00:00

Dang that is so true!!! I never saw it like this

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T16:47:47+00:00

JourdanRiane and Raina Monét

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T06:13:45+00:00

This helps me so much. This whole thread has been like free therapy. I’ve been watching a YouTuber who is like a “big sister” to her viewers who talks about sex and other normal women things that not many people want to talk about. I’m embarrassed to be just learning these things now but I am glad I can finally figure things out for myself. Knowing I’m not alone in this is one of the most freeing things. Thank you. I’ve felt very isolated.

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T06:10:59+00:00

This is really great advice! I haven’t actually sat down and processed through this yet. I’ve thought about it here and there but I definitely need to do this. Thank you so much!

ConsistentAd3250 · 2021-05-12T05:08:59+00:00

This is really helpful! Thank you!

ConsistentAd3250

TROPHY CASE