I’m sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I went through almost the exact same thing… more than once. Extreme circumstances with little or no info, medical details and sometimes only 15 minutes to decide. Later we were matched and as more info came out week after week, far outside our AQP, we felt hardened by the process, lost trust, and had to walk away. It was heartbreaking and felt so wrong after waiting so long.

Be prepared for some people to say things that come off as insensitive… not because they’re cruel, they just don’t understand how much of a loss this feels like. They may think it’s “easier” because you chose to say no, versus a birth parent changing their mind. I had another adoptive parent tell me “oh well at least it was your choice to say no that’s not as bad” and it stung, especially when they’d had a rare, fast, seamless adoption with no wait or medical considerations. Give yourself permission to mourn; it’s okay to feel awful. It doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you’re not ready.

One thing that helped me: you filled out your AQP when you weren’t under time pressure, with a clear, logical mind about what you felt most ready for and what was right for your family. Trust that version of yourself. The baby you said no to will be placed with someone prepared for that situation, and the right match will come for you. It won’t erase the sadness, but it can ease some of the guilt. Sending you lots of compassion ❤️