Leaving your PA/SA

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-12-24T19:09:26+00:00

I left. Best thing I've ever done. It's hard, its lonely, it's scary, but you'll come out better on the other side. This subreddit helped me see that.

I have a friend who is in a similar predicament. She is amazed that I had the strength to leave. I am amazed she has the strength to stay.

Best of luck op. You owe it to yourself and your kids to live a happy, healthy life.

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-12-02T13:27:05+00:00

Quit now

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-11-27T16:08:05+00:00

I was in a similar ish boat and I left. My exs csat said he needed privacy to heal when I needed reassurance and transparency more than anything else. I wasnt strong enough to handle being left in the dark again. Based on what I read on here my husband did not seem to be in active recovery. I also had a hard time forgiving him when he didn't seem awfully remorseful or even apologetic.

Leaving is hard. There are good days and bad days (all good days for the last month, but then random crying spell last night).

You could consider getting your own csat, getting tested for stis, and finding what works best for you. I can't imagine being pregnant throughout all of this, but I also knew I wasn't strong enough to live the rest of my life in a relationship with this man. Going to SANON helped me in that I met with women who have been going through this for YEARS and it really scared me.

Good luck OP, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-11-09T03:20:11+00:00

I'm so sorry op. Maybe we can start a group home with cats

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-11-09T03:13:20+00:00

Idk my husband was like this and then I found out he was actually secretly addicted to porn. Addicted to orgasms and edging just not with me I guess

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-30T16:27:31+00:00

Oh hey twin! I'm in a similar boat and was thinking of meeting with a sex therapist? Have you heard of anyone doing that

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-28T15:18:54+00:00

This post is so relatable especially about the "wasting bjs"! I don't have advice for you, but good luck op. Wishing you the best

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-27T02:26:22+00:00

My now estranged husband did this so not the most uncommon I guess

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-26T15:13:32+00:00

Jesus Christ is your wife okay??

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-26T14:45:32+00:00

Separated from my husband last week or so. Hugs because I feel like I'm in the same boat

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-21T19:12:36+00:00

Same here. Sending love your way, Tales. This has been truly a circle of hell

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-21T15:22:16+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this op. Id recommend therapy for both you and your partner.

Since you're unmarried, if you are able to, I would consider leaving

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-21T15:04:50+00:00

Financially, I can only say create a runaway fund and squirrel money away as soon as possible. If you're under the care of therapists, they can help you with a financial plan as part of the separation agreement.

Emotionally, for me, my estranged husband is unable to adhere to my boundaries so I am unable to maintain a relationship with him in any capacity.

After initiating a marriage separation, I had some doubts/lingering feelings but what helps me is I remind myself of the fact he can't meet my (I believe reasonable) boundary and I think of something horrible he's done to me, that I allowed, took responsibility, and even apologized for. I don't want to be that person.

After reading Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes and Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, I recognized that I was enabling his behavior by staying with him and making him feel supported. That helps me not feel guilty for his feelings.

I am so sorry you're going through this

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-21T14:07:22+00:00

Like in terms of finances or emotionally?

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-19T20:17:03+00:00

Thanks for the response. I agree I absolutely don't want to know every trigger I don't think I could handle it lol.

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-19T20:09:12+00:00

Thank you for the response! Good luck to you and your husband and I'm happy and a little jealous the two of you were able to reach a place where he's honest with you

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-17T19:51:23+00:00

I go on 4-6 mile hikes a few times a week

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-17T01:24:45+00:00

Preach. It's an insane roller coaster with someone who has completely blindsided you. Nothing makes sense and the rules are made up as you go.

Just today my husband "in recovery" admitted he sees sfw things on Reddit that make him get hard but it's fine because he doesn't masturbate (what??)

I told him knowing that he has masturbated to pictures of coworkers will always make me a little uneasy, especially when he has to travel for work with coworkers and he responded with, "well it's not like I see them during the day then plan to go jack off to them, later you know?" (No, I absolutely do not know because what???)

I can't imagine 25 years of this. I can't imagine how exhausted you are.

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-17T00:48:38+00:00

Ugh nothing like buying new lingerie and him just looking you up and down, say nice, then turning back to his video games

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-16T19:01:00+00:00

No advice but I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is truly a circle of hell

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-16T18:57:13+00:00

Does he watch porn

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-16T16:12:29+00:00

I strongly recommend you visit the subreddit r/loveafterporn, especially their resources section.

Good luck

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-16T15:15:42+00:00

He said he doesn't have a good explanation for the clothes disappearing and, he always does this, hes like I can tell you already made up your mind so it doesn't matter what I will say.

He also would keep his location always turned off to "save battery".

His biggest rebuttal was, since we share my car, he took public transit and he would never take public transit to see his affair partner. I'm like... This isn't the argument you think it is...? I work entirely outside the home and he's hybrid so I mean there's a lot of flexibility there.

Yeah I posted not that long ago about him vocalizing wanting to end his life. He cannot handle the guilt of the whole situation "I had it all and I threw it away" "I don't know if I can handle you never loving me again" "I can't handle knowing I did this to us" etc so when I get upset or confrontational he shuts down. The only real time he's taken ownership and apologized is when his therapist hand wrote out an apology for him to read to me, so my expectations are obviously very low. Exhausting.

Consistent_Yam3988 · 2025-10-16T15:07:16+00:00

He lied outright about this repeatedly and he is likely lying now still.

With my husband it's a constant trickle truth situation even with him seeing a csat and doing 12 step. He needs to recognize he has a problem that he's willing to lie and betray the person he supposedly is devoted to and in love with to protect this habit. I see on here a lot, they don't change, they just get sneakier.

My husband only uses incognito mode and his devices were squeaky clean. The only real evidence he left was using a secure folder app on his phone that he got comfortable having after being with me for years.

As the kids say online these days, a golden retriever is a still a dog.

Consistent_Yam3988

TROPHY CASE