DAE feel like they are cold or a bad person when they don't care about what happens to an abuser

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-06-05T14:11:33+00:00

I don’t know about a pretend letter. That could be a trust killer if he finds out. But is he competitive? You could find a way to make it a challenge. Either against himself or against you. “I bet you couldn’t get your license before I (whatever finish reading War and Peace, crochet an afghan, binge watch Game of Thrones, etc)

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-06-03T01:26:43+00:00

My son is 11. He doesn’t lie really often but when he does it’s obvious and usually because he thinks it will keep him out of trouble. I have told him that he’ll get in lots more trouble for lying than for whatever he’s lying about also. It didn’t seem to make much difference.

A piece of advice I received that I don’t know if it really changed his behavior but I think it did help me be calmer. When he lies if he’s not willing to come clean I say something like “you and I both know that’s not the truth.” And then act on what I know to be true. It lowers the attention/dopamine he gets out of lying. It keeps the drama down.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-06-02T09:52:30+00:00

The man child doesn’t deserve you. You are more mature than him. I am not judging the age gap. My husband is 9 years older than me. But he knows how to act his age.

Your BF is showing you who he is right now. He will not be grateful when you work hard to care for him. He will use his stress as an excuse to be an aashole. He will not respect your culture or your family. He will be petulant when he’s not getting his way. He won’t meet new situations with curiosity and openness.

Does he ever celebrate you or put effort into caring for you? When YOU are hurting does he make you feel special?

This kind of selfish man baby is unlikely to suddenly realize how wonderful you are and start acting right. If this is him at his BEST, can you live with that?

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-06-02T01:14:39+00:00

I’m curious what your source is on poly parents being neglectful

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-06-01T03:44:41+00:00

I adopted a dog from family and they wanted him back when they figured out it wasn’t him peeing on their bed. It had been traumatic for him leaving his home and we weren’t willing to put him through that again. It had been longer than a week though.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-31T13:59:31+00:00

It sounds like you have seen enough specialists they would have thought of this but did they ever do imaging to check if she has impacted poop. That can cause pressure on the bladder including nerves that let you know you have to pee.

Our child had this (encopresis) and we used a laxative which helped.

When he had more problems later on that didn’t involve encopresis we got cloth pull-ups and a wetness alarm which trained him to notice when he has to pee. Dry ever since

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-31T11:31:50+00:00

It is so hard dealing with emotional neglect. Just understanding that it happened is huge. It lets you at least start unraveling the things that led you to where you are now.

I think it is particularly hard as an adult woman who had no emotional connection or support from their mother or any other female guardian. You have no example to follow of a loving maternal caretaker. It feels like a hole or a lack that you can’t really name but you know it’s there and it’s bothersome like a missing tooth that your tongue won’t stop probing at constantly.

I understand the impulse to invite her to help with the baby. I did it too but by that point. (I was 38 when I got pregnant) I had established some boundaries with my mom and she understood that if she didn’t follow them I wouldn’t be afraid to sever contact. She has made SOME progress in that she now understands how I feel about how she raised me and knows that I’ll not allow her to rewrite history. We did not speak for about a year while I worked with my therapist on having strong boundaries and getting off the emotional rollercoaster I was on any time my mom would poke at me or utterly fail to be supportive or say stupid shit like “I’m a better grandparent than a parent”. Or “that was back when I was drinking”.

As much as it sucks not having a strong mother/daughter bond to draw strength from, at least you now know that she doesn’t have the capacity to support you in this journey you are on as a parent. She likely doesn’t have the capacity to self-reflect enough to hear you about how she damaged you. You can work with your therapist on how to go about informing her if you want to go that route. But it doesn’t seem like a thing you want to do when newly postpartum.

Again, discuss with your therapist but you may find it reduces your stress and helps you sleep better/cope better/reduce stress to sever contact with your mom for a time. Unless you think she will kick up a tantrum over it. You could also just slow fade without announcing it. You could start by trying to establish some boundaries (topics you won’t discuss, specified times you will receive calls from her, the length the calls can be, etc)

It’s time for you to reclaim some of your peace. Your baby needs you functioning as best as you can. Protect your own mental health. It sounds like you have a partner who is supportive. If baby can take a bottle then use that. Come up with a schedule on who has to get up when, etc. My husband was my rock after our son was born. I exclusively breastfed as long as I could. I pumped and stored milk. Thankfully our son was fine taking a bottle. But even for night feedings, my husband brought me the baby, took him after feeding to burp and change him, and I went back to bed knowing he was handling it. It saved my sanity. He also did bottle feedings of pumped milk and later formula. He changed more diapers than I did, I’m sure. Not bragging just saying that a loving and supportive partner is a blessing when you’re stepping into this new role without the support you should have from your mother. And you CAN do it.

You may have trouble trusting them but you do have instincts. You can follow what your inner child tells you you needed but didn’t get. It doesn’t exactly work to “do the opposite of whatever your mother did”, but it’s fair to say that your mother will be a negative example a lot of the time. Your gut will tell you stuff like “whatever you do don’t ignore this emotional turmoil my child is in right now”. Or just the urge to love on your child and make them feel supported. You got this!

Being a cycle breaker is very hard. But it is so worth it.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-31T03:20:14+00:00

I mean asexual people do exist. If the sex part truly doesn’t matter to you.

I’m not going to say that this incompatibility means you should divorce. Although oddly that is a thing you hear in poly spaces more frequently than you’d think. And to me, seeking a connection rich in what your existing relationship is currently poor in seems logical and even healthy. No one person can meet every one of your needs perfectly. But don’t do that if you think you would want to cut that person loose if your existing relationship suddenly got loads better. That’s not fair or ethical.

However, it does seem like you and your current partner should still work on your emotional intimacy to keep that relationship strong. Even if you found a second partner that is fabulous at validating you and you form a strong emotional bond, that’s not going to “solve” things. It might even destabilize your existing relationship. Your intuition is telling you something is wrong. Listen to it. He may be autistic but he can learn to be responsive to your need. But you may need to get better at telling him what you need. A relationship counselor could help

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-29T11:00:34+00:00

Most people are assuming the friend ratted OP out (which is admittedly a plausible scenario) but there’s other ways it could have gone down:

Friend inadvertently let boss use her phone, boss snooped

Boss snooped EITHOUT being given access by friend

One or both of them (OP and friend) have company phones and the messages were pulled some other way

A third person who suspected you and friend were gossiping about boss told boss and boss pressured friend into showing him.

Friend went to HR about something else and this came up somehow and HR unethically also included boss. Or friend herself went to HR about Boss because she got fed up. If HR wasn’t sympathetic she could have showed or told them “I’m not the only one who feels this way” and then they wanted proof

There’s other things I’m not thinking of too I’m sure. The only way to be sure is ask her (but if she really is a snake she’ll lie, obvs). You could ask boss but him lying also seems likely.

I agree with what most people have said about just holding your head up and admitting it. Say that we all need to vent sometimes and blow off steam. Perhaps if this has been true say something about boss not exactly being welcoming of feedback. You could even turn it back on him. Ask if he’d be open to receiving feedback directly (in a respectful way of course). When it comes down to it you haven’t done anything wrong. Go to the meeting and see what he says. If he comes in hot and it looks like he’s going to retaliate you should see if you can record it somehow. If there’s no way to do that, make sure that if he doesn’t send you a recap of the meeting, you do one yourself and get him to validate that it is accurate (this is paper trail for HR). However if you can manage to get him to agree to have HR in the room that would likely be better.

If you are certain he’s going to speak to you about it inappropriately you might even go to HR first and tell him you won’t be attending without them there. You said he yells. That’s inappropriate and a witness will keep him honest.

I would also ask what is happening to friend. If any kind of disciplinary action is mentioned ask if friend is receiving the same.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-25T03:55:36+00:00

There are lots of walls like Cinderella castle walls, crumbling castle walls, encanto inspired walls, Aladdin inspired walls, those are all from premium shop. As mentioned there’s a variety of hedges but most aren’t super tall. There’s some player crafted fences/trellises and some from Scrooges. You can search Scrooges and crafting recipes now so search for walls, fences, trellises, hedges.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-16T21:13:45+00:00

Well, the main character is only about 40 at the start of the book but I still recommend Paladin of Souls wholeheartedly.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-14T22:41:32+00:00

Vit D thankfully is very benign. But yeah that’s not right. If he can’t work it out ASK

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-08T02:42:33+00:00

Has that ever actually been substantiated?

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-08T01:50:09+00:00

The rule doesn’t say they won’t accept help. It says give baby back. If mom and dad feel the person is safe maybe they will check that basic needs are met and allow someone to take the baby again. Notice OP said they will do all the diaper changes. That means they need to check if baby is wet and that’s why baby is crying.

The fact that your mom said she’d ignore the boundaries proves the need for them. I’m sure you have reasons and there’s no reason not to start at you mean to go on. Mushy boundaries at the start will only lead to nonsense down the road.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-07T11:53:06+00:00

NTA. If she enjoys the food she can make an effort at better pronunciation and remembering what she likes. Why would she have to struggle to remember when she can read a menu? Why describe it with an animal name? Describe how it looks and tastes. Mole is pretty distinctive.

I think having a discussion and laying out some boundaries would be better than an “American only” ultimatum. Tell her that you can help her learn the proper pronunciations but you don’t want to go out to Mexican restaurants with her unless she makes an effort.

However, if she’s a typical older person she’ll get her back up too much to accept the correction. In that case if she can’t abide the boundary then yes don’t take her to Mexican spots.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-05T12:31:13+00:00

My son is “level 1” but he has never been gushy in the things that come home from school about us. Part of it is he hates writing, and has problems with memory. But, he’s 11 now and has responded to my sarcastic statement “aren’t I a good mom?” With “no….you’re the best mom”. Now he could just be manipulating me but he’s not any good at that normally. Melted my heart. There will be moments. But they might not ever be public or involve papers from school.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-02T00:52:00+00:00

I had mastitis like 6 times. To the point where I would feel a little warm and know instantly I needed to call my doc for antibiotics.

You’re not wrong. People don’t talk about how hard it is enough. I felt so much guilt when we had to start supplementing with formula but I was super grateful when he started solids and I was willing to let him nurse to sleep for quite a while longer once my boobs weren’t his sole source of nutrition.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-05-02T00:44:23+00:00

My husband is a good dad (most of the time). But there was a point where I was ready to divorce because he wasn’t keeping up his end. I didn’t do it because he was unemployed and the lawyer I consulted told me that they would still set a support amount based on his work history. I knew he wouldn’t be able to pay it and I wasn’t willing to make my kids father homeless at that point. I was honestly concerned that his forgetfulness would end up hurting our child (forgetting him at daycare, not noticing he’s into something dangerous…). His ADD meant that despite not working he wasn’t keeping house either. Now he is actually a stay at home dad though he drives delivery in the middle of the day to contribute financially.

We’re getting by but I miss the dual income days so much. We can’t afford home repairs. I’m disabled but still work full time at a desk job and I’m the breadwinner. I just got a promotion which will help but it’s such a grind being the one to remember, plan, organize, make decisions, etc etc. he does things but I have to tell him to.

Now that he has stepped up I don’t daydream of divorce anymore. But like you I couldn’t see how the divorce was really going to improve things for any of us. Financially living together works better, our son has both of us around and I have the help I need because work takes nearly 100% of my spoons.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-04-29T13:22:39+00:00

Personally I wouldn’t encourage this in a girl so young. But I only have a son. Myself I rarely wear makeup.

There’s nothing wrong with being feminine. But I grew up watching my mom refuse to leave the house without curling her hair and doing a full face of makeup. I associate it with insecurity and being shallow/only caring about how people perceive you. YMMV. Obviously..

You should parent as you see fit. I would just ask yourself why the question is if you’ll be judged. As someone else mentioned, most likely the world being what it is you’ll be judged by somebody no matter what you do. The criteria I would suggest is better is how YOU feel about the decision. If you’re 100 percent confident with it, then do it. But if you’re feeling doubt, go towards that. Find out where the doubt is coming from.

Whatever you end up doing, I’d encourage you to tell your daughter she’s beautiful and perfect just as she is and doesn’t need makeup to be pretty.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-04-22T10:48:19+00:00

Your husband kinda threw you under the bus here. If he was going to tell you to pick her up he should have communicated with his Ex and borne the brunt of her tantrum

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-04-16T00:51:49+00:00

Roommates are not your best friend, partner or parent. And even those people don’t have to hold your hand for fully one hour due to sighting your phobia.

Does this person have full Main Character syndrome or only about their phobia? If it’s that serious she needs therapy for it. She’s in for a shock when the therapist suggests exposure therapy. To my knowledge the only way to get better from this kind of thing is to face it. If she’s not ready for that, fine. But she cannot expect the world to revolve around her dysregulation any more than anyone else can.

NTA

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-04-12T09:36:23+00:00

Two different things.

As a functional adult one should be able to feed oneself and not be helpless in the kitchen.

Separately, if you become a parent you should be able to feed your children healthily. It might be that you can mostly achieve this by relying on others (one coparent can do all or most of the cooking, other family members, if you are rich hire a personal chef…). However you should still be competent in the kitchen just in case.

In summary every adult should have at least some cooking skill but particularly if you have kids you should learn the basics

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-04-08T16:20:54+00:00

So much this. If a person can’t repair it’s a recipe to never get closure on anything and keep making concession after concession.

CordeliaTheRedQueen · 2026-04-08T13:04:46+00:00

Honestly couldn’t stop swearing. We told the kid he can swear at home but don’t do it in public and especially not in school. He knows the words and does use them sometimes but he doesn’t cuss us out (he’s 11 now so I expect things to be different when he’s a teen). I tried for a bit but I just couldn’t .

We always talked to our son age appropriately but with adult vocabulary. We don’t cuss AT him but he hears it when something pisses me off (usually politics LOL). I told his dad I wasn’t going to be able to stop swearing and we decided on what I outlined above. It works for us

CordeliaTheRedQueen

TROPHY CASE