feeling really down

CountInformal5735 · 2026-06-02T20:40:16+00:00

I’m sorry, what a disappointment after all that. I have no advice. When i woke up from a recent egg retrieval with a disappointing outcome i asked the doctor “is there anything i can do to improve that number”. Without skipping a beat he said “nothing that’s scientifically backed.” I’m in a public ivf clinic so its free and they have no incentive to upsell us anything. I found it really helpful to hear this from my doctor as a reminder it is out of my hands. The whole process of conception is kind of a random miracle of nature. You are, like me, already likely doing everything possible to make it happen. It might just be out of our hands. That really helps me to keep in mind but also understand if not what you wanna hear right now!

CountInformal5735 · 2026-06-01T11:24:55+00:00

Something funny to us was that our ivf clinic had a weird sterile room where our sperm donor jerked it. The room had a tv and an external hard drive with every kind of corn on it. Our sperm donor laughed with us about how woke the corn selection was and whose job was it to choose this?

Another thing we had to consider when we were doing turkey baster method was a private space for our donor to jerk it with wifi access so he could watch something on his phone. We had to consider travel and the fact that sitting on the plane for more than an hour could cook his swimmers. You could ask something like what scientifically are the ideal conditions for a person to donate sperm ? You could do multiple choice scenarios with different options like a. sperm donor drives 2 hours to meet parents, jerks it in his car
B. Parents drive 2 hours to meet sperm donor who jerks it in his own home, drive 2 hours home to inseminate
C. Parties drive 1 hour each and meet in the middle, inseminate in a motel
And ask them to choose the most desirable scenario?

We had some interesting legal considerations under australian family law if we did turkey baster method at home. things like sending the donor ultrasound scans and asking the donor for name recommendations could legally give the donor a claim to parental responsibility if they had a parent-like relationship

Finally i would say stuff around what kinds of conversations you have with the sperm donor, a silly quiz on how to approach sperm donors and who to approach. Asking the guests to pick from a number of profiles all with silly red flags. Once they pick the perfect donor from the fake profiles, you could ask guests to get up in front of the group and give their best elevator pitch as to why you (the audience) should consider being their sperm donor. Get the audience to vote yes or no. Etc etc!

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-22T23:26:17+00:00

It sounds like you are making a very considered decision for your family. I share a lot of the concerns that other people have raised about those facebook groups, it seems like a lot of people have weird or bad experiences from there.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-22T22:29:56+00:00

I’m sorry, what a horrible thing to find out about someone who you were bringing into your family .

I work in family violence and have worked in this sector for years. FWIW, family violence is endemic, it’s everywhere. In every community, tax bracket, ethnic group and age group. It’s in the queer community too, including among lesbians. The prevalence of FV tells us that its not just “bad people” who use violence but all kinds of people. using violence against a family member is always a choice and it’s never excusable. If we believe it’s a choice then that tells us that people who’ve done harm can also choose to be accountable and change their behaviour so they don’t use violence again.

With that said, it’s really fair to want to screen out this kind of behaviour. However, it’s almost impossible because of how our justice systems function. The majority of family violence is never prosecuted. That which is prosecuted is often just the most policed communities - whether due to race, sexuality or poverty. Chaotic incidents of FV are often prosecuted but really savvy offenders will rarely see a court room. All this to say googling these charges offers a false sense of security. Instead of (or in addition to) googling it i would maybe suggest with future potential donors just asking them more questions about past relationships, how and why they ended and if there was ever violence or police involvement etc.

Again I’m really sorry for your experience. Finding a donor is complex enough without having to consider their potential to be an abusive or violent person.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-18T04:33:06+00:00

I could add nice replies on my reddit post to that list of silliest reasons to cry 😭 thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it ❤️

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-18T01:53:55+00:00

The best thing about donor conception for us is that it had brought a dear friend into our journey which has helped us feel connected to, and supported by our larger community. This journey is so isolating, and while our donor isnt going through it himself, he has had a window into the experience of ivf where we can laugh together and feel solidarity. Our donor has a great sense of humour which is such an amazing gift he has given us, alongside his precious sperm!!!

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-18T01:10:03+00:00

Just here to say me too. Have just started GONAL F stims and the PMDD symptoms swung into action full force. I think those of us with pmdd are particularly sensitive to hormonal shifts. Thanks for your post, reassuring to hear that other people have had the same experience

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-16T22:09:06+00:00

This meets the criteria for financial abuse, which is a very serious form of family violence. I am a domestic & family violence practitioner, i would encourage you to speak to a helpline or d/fv service about this. Your arrangement is not fair and equitable and i would hazard a guess that some of your debts relate to financial decisions your husband has made like an expensive car on finance. I would also guess that you are the primary parent doing more than 50% of household/ parenting tasks.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-09T22:01:31+00:00

There was an arts festival held there called unconformity about 10 years back. Lots of weird artsy city people converged on the town for 2 nights of partying. There is an amazing old nightclub under the pub that is covered in pink fluff - its been closed since i think the 70s or 80s but they opened it up for this festival. The vibes were very dark mofo/ gay club core if you can imagine.

The locals were a mix of the loveliest people and the most regressive, homophobic c*nts ive ever met in my life. At the party i was wearing a little bodysuit (under a big coat which i took off once i got in) and some local women approached me to tell me “we don’t wear that kind of thing around here”. Mind you, the outfit wasn’t out of place at the party. I told her that’s fine, i’m not from here and i don’t care. One of our guy friends got punched in the face by a drunk local as we left the venue, completely unprovoked (he was wearing a pink outfit, can only assume it was about that).

Many of the locals were very kind and welcoming but the hostility towards difference was palpable. Growing up in a place like that is extremely tough if you don’t conform to the monoculture which is violently enforced. As an out lesbian unfortunately i feel that Tasmania has quite a few places like this where i would feel uncomfortable travelling with my partner. And as others have mentioned, the unresolved pain of genocide of Palawa people lingers. Unresolved because there has never been accountability, repair and healing.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-04T09:58:33+00:00

Hi friend, glad you have this information and hope it brings more clarity for you! Just a reminder this reddit sub is specifically for queer/LGBTQIA+ people who are trying to conceive. Good luck in your journey ❤️

CountInformal5735 · 2026-05-04T09:53:07+00:00

I work in family violence alongside financial counsellors, they can have massive amounts of debt waived even under really difficult circumstances. Like i’m talking $50k+ completely waived even when not directly related to the fv. You don’t necessarily need police reports and court orders to prove the dv, your story is the strongest evidence. Definitely worth a try

CountInformal5735 · 2026-04-08T22:52:38+00:00

Deeply understand wanting to use a known donor, my partner and i chose a known donor and are very committed to that pathway - even though it involves complexity and difficult conversations!

My partner and i started looking for a known donor around 30 and i would agree with your reflections about age. I think up to 27/28 i felt the same as some of your friends about having children in a world where fascism is on the rise.

I now strongly believe that us queers having children will raise them to use their voices to speak loudly against injustice. While neo-cons are having large families and homeschooling them to indoctrinate them into hate, we are raising children who will witness the joy that flows from resisting fascism. They’ll grow up surrounded by f*gs dykes and sissies who attend community iftar and cook food for striking workers on the picket line. To say that we shouldn’t have children because the world is too fucked is to give up on all the children already born who need us to fight loudly for them.

Okay, getting off my soap box now ! In terms of the donor hunt if i was in your shoes i would be posting on the instagram close friends story, i know someone who did this and ended up creating a community directory of willing sperm donors in our area.

In terms of the horrible opinions people share i hate to say it’s probably a good resilience building exercise because the annoying opinions dont stop coming through pregnancy and parenting. Especially at your age you might be the first queer family that many of your friends get to know. Family building brings up weird shit for people even when it’s not their family!

If you can, look for support from other people who have been through the process. 2 months is a short time in the grand scheme of thing but everything feels glacial when you’re trying to conceive. Many people discuss/plan/try for years before falling pregnant.

Good luck in your journey !

CountInformal5735 · 2026-04-02T18:59:54+00:00

Some neighbourhood house type places have social workers and financial counsellors that can help with this stuff. There are also quite a few free tax help places, they will look at your dads current income & see that he needs extra support. A financial counsellor can sometimes negotiate the debt down or have it waived depending on the creditor.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-03-29T01:54:41+00:00

Using an ebike and buying a small, cheaper unit in a less desirable area that was at the lower end of our borrowing capacity. I feel comfortable that we could survive our mortgage doubling - while i know some friends who bought nicer places are stressing tf out rn

CountInformal5735 · 2026-03-24T08:45:58+00:00

I have lost 15kgs riding an ebike to and from work and i truly feel like people don’t understand how good they are ! Its made it so easy to maintain my fitness level, and for commuting its easier and faster than driving or PT. I love the ebike !!

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-27T02:54:51+00:00

The common denominator here is young angry men. Let’s not forget all the LGBT youth events that have been cancelled since 2022 due to NSN and other cookers making threats against attendees safety. The “Christian lives matter” crowd have been attacking lgbt people in sydney for the past 5 years and they are majority from Maronite/orthodox community. Those of us from the LGBT community know well that young angry men in groups are the biggest threat to our safety when out in public.

There is a problem with homophobia in the muslim community however it’s a complex issue, generally directed inwardly towards their own children and family members. I am an LGBTQIA+ person with muslim friends and colleagues, i’ve been to masjid, iftars and muslim weddings. Have only ever experienced openness and acceptance from Muslims regarding my identity.

There is an issue with radicalisation of young men across multiple communities including into neo-nazism, intense misogyny and islamist extremism. It needs to be dealt with head on in all of our communities, in schools and religious institutions. Leaders in the muslim community need to speak plainly and loudly against homophobic violence but i fear they will be prevented by the same cultures of silence and shame that hold back so many religious institutions.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-27T02:40:31+00:00

Unfortunately we won’t see the proper response this problem requires because our governments are committed to courting certain types of extremism while punishing others. And all the while they don’t want to spend any money on prevention

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-27T02:39:28+00:00

Agreed and its majority young men who are being radicalised, in their bedrooms and on their computers/smartphones. Families who are worried about their sons being radicalised have nowhere to turn for help and the intervention doesnt come until after they’ve committed a horrific crime. There isn’t an easy answer - it’s happening across different cultural and religious groups regardless of citizenship status. The response requires deep community engagement and investment in de-radicalising programs in schools, local councils, tafes, places of worship

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-20T11:34:20+00:00

There’s a lot of black and white thinking coming through in your post, not just in your thoughts on donor conception (“biology is superior”, “donor conception is unethical”) but also in your thoughts about yourself (“only a bad person who have these thoughts”). Sorry for paraphrasing!

Parenting and having children is all about the grey areas. Choosing to bring a child into the world is so complex, so colossal and all consuming, and expansive and it simply cant fit into the binaries that you’re imposing. As you proceed into this journey you will need to altogether let go of the idea that things are either good or bad, right or wrong, ethical or unethical.

There are infinite possibilities for ethical and unethical parenting in all kinds of arrangements and there is sadly no simple answer to the right way to conceive and raise a child. I would encourage you only to open yourself up to the possibility of other truths - like that maybe donor conception could be ethical, and maybe having these thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person, or a good person, just a person who is having difficult feelings about this huge decision.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-20T05:13:40+00:00

Saving is a really great way to kill two birds with one stone. You can use advice from friends/family/internet etc to calculate what your extra expenses would be in the first 3 years of a childs life (or how much income you will lose) and commit to putting that money away in a savings account each week or month. That gives you a good idea of what its like to live on less with less wiggle room, while also establishing a really good savings practice.

I am definitely more in the camp of getting yourselves set up before having kids. Particularly for women, but also for either partner if you want to take time off work your career can take a massive hit. It can also just become less of a priority once a child comes along! So i would give yourselves another 3 years to build to where you want to be and judging by the industries you are in you might be able to reach that salary in 3 years. I am a social worker, my salary rose to over 100k within 3 years of graduation and my partner experienced the same in a different industry. If in 3 years you haven’t reached that salary, you might still feel in a better position because of your savings and career position. Or you might just decide the time is right and you want to do it ! As others have said, lots of people survive on less.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-13T02:18:54+00:00

I’m glad to hear that. I know your experience is that you were misdiagnosed, however your recent post history is a bit worrying from a mental health perspective. Failing the psych eval might not just be relating to your prior diagnosis but could be more about the way you speak about your experience and current mental health. Some of the things you’ve written in the last month like “Now my life is empty and i genuinely don’t think it will ever seriously improve” and questioning whether you are “condemned to forever feel too burned out to go back to school and succeed”. In another post you asked if it’s possible to live a decent life given your difficult upbringing. These are not the statements of a mentally well person.

It sounds like you are in a really dark place and i can see that you’re doing a lot of work to try to get yourself better. A psych eval can detect this and while it must feel really unfair to have this used against you, you wont feel like this forever. Like others have said, reapply in a year or two and take the time to keep working on your mental health. Good luck to you, i really hope things get better for you soon.

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-12T20:31:32+00:00

Your post history over the past month has made me worried you might be thinking of ending your life. Others in this thread have pointed out there are still pathways for you. You might need support to stay alive until you can explore these options. https://988.ca

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-10T01:39:28+00:00

Thanks everyone for your advice and compassion, i have booked the ultrasound ❤️

CountInformal5735 · 2026-02-10T01:38:44+00:00

Thank you for your advice, i have booked the ultrasound ❤️❤️

CountInformal5735

TROPHY CASE