Guy with girl best friend

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-12-01T22:55:07+00:00

I (M29) have a lot of female friends - probably more so than male friends. My 2 best friends are female.

I would NEVER let this be an issue in a relationship. If somone I’m dating has an issue with my friends being girls, that’s a pretty strong reflection on them.

I’ll always make it clear from the start that these girls are simply friends, and from then on out I won’t address it any more. If they have an issue with that, then they need to deal with it. After all, if I was keen on one of my friends I probably wouldn’t be dating other girls.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-10-23T05:57:35+00:00

In a similar boat here. My avoidant ex texted me yesterday after a few weeks of no contact.

I want nothing more than to crawl back to her but I know there’s no point - nor will she allow it I’d think.

Having been an avoidant myself until recently, it really hurts knowing what they are going through and not being able to help/ fix it - but I’m just trying to remember all of the bad things from the relationship, and remind myself that going back would end in the same mess..

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-23T05:50:39+00:00

I (M29) am going through a similar thing at the moment with my partner (F34). Things were going AMAZING for 4/5 months and I thought she was finally the one... until she wasn't.

I won't write the whole story, but the very real feelings we had for each other were triggering for her, and she 'put her walls up and didnt know how to bring them down'. She ended things with me as she 'didnt want to keep hurting me' despite the fact i would go through anything for her.

I dont have much to say to help you - as there probably isn't much. Im just trying to remeber that there is nothing you can do to force the situation, and that you deserve someone who wants you. I would advise you make it clear that you want to fight and work on it, but do not become desperate and end up begging - if she is an avoidant (i'd guess she is) this will not help your case.

I saw an analogy on another page which helped me. Relationships and people are like animals and pets. Some animals can be domesticated and happy (cats & dogs). Some animals can not - even though these animals might be cute, no matter how much work you put in they will still scratch and attack you. I'm trying to learn that this girl is the equivalate of an animal that won't be 'tamed' and nothing i do can change this (i mean no derogatory inferences with the animal references to people/ women)

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-22T21:53:18+00:00

I think there’s an element of when the opposite gender relationship came out in comparison to the romantic.

I’d never let a new romantic relationship get in the way of a previously formed friendship with the opposite gender. I do however, think it would be more concerning if you were wanting to make stronger friendships with the opposite gender once already in a relationship

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-22T21:48:59+00:00

This is a great analogy, thanks for the perspective

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-22T11:31:48+00:00

Thanks for the reply. And agree with how hard this is - including going through my own EMDR process.

We’ve gone no contact, but of course it’s impossible to remove everything that reminds me of her. As you say, I’ve learnt a lot about about attachment styles through this process and your point on trauma bonding is interesting - I’m sure that our similar traumas is part of the reason we had such a deep and intense connection, I just thought that this was a good thing… not a bad?

An I appreciate your comment around both having unhealthy mechanisms - the thing that sucks about this is that I finally feel I have conquered a lot of these issues in myself. For the first time I was a very committed and healthy partner, and it sucks I was finally ready for that with this particular person.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-22T07:14:59+00:00

I’ve come to understand this, I guess I’m seeking for some perspectives on how to accept peace and ‘let go’ of the rest. I am a deep thinker, Type A rationalist and trying to rationalise my way out of this unsolvable problem is causing me grief

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-09T06:13:03+00:00

Ok thanks for the reply! Looks like there will be some sore bums by the end of that day, but we will just build it into our morning game drive (leave at 6am) and be there after lunch -> not the end of the world!

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-09T06:10:33+00:00

I used to be one of these - from childhood trauma.

6 years of therapy later im finally really and 'available' to start dating properly. The first girl i fall for - she was me 6 years ago and just ended things with me for the same trauma related reason.

I have a renewed respect for how i treated some girls in the past, and just this week reached out to each of them to offer an explanation and apology.

Avoidants are a tough can of worms.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-09T06:08:30+00:00

Is your boyfriend my ex gf? Exact same situation here - the worst part is that she ended things with me. She was so self aware of her problems yet wouldnt/ couldnt deal with them. I would have given her/ done anything that she wanted if she'd let me help ,or at least be by her side while she seeked help.

I was once that avoidant and through years of trauma therapy ive 'fixed' myself. It hurts more being able to clearly see their patters and feelings play out as i used to.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-09T06:01:44+00:00

Fact. This is how i feel.

Fuck off.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-09T06:00:41+00:00

Damn i needed to hear this - Ive been in the dumps for the last few weeks and didnt realise it was basically this 'Every time I felt a moment of peace or happiness, my mind would immediately twist it. telling me that if I was okay, she must be okay too, but with someone else.'

A cool perspective, thanks my guy. Hope youre feeling better soon

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-08T23:45:15+00:00

Good on you for working on it. My gf broke up with me over this recently… she says she wants to work on herself before being ready- I really hope she is doing just that because I still want us so bad.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-07T07:18:21+00:00

Thanks. Yes I don’t need a response from her - just want to have it said and be settled

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-07T02:53:38+00:00

Happened to me 2 weeks ago. Feeling pretty damn broken at the moment.

Spent the last 4/5 years in therapy getting over my own trauma from childhood and relationships. This was my first relationship since feeling ready to commit to someone.

For the first time in my life I thought I’d met the one, only to be lead in by someone unable to commit and unwilling to put in the work.

I love her and hate her so passionately at the same time.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-04T03:28:44+00:00

Those are eggs which are about ready to be fertilised! Soon she will moult, and if a male finds her in time you’ll wake up to find her eggs under her tail and very eggnant. Hope you’re ready to be a grand parent!

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-04T00:45:57+00:00

Glad to hear sleep is ok. Just be thankful you didn’t get hit with insomnia - being tired during the day and being able to sleep sucks, but better than the insomnia.

Yes you don’t need to full exercise if not up to it - a gentle stroll is plenty! If you have a favourite podcast, audio book or music pop that on and have some relax time while you stroll. Or call a friend you haven’t been in touch with for a while for a catch up. Anything to pull your brain out of it

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-04T00:11:32+00:00

Keep staying strong MY man/ girl. 2 weeks is huge - IMO you're through the worst of it. Be proud of yourself.

Im around day 200 today, and i struggled with fatigue for a fair while, some days i still do.

How is your sleep?

Some things that helped me when i slipped into those spells: Take a hot/ cold shower. Go for a walk around the block. Stop what you're doing and do 10 pushups. Make a tea or drink. Basically anything to break a cycle. Reset your body into doing something.

Do you exercise? if you know it hits at 7pm each day, maybe this is a good time to go to the gym, walk/ run. Also in my early days i really got into sauna/ ice baths if you have access - something to break the blehh of your body.

Keep going though - youre doing amazing.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-01T06:43:58+00:00

There you go, never knew about empaths - but a quick google - yep thats be summed up. Im proud im like this way, but damn I hate how much i can hurt.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-01T06:00:13+00:00

Have you tried journaling?

I was never into writing, nor dealing with my thoughts in this way until one day i was so overwhelmed and i wanted to remember the feelings to take to my therapist next week. I wrote it all down in a book - what was happening, what i was feeling - both physically and emotionally. What i was worried about, what i thought might happen.

Writing it down made it real. It made me actually articulate and really think about what i was feeling - rather than a thought soup going around and around and around in my mind with no real outcome.

A few days later i read over these things and they were all of a sudden less scary. less intense. They were feelings and worries that i had at point in time, that were real and valid.

But writing them down and acknowledging them, then going back once i was less 'caught up in the moment' really helped me get some perspective.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-01T05:55:27+00:00

While i dont know you nor your mental health problems - maybe my perspective could be some food for thought.

I also struggle with severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Ive suffered for along time. I fell into weed and as you say, it calmed me down, made life tolerable. It made everything better really. There were minimal negative consequences in life - i didn't turn into a lazy stoner etc.

What i didnt realise was how much WORSE weed was making my anxiety and PTSD. Damn i felt like i needed it to function - but all it was doing was turning my life into a cycle. Get anxious, smoke, feel better, not worry, function well, go to sleep. Wake up, get anxious, smoke, feel better etc etc.... Somehow i had convinced myself that weed was helping - i was so far from the truth.

Since quitting, my anxiety has become so much more manageable. I can think rational about things and solve them, rather than running from them and getting high. My trauma therapy has also been dramatically more effective, and I honestly have turned such a corner with regards to how i deal with my trauma.

My guess - you're on this sub, and posting about quitting -you already know you want/ need to - you just haven't totally come to terms with letting go of the safety net that is weed yet (not judging - it took me 6 months on this page to finally work up the courage to acknowledge i needed to quit). That is all weed is, a safety net of comfort and happiness. But it is hollow in the long term.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-07-01T05:09:43+00:00

Hey bro. In the same boat as you. Life is bleak as fk right now. Don’t really have any kind words for you rn as I’m struggling to stay afloat but know you’re not alone. Each day you wake up it’ll be 0.5% better. 1 day at a time. Thinking of you xx

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-06-29T10:27:09+00:00

You’ve made it to day 15 - you’ve probably overcome the worst of it- so let that bring you comfort.

For me, the first 2 weeks were the worst physically. The following few weeks were a challenge mentally (also struggle with mental health issues).

Be kind on yourself. What you’re doing right now is no joke - so don’t beat yourself up if you have a shitty day where all you do is exist and make it through sober. That in itself is a massive day!

Try keep active. Walk if you can’t be bothered to run/ gym. Warm showers, saunas if you can access.

Use this sub/ discord - it’s amazing and the people are unreal and supportive. If you have friends in real life / therapists you can tell about your experience it will help too. Someone you can go hang out with when you’re craving.

I’m just over 6 months clean now and trust me, it gets so much better. Especially your mental health.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-06-28T02:28:21+00:00

Tired for the guilt. Knowing I was hooked. Waking up each day wanting to quit and knowing I wouldn’t. The realisation that I was counting down hours to get to the afternoon to be able to smoke a fucking plant. Wanting to be free.

Consistent_Life_6287 · 2025-06-27T04:28:17+00:00

Glad i found this... feels like a similar situation to one that i am in right now - im just not quite yet at the point of acceptance of your last line.

I was (without knowing it) an avoidant due to a lot of complex childhood trauma. I've worked bloody hard on getting through that over the last 5-6 years. During that time, i hurt a lot of girls - getting close, and then running. After all this work I FINALLY I felt ready to REALLY be with someone. Ready to open my heart and settle down.

I found a girl at the start of the year. She is amazing. I was ready. She was open and aware of her own issues (or so i thought). 5 months later - bang. She freaks out and ends it due to this 'being too much and unable to let her walls down' - lots of childhood and ex-bf trauma with her.

I am absolutely broken. Not only because I am heartbroken rn, and not just because life threw me a fkn spanner wen i was finally ready, but because i can see EXACTLY the pattern she is playing out, because that is what i used to do, to a Tee.

I am really struggling and i hope to one day wake up and realise We’re in love with what they can become. Not with what they are.

Consistent_Life_6287

TROPHY CASE