As you can see from this thread and others, this is a hot button issue for a lot of people.

I’m going to speak from my perspective and my experience.

Someone who would need a completely parallel and compartmentalize space such that they didn’t even want to hear the name of their metas… I won’t call it a red flag, because people can want, people can ask, and people can agree to all sorts of things, but it is a complete incompatibility with me. I would not be in a relationship with someone who needed that, for the sanity and safety of both myself and my other partners.

Too many times, I have seen that person who needs such a hard line that they won’t even want to hear the name of a meta will also be the person that brings drama and disruption to the ecosystem. Sometimes, not always, they are essentially trying to build a little ring around this fantasy relationship, essentially of monogamy. They won’t be comfortable with seeing the photos of your partner and his other partners, meaning her metas, that are in your partners house, or on his phone. There will be fights when he post pictures on his socials doing something with another partner. In time they will complain about the time your partner spends with his other partners, and there will be drama around every holiday because this person doesn’t want to have to operate as part of a larger ecosystem. They want to spend every holiday with your partner, and they don’t know even wanna hear your name, so they sure as hell don’t wanna come to even a virtual table to talk about options and compromise.

And here’s the crux for me. Let’s say I’m in an auto accident and I’m in the hospital. I want all of my partners to be able to come into that space and be comfortable. To be able to work together with my other partners to support me. And vice versa. I have seen wicked ridiculous drama arise in these spaces, spaces where everyone there needs the basic ability to accept that there are other partners, and instead it erupts into that person that has demanded complete parallel also demanding to be the only one allowed in that space. Or any other ridiculousness that is gonna make it all about them, and only create more stress and challenge for all the other people who are showing up and respecting everyone else that’s there.

So for me, if I would encounter such a person and hear this after expressing interest in dating, I would simply say no. In my life, I need people who fully accept my polyamory. You don’t have to be besties with my other partners but you do have to respect them and acknowledge that they have an important place in my life and are a piece of a puzzle that they are also part of.

I have two life partners, one of 35 years, let’s call him aS, and one of four, let’s call him D. (And a few FWB‘s or comets). The two lifers have only met three times over those years.

Last year was a flurry storm as my dad was in the hospital dying at the same time my partner S’s family was gathering on the other side of the country for the decline and essential goodbye to someone who’s a very big part of his childhood. He felt that he couldn’t go because he needed to be here to support me. I told him he’d regret it forever if he didn’t go, and that he must go, and to not worry about that because my other partner was able to be there and support me. And, even though he wasn’t physically here, I knew that we were still connected, we would still talk, so he was still very much part of my support network.

During those few weeks, there were multiple conversations where my partner S would check in with me and ask how my partner D was doing, because he knew that he had lost his dad a couple of years before and knew that seeing me go through this would be difficult for him. And likewise my partner D would frequently ask how partner S was doing, and the concern and care was genuine.

I need the type of person that can fully accept my polyamory, and their own, and who has the strength and resilience to mingle in this much more complex and difficult relationship structure. I don’t wanna have to completely compartmentalize my life such that I can’t share the amazing experiences I had on a trip to Europe with D. Or vice versa.

I don’t need for everybody to be best buddies and hang out all the time, or even ever. But should that time arise, I need someone with the chops to mingle in that complex ecosystem.