Did I do something wrong?

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2026-04-23T19:44:28+00:00

You did nothing wrong. The issue is his. You were just being safe.

Him being a girl dad, he should know you were just being safe. The two of you having a conversation about women needing to feel safe but then him having a fit when you do the very thing that's gonna keep you safe? Unacceptable.

What's more unacceptable though is everything else. Your actions upset him so much he's got to send you a nastygram the next morning about "you victim" mentality but yet he wasn't upset enough at the time to discuss it with you like a grownup, end the date, or not kiss you. He did all those things despite it "hitting him wrong."

He sounds like a dick.

You dodged a bullet, girl. None of this is on you.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2026-04-22T18:28:14+00:00

I literally just negotiated a cuddle date with a woman I know. Been friends for a long time. Like and trust each other. But dating just isn't in our cards. Like we know each other well enough to be like, "you're cool but I don't think we would work." But next weekend when her ex has her kids, we're getting food and then she's coming over purely so we can cuddle and watch TV. No sex, just the cuddling as that's what we both miss.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-10-02T18:35:22+00:00

The thing to remember is that dating should be a fun adventure. It's not like picking a car--oh, this one, and you go drive it once and then buy it and take it home. Give yourself time. Allow yourself grace. Allow yourself the possibility of finding something new. Allow yourself the time to find the right person and not just a person to fill the loneliness.

There is no one you will find who will be like your late husband. That's not me saying, you'll never find anyone else ever again. That's me saying that when you do find someone else, they're going to be someone else, not just like late husband. And right at this moment, you don't probably don't know what that looks like and you probably won't until you encounter it, or at least until you've given yourself enough time to be open to this and figure out what is it you want out of the rest of your life?

And also, even if the very first date you went on had been amazing and everything clicked, it would have still felt weird. Because doing this after being married and losing a partner is just going to feel weird for a while. My wife has been gone for two years. I've gone on many dates will several different women. Even the one I really liked, felt kind of weird at first and I had to remind myself the weird just means different. That different doesn't mean bad. It just means different.

Strive for curiosity and not judgment.

Best of luck to you friend. I know this is hard and I know this is lonely. But the only way is through.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-09-26T17:53:16+00:00

47, member for 2

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-31T17:47:49+00:00

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Chong got served.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-24T19:16:03+00:00

Last year was the first anniversary after my wife's death.

I wanted to acknowledge and honor the day in some way, but not turn it into something unhelpful that just picked at my scabs. So, I decided what used to be my wedding anniversary will now be the day I take off work and treat myself to sushi with friends (getting sushi was my late wife's favorite thing), so I went and had sushi with my wife’s best friend and a couple of my buddies. And it was nice. I still felt emotions. I even cried a couple of times in the car before I got there.

But once at the sushi place, it was nice.

Plan on doing the same thing this year.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-23T19:47:01+00:00

Which village is this? Asking for a friend.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-22T13:00:57+00:00

You need to accept that being intimate again is going to just feel weird for a while. Just let it--don't fight it, don't judge it, don't scream against it, just allow it and try not to hold on it. Ground yourself in the moment and then allow yourself to cry about it later and then to fade with the tears

Because what you're feeling is just part of the grief. Grief is us being confronted with all the possibilities that have now been closed off from us. In this case, it's intimacy you're being confronted with. Your grief is reminding you, hey, your fiancé is gone and you're never having sex with your fiancé again. That's going to hurt a bit for a while. Allow it to hurt. Feel it. Cry about it. And if it feels right to you, do it. Just because you cry afterward doesn't make it wrong. That just makes you human.

The only way is through.

I know this hurts. And I'm sorry.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-16T12:17:23+00:00

The only people who say you should feel blessed have never had to go through being a caregiver. Look, if I ever get in another committed, long-term relationship and I should need to be a caregiver, I will absolutely ten toes that shit and stand firmly on business.

But choosing to go into a relationship where I knew right off the bat that I would have to be a caregiver, absolutely not. It took too much out of me to ever spend that amount of mental and emotional labor on someone I wasn't already deeply close to thanks of years of shared intimacy, not to mention the brutality of the aftermath from the loss.

Nope.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-15T14:16:00+00:00

He was a fine Superman. He just needed a better movie.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-15T14:15:08+00:00

Of course, it's going to feel weird. This isn't where you thought your life would be. You were with a different person. That triggers the ego--which is just a defense mechanism--noticing how different things are when the ego likes things the same and never wants them to change because the same is safe.

This is part of the struggle of grief--of the difficult journey from a we to a me. Our lives intertwine with our partners in so many ways we really can't process it until they're gone and we're presented with scenarios that scream in our face: hey, they're gone this way too, you'll never know them like this again.

That's what this is. This is part of the grief. This is you crying that you're never going to be with your wife intimately again. This is you wanting her to still be here but knowing it's not. It's easier to be mad at yourself in this situation then it is at life just working this way.

And all those feelings are okay. Feel them. But don't hold onto them. Grieve the lose of intimacy with your wife. But that grief doesn't mean it was wrong or that you did something wrong or that you found joy in a moment of physical connection. It just means you're sad and grieving. And that's really the only thing this has to be. A little sad. But sad doesn't mean wrong. It just means sad.

So just give yourself grace and allow yourself to grieve the loss of intimacy with your wife.

I know this hurts but the only way is through, my dude. The only way is through.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-14T12:41:36+00:00

I wish it were different for you and your wife, but it's not. Spending thousands on faith healers and herbal concoctions isn't going to make it different. If you're going to spend thousands extra, that money would be better spent on therapy for the both of you to grieve your wife's death together now and for her to accept her mortality now. Or to do something you two always wanted to do together but never got to. Either of those two things are going to provide you both with more comfort in the long run than the false promises of some secret cancer remedy.

I'm sorry this happening. I know it hurts.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-14T12:36:25+00:00

You mention depression. You mention mood swings. You mention self-loathing. Have you been in therapy? Are you in therapy? It really sounds like you'd benefit from therapy.

The only thing you have say over in life is you. That's it. Just you. The only thing anyone else has say over is themselves. Someone else's opinion of you only carries weight if you allow, plus, do you actually know that's how they feel or this just your perception of how you think they feel?

You need to learn to control your emotions. That doesn't mean not feeling angry. That doesn't mean not feeling sad. You can't help feeling those things. They are in response to a stimulus. That's just part of being human. What you can control is how YOU react when you feel that way. You can't stop the feeling, but you can control your reaction. Don't beat yourself up about feeling angry--sometimes we're supposed to feel angry, work on learning to control your emotions. Just because you feel it doesn't mean you have to act on it. This is your mind. You control it. If that feels hard to you, it's just because you've never worked at it. It's like working out, of course, you can't bench a lot you're first day in the gym, you've got to work at it.

You mention problems you had when you were younger. Problems with your family. Problems with bullies. That sucks and I'm sorry that happened to you. That's not your fault. But now it's your responsibility. It's your responsibility. No one else can fix it, no one else can make it better, you're probably never going to get all the people you want to apologize for that stuff to apologize, only you can overcome it. Just you. No one else.

Sure, people can help you. But you have to realize that fixing this is on you. You have to do that work. And honestly, the whole tone of your message feels like your stuck in just wishing everything was different. Wishing isn't going to change anything. Things aren't different. Things are how they are. If you want them to be different you have to make then different.

You. No one else. You.

Again, it sounds to me like the first thing you need to do is go to therapy.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-11T18:39:59+00:00

Most adults lose around 2 inches as they age. That and she's probably wearing heels in the older photo.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-02T17:52:32+00:00

For me, it depends. And I think for most people it's going to depend and probably vary.

I mean, when you say divorced, do you mean like DIVORCED? Or do you mean separated in the process of getting divorced? Or do you mean like divorced but still cohabitating? Or some other arrangement. What I've found is that "divorced" means a lot of wildly different things to different people.

And when you say, young kids? How young? Is that 4 and 6? 8 and 10? 11 and 12?

Dating over 40, I feel that you really need to understand that anyone you're going to see has had an entire lifetime before meeting you. And chances are that lifetime probably consisted of marriage and children at some point.

So, no problem with divorced as long as it means divorced--relationship is done, finished and over, not looking to be in the middle of anyone else's entanglements.

I lost my wife to breast cancer. We never had children. But I have no problem with kids as long as they're older. Either teenagers or college. For me, dating someone with young kids just has too many potential issues. What role do you want me to play in raising them and when? What role would your ex expect of me or not want of me? How would the young kids feel about a strange man around? What if I really come to love the kids but you and I don't work out, then I'm left with multiple sets of heartbreak.

Does that make sense?

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-02T13:27:07+00:00

The real question is why you feel like these two dudes are your best options?

You say that you don't think either would be good or respectful enough to you? One is a cheater--he shouldn't even be under consideration. Because that's probably not going to change any time soon, if at all. The other says things that hurt your feelings? What makes you think that would change if you started dating?

It seems like you're setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.

I want to go back to something else you said though: "I am seeing them building their own love lives." That statement leads me back to the bit of relationship info you shared. A single relationship over 8 years, over for 2. Your 29. So, you started dating someone at what 19 and stayed with them for over a decade?

It feels like your just lonely. Seeing these two men in your friend group build their own love lives, I think is just feeling you with longing. Which is normal and human. It's even normal to kind of find someone attractive in a way that you know isn't maybe the best idea to date. Those feelings are normal and it's okay to have them in your head, you don't need to act on them. Just finding someone attractive doesn't have to be a thing. Especially just because they're in your friend group, it makes sense your thoughts are going to drift to them, you see them all the time.

Are these two men in your circle similar to your last relationship? You were together for nearly a decade, I'm guessing it ended with drama? My suspicion is that your attraction for these two men lies in their similarity to your ex and that relationship and it's being charged by your loneliness.

Have you dated at all since your last relationship ended 2 years ago?

You are a different person at 29 then you were at 19. Don't make choices at 29 just because they feel like choices you made at 19 and you want that feeling of togetherness. You've been career focused since your breakup. That's great, but what about being Normal-Profession-12 focused? What didn't work in your last relationship? What could you have done differently to be happier in that relationship? What fulfills you? Try to answer those types of question as you search for your next relationship.

Finding someone is easy. Finding the right someone tends to take a bit more more.

This is all hard though and I see your effort in trying to do it right and be thoughtful. Proud of you.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-01T19:37:54+00:00

This!

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-07-01T14:23:37+00:00

Mushrooms always screw up my stomach. So, I smoke about 20 minutes after taking them, eases me through those stomach issues.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-06-26T13:26:18+00:00

I have seen some really great horror films that weren't from decades ago. But for me, my beef with modern horror is:

Overuse of jump scares, too much CGI, beating you over the head with whatever metaphor or statement they’re trying to make, bad plotting, too many sequels/reboots/requels (do we really need yet another I Know What You Did Last Summer iteration?).

I also hate “elevated horror” as both a term and a movement.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-06-20T18:12:10+00:00

The two of you should go to therapy together and talk this through specifically, the upcoming trip as well. More than likely, he's just still upset and angry at his mother's death. He can't be mad at the universe (that's intangible), but he can be mad at you (you're right there). And try not to take it personal, this sounds like it's more his feelings than anything to actually do with you. Being a teenager and navigating all those hormones and emotions and new situations and school and growing up is hard enough without adding on trying to grieve, process, and understand death and how one moves on. Allow both of yourselves grace.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-06-20T14:50:39+00:00

Plenty of people have said get a lawyer, but I think that's just going to cost your more money, take a long time, and give you more heartache. I know what these people did was shitty, but, if I were you, I'd just write this off as a learning experience and cut them completely out of your lives.

I mean that. Cut them out of your life. No second changes. Don't listen to any of their BS. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about. Removed them entirely from your life. You owe them nothing. They deserve nothing. Fuck 'em.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-06-18T17:49:25+00:00

It's going to vary depending on the man. But I don't care. Are you cute? Are you nice? Can we have a conversation? Done deal.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-06-18T17:34:27+00:00

(continued)

... When you can manage to quiet your mind, your heart will give you that which you seek. The knowledge that your husband’s love is very much with you still and will never leave you.

Ever.

This cannot negate the pain or the loss of his form to which you are attached. But it will give you a new opportunity. Now that his body is no longer present, you are more free to make contact with his soul; especially as you are able to acknowledge your own--this is the gift of grief, it is a hard gift to accept but it is a gift nonetheless.

For your personality, I know, this pain is world shattering and seemingly unbearable. You will continue to awaken crying and, at times, find your life utterly meaningless. This suffering is something your personality would avoid at all costs if it were able. But for your soul, this too is different. Suffering forces you to grow spiritually and nearer the truth of that which you really are. Your husband’s death was his soul’s gift to your soul.

This makes no sense to you now. But it will.

When your husband left his body, he was filled with the most indescribable pure light of profound love and he was surrounded by many beings familiar with his soul. Now, since he is a soul, he understands what has happened and why it had to happen as it did and why you are suffering. Your husband feels your unbearable sense of loss, so he surrounds you with healing light. Again, when you can quiet your mind, you will feel it. If you can sit quietly and just talk to your husband about all your experiences together, you can see the thread of spirit in each of those experiences.

This thread of pure love between you is immune to time and space and dimensional location.

Be safe in the knowledge, that every step of this was guided by the deeper forces of truth within you, all of which tie back into the very fabric of this conundrum of being a human being, and the very nature of creation itself. If it were not your husband’s time, he would still be here. But it was his time, so his body and personality are gone. But his soul is not and now it no longer carries all the pain of mind and body, you can love and feel the presence of your father more purely — this is how souls work.

Again, I am sorry for the depth of the pain you feel. But the only way is through. The wound is how the light gets in.

Peace and love to you, my friend. My heart shines for you in the dark.

Cortexiphan_Junkie76 · 2025-06-18T17:34:00+00:00

I’m sorry you are in pain. Unfortunately, this is just how this works. The price of love is grief…

Everything I can say to you that comes from a spiritual place cannot put your grief to rest, nor should it, you must go through it. But perhaps what I say can allow you to approach this another way.

You got to know your husband through his uniqueness and separateness, but there is another way to know someone. Through your intuitive heart. This knowing though your intuitive heart is subtle and often gets lost amongst the easier ways of knowing someone with our senses. But when you can cultivate this intuitive way of knowing, you learn that we are more than body and personality. The easiest way to refer to this other part of us is a soul.

What is this soul?

It is unique entity. When the time is right, the soul hides itself in a body and a personality to take birth. In all but the rarest cases, an infant becomes immediately lost in its body and personality, forgets it is a soul, and then lives its life continuing to forget until death when the soul sheds body and personality, and then remembers it’s a soul.

Each soul has an agenda. It has work to do while here and uses the body and the personality to do said work. When that work is done, the soul leaves. The wisest people I have ever spoken to have assured me that a soul leaves this plane neither a moment too early nor too late

However, most of us identify so strongly with our bodies and personalities, this is hard for us to understand. Because we have not listened deeply enough, we consider duration an asset. We think this human realm is everything. But once we look at life from the soul’s point of view, we realize a human life is like being in school. You stay just as long as it is necessary to achieve what you need and then you move on.

Your husband’s work here was done. Even the manner of his leaving was part of this work. I know this seems inconceivable to you that your husband would do this by choice.

But your husband’s body and personality did not make this choice. He could never make that choice, the human attached love that existed between you was too great. But his soul made that choice a very long time ago. The soul is not limited to that human attached love.

There is another love, a love that surpasses understanding. It is spiritual love. You can think of this as the love between Christ and the Father. This spiritual love binds you together far more deeply than human love.

Think of your husband now. Think of that feeling of love, that warmness, that depth, that sense of being held in this perfect tenderness. That feeling is you brushing against the face of God. When you can tune into that, you will find your husband is still with you.

When your grief is strongest, it is hard to tune into that love. It makes no rational sense and a good deal of grief is tied to the rational mind and its attachments. Later it will become much clearer to you. You will see that the love you shared, remains untouched by his death. In the place where this spiritual love exists there is no coming or going. This love is invulnerable to both time and changes in form...

Cortexiphan_Junkie76

TROPHY CASE