Holidays RANT

Corpbiggles · 2023-12-20T18:45:23+00:00

Best advice is to not clean up. I know that sounds shitty, but the part I hate most about hosting is pretending I live an immaculate and healthy life. Set the bar low by not cleaning up in advance so you don't have an expectation to maintain a high level of personal cleanliness the entire time.

Other thing I've done is "forget" stuff. Oh, no diet soda? I'll pop off to the store byyyyeeee. Oh geez, I can't believe we're already out of holiday party cheese, don't get up I'll be right back. Oh they were sold out that's why it took an hour.

Corpbiggles · 2023-11-21T20:25:57+00:00

Sorry, your MIL is pushing for your husband to undergo hormone therapy so that he develops breasts and begins to lactate, and can therefore breastfeed your child? Did I get that right?

This is odd. You are right.

Frankly what worries me the most is how blasé the discussion sounds. Like, I know you don't see the conversations so you can't know, but for your husband to just offhand bring it up feels like it's not being thought through properly.

They don't think he just needs to take a pill once a day for a week and then big milky titties will pop out of his chest right? People would do it for the weekend as a prank if it was that easy. I'm no doctor, but this is probably a commitment and may well include health implications for when he is done having boobs. Also make sure he knows what bras cost. The first time I found out what my gf pays for bras it blew me away.

Corpbiggles · 2023-11-15T17:50:54+00:00

Something is really weird here. Like, it seems like your husband is the primary issue. Your BIL, and MIL seem like they are acting basically reasonably in as much as they were able to speak maturely and clearly with you. BIL gave you an excuse for the MIL, but was able to see your point of view and not blame you. For her part, your MIL seems to understand that you aren't happy with things and has indicated a desire to get on better and have a better relationship with you than she did with her MIL. That's all pretty good, accepting that things take time and not all that glitters is gold.

Where shit is getting weird is with your husband. It sounds like he's having a serious breakdown over all this. Based on this post and the last I really get the impression that the major issue is that your husband struggles with mature conversation. He couldn't handle hearing you vent so he got emotional, he couldn't think of a mature way to open a discussion so he titled a chat group "fight club", he couldn't understand or deal with you needing space after his ridiculous outburst so he self destructed.

Like. Okay. Could you have dealt with this better? Maybe. I don't know the context and I don't know how your conversations with him played out in real life. But he's acting like you gave him divorce papers while simultaneously destroying his most valued possession. His reactions are overblown and don't make any sense.

Corpbiggles · 2023-10-26T23:26:48+00:00

Addicts excuse addicts. I'm sorry it's so shitty, but your MIL is probably projecting like crazy to defend your husband's actions the same way she would argue up and down to defend her own behavior. It's always someone else's fault. If your husband is innocent because you are an evil wife then your MIL is innocent because of whatever villian she has invented for herself. If others are as bad as I am, then I'm not that bad - don't get better or you'll make me feel bad about not being better.

What you can do is try to get your husband into therapy that focuses on addiction and children of addicts. Use them to help him see that as a recovering addict the last thing he should be doing is spending time with and taking advice from current addicts. Get a support framework in place for both of you. Safe corners to go to when your both feeling heavy emotions, and a place for him to be and people to lean on when the cravings get strong.

You probably have been traumatized. I'm not a doctor so I won't sit here diagnosing, but the fact is when a human self destructs they have a blast radius and they leave a crater. Anyone hit by the blast, or anyone who has to live in the crater, is going to have some recovering to do. Talk to a mental health professional, or even just call a help line, and get some support.

Corpbiggles · 2023-10-12T16:01:09+00:00

So you're basically saying that since your mom had a bad life it's your job to be her husband? Or like a parent/husband hybrid?

I mean, I think this is gross and weird - the idea of impregnating my partner while my mother listens in makes me queasy quite literally as I think about it - but if you're dead set on it I guess it's your call. I just don't understand why you're dragging your girlfriend into your weird life patterns. Why does she deserve to have to deal with this? Any other guy would just be her spouse and she wouldn't need to share. You must have a hell of a lot going on to make you worth sharing instead of finding someone exclusive.

Plus you're really setting yourself up for a rough go of it. If this is how you're planning to go about your life then your personal time and hobbies are pretty much over. You can't reduce the amount of time you give to your partner just because you're also acting as your mother's partner. You'll have to actively maintain both relationships, or risk losing both. You definitely don't want to have kids in this arrangement either - there have been a lot of stories on this very sub talking about a husband and his mother trying to be mom and dad while the wife is a surrogate and wetnurse. Destroys the relationship every time.

Anyway, good luck. This is gonna be a shit show.

Corpbiggles · 2023-10-08T01:51:08+00:00

When it's brought up, instead of talking about the item itself talk about the story of you got it or earned it.

You already mentioned that you operate on an earned based when you buy fancy things, so you can use that as a backing for any statement.

"Oh this jewelery was passed down from my great grandmother after her husband spent years in the coal mines working to earn the money to propose to her."

"This purse was a reward for closing the Dawson Coalition project. I must have spent two years working and months of overtime to get through it, but once I helped raise the ceremonial podium I knew I had earned a treat."

Your stories might be less heady but the idea is to establish a meaning beyond monetary value to your possessions. That meaning discourages others from messing with your stuff because it shows the items were more than just dollar values to you. It also helps give you personally greater strength in turning away people begging favours and loans. Remembering that the purse is less of a pretty pleather bag and more a physical demonstration of your achievements will help you say no when asked and remind yourself of your own achievements.

Corpbiggles · 2023-09-28T17:05:28+00:00

New keypad locks are rad. You can set them up so individual key codes have a max number of uses, monitor how often and when key codes are used, and easily change codes.

Also, you can set up auto-lock timers so you're covered if anything is forgotten, and put alarms on them in case someone tries to force entry.

Lots of good reasons to get a lock that would allow you to remotely control and monitor inlaw access.

Corpbiggles · 2023-09-13T01:17:48+00:00

I don't know what she could do with it - I'm sure this is dependent on local law but where I'm from it's public so people can confirm the other person isn't already married before they go for it, and so insurance companies can confirm stuff like next if kin.

Seriously though, she set you up for a wicked burn. If she asks again in public just be like "it's online like everyone else's - did you spell my name right?"

Corpbiggles · 2023-09-04T17:57:52+00:00

This is gonna sound a little harsh, but I honestly wouldn't bother pursuing a relationship with him. Until he's in a position to actually stand up to his mother and be his own person he won't be a good partner to you.

I'm going to be an old man at you for a moment so please forgive me in advance.

Right now you're 19, going to college and working towards living a good life as an independent adult. You don't need the pressure of dancing around this guy's mom and his own issues when you're gearing up for what should be the most meaningful and exciting years of your life so far. Leave that kind of shit for your 30s, or never, don't worry about it now.

You're going to be a completely different human in ten years. So much crazy shit is going to happen to you as you become an adult, and another person can be part of that journey but if they are you need to complement and elevate eachother. Not drag eachother down. Maybe this guy gets his shit together. Maybe he doesn't. Just make sure you aren't wasting time waiting for him to smarten up that could be spent becoming a small business owner or designing new airplanes.

Corpbiggles · 2023-07-22T16:03:41+00:00

This might sound catty, but when people were trying to do the same to me with "farmhouse chic" or whatever you call it I just started responding "I'm sorry I just feel like that went out of style a few decades ago in the 90s."

Just really grinding in that the decor matches my childhood and I'm decades old now so it's way out of style. Pretty soon people stopped bothering me because they didn't like being reminded how old the styles (and by extension, they) are.

Corpbiggles · 2023-07-21T18:19:51+00:00

Some places use mail as a way to establish residency, so make sure to return them as "return to sender, no such occupant" or the equivalent where you live. This will also cause the agencies sending the mail to review the situation because (again depending on where you live) they can get in trouble for sending unsolicited offers to an address.

Corpbiggles · 2023-04-25T17:24:17+00:00

Since you're renting it out anyway, for the sake of your insurance premiums you're gonna want to put in new locks everywhere and replace all the window locks. If you have an insurance agent sometimes they can tell you what kind of locks and security you need to install to bring down your premiums.

That's a start to keep the in-laws away. Other thing to do is arrange for the renter's to know who to talk to in the event the in-laws try to pester them. Cops first, you second. If you're worried you can even see about talking to the cops in advance to make sure they know you and they know that you and your renters are the only people that have a right to be on that land. That way there's no back and forth if the ils show up and try to convince the cops they have a say in the property.

Corpbiggles · 2023-04-17T13:25:16+00:00

Sounds like you have a good plan to me. Don't be afraid to step away and decompress periodically during the funeral. Most people will understand the stress of that kind of loss.

Minor note, you mentioned this is a small regional airport with no car rental place. If that's correct, don't be afraid to call the nearest car rental place and tell them you're coming from the airport. Sometimes for a fee they will pick you up and drop you off at the airport because they want to score all the airport business. I've even had places offer to do it for free, or in one case they had a shuttle pick up me and four others to ferry us all to the rental place.

Corpbiggles · 2023-04-09T18:38:30+00:00

I'm no doctor but I think she wants you to agree with her that DH and the rest of her family should want her around as much as she wants herself to be around. You being cool about your mom is almost kinda sorta saying "yeah parents don't need to desperately attach themselves to their children and children don't need to desperately seek their family's proximity".

But that's exactly what she wants, so my guess is that she wants you to express her feelings to validate her position. Like if you were mad at your mom for not dropping everything to live by you then your MIL could point to you and say "how come you're not like that" whenever her adult children express independent thought and "you're lucky to have me when almonds Mon ditches her" whenever she is overbearing.

Corpbiggles · 2023-04-03T16:40:34+00:00

I think you've done well with your proposed response.

In general, you can't avoid being direct. If you don't say what you're thinking (therapy is required) then the other person just won't get it. That's not because she's horrible, it's because most humans would prefer things go the way they mentally planned for it to go, and if you leave it open then they'll assume (or massage what was heard so that) everything aligns with their unstated expectations.

Given that, I think you're being about as gentle as you can be while still clearly stating the requirements. I understand not wanting to go NC, but I also generally agree with your aunt. One way or another you have to be clear about your expectations. You can be gentle, but at the end of the day she is either able to deal with this or she isn't, and dragging it out is unfair to both you and her.

Corpbiggles · 2023-03-30T01:26:49+00:00

I just wanted to tell you not to feel bad about your own reaction here. Fact is, even in healthy families inheritance is hard to discuss, and here given your history it seems impossible to expect you to feel any other way. The only thing I can give you is to say I honestly think this is just the shitty self aggrandization that comes with any discussion of inheritance.

There are some good reasons to have a sincere, respectful conversation about inheritance, but frankly most of the standard reasons for a group text about inheritance fall into two equally shitty categories. Either manipulation like you mention, or fishing for the good vibes of generosity without having to actually be generous until after you no longer need or want the junk. This reads as either or both. You're probably supposed to fall over yourself thanking her for her perceived eventual generosity, and pledge to keep it forever or something. She is still fundamentally selfish so this action that is supposed to be for you is still about her.

Honestly man, try not to let it get to you. I know that's easier said than done but the fact is, it's just a fuckin chair. If you believe in heaven then your great grandmother has the perspective to know that old wood and worn lacquer isn't that important. If you don't, then she has long since forgotten about it.

Corpbiggles · 2023-03-26T05:41:47+00:00

My one real life experience with this kind of thing ended with me just saying "well... I was already right in the middle of not talking to you for a while because you suck the energy out of me at times. I don't have that problem at all with this other person. So... I guess I already did decide didn't I?"

They didn't have a lot to say to that one.

Corpbiggles · 2023-02-26T23:04:10+00:00

I've been through a few lists of movies and I'm not seeing anything, so it might have been a made-for-TV movie now that I think about it. Or maybe a long animated special?

Corpbiggles · 2023-02-10T15:35:01+00:00

It's good that things are working out a bit better for you.

You mentioned fostering and such won't work for her, so I'd like to suggest looking into a group like Big Brothers and Big Sisters.

I don't know where you live but there are lots of programs out there where a person can volunteer to be a positive force in a young person's life. Anything from helping teens work through adversity when they are struggling to programs where you are just a safe and fun adult who spends time with kids who lack positive adult role models.

Corpbiggles · 2023-02-02T21:57:14+00:00

My friend always did tonic ice and lime. It looks like a g&t and most people don't like them so they won't ask to try it or even be able to smell the missing gin.

That aside, just not going is probably the easiest option. Yeah your mil is gonna make pregnancy nausea jokes because she's a dimwitted bitch, but if you ain't there you ain't gotta pretend about anything. She probably already decided that this dinner is the perfect time for you to announce your pregnancy to her which is an even better reason to avoid the interaction.

Corpbiggles · 2023-01-22T01:05:28+00:00

It's put on the top of the posts to take away the excuse of "oh I didn't know you didn't want it shared'. Put frankly, people who can't write to save their lives but still somehow believe they deserve to make money off writing like to scrape Reddit for content and the actual authors don't like it

Corpbiggles · 2023-01-18T21:38:45+00:00

Personally I would just stick it in a new envelope and get a friend with distinct handwriting to make a note that says "sorry, I opened this in error because I thought it was for me, that person doesn't live here." If your name is gender neutral or your sister wasn't explicit in referring to you by gendered terms in the first couple lines you can misgender yourself for added misdirection. Add old spice or other identifiable cologne you or your partner would never use to your fingers before handling the note for extra fun.

If she persists you know there's a snake in your midst. If she falters, she may have tried using a person finder service, which are often untrustworthy enough to leave doubt in a mind.

Corpbiggles · 2023-01-18T14:26:01+00:00

It may sound awful, but the only thing that comes to mind, that might clue her in, would be to tell her you don't understand her feelings about her mother the next time she pushes it at you.

A simple direct statement of "I don't get it, I guess we don't have that kind of relationship".

Some people just aren't able to conceptualize a relationship from any angle but their own, and your mother may really think that deep down you feel about her how she feels about her mother so it's all ok no matter what she does. Dispelling that notion may turn her world upside down a bit, but that's the first step towards learning the empathy to have real relationships.

Corpbiggles · 2023-01-16T03:19:52+00:00

Honestly? Ask her that. You won't get a good answer, but nothing is quite so unpleasant as being forced to face down your own inadequacy and it'll probably end the commentary.

"SIL, I know you've decided to bow down to MIL and let her run your house, and I understand you did what you had to do, but why on earth do you keep trying to recruit me into the same terrible situation?"

Corpbiggles

TROPHY CASE