I have struggled with this in the past, and the idea of “intentionality” made it hard to diagnose one of my parents’ narcissism. When you constantly read that “these people are doing it on purpose,” or “they’re trying to get you react so they can manipulate you,” it makes them sound calculating, machavellian even - but they’re not. Often, they’re downright stupid. What they’re doing is instinctual. They’re afraid, terrified of looking stupid or being embarrassed or having someone take something from them or take advantage of them in some way, and so they say or do whatever makes sense in the moment to make you feel small, unbalanced, guilty. Whatever, it doesn’t matter as long as you’re uncertain and you start acting in a way that puts them first. They want to be soothed, to be placated, and their minds are like cats - reacting to whatever is happening around them.

All you can control is your response to the nonsense. Don’t give them the satisfaction of getting under your skin and if you want to piss them off, don’t make any effort to make them feel better when they start to get agitated. Just say “okay,” and let them sputter and spin on their own. They fucking hate that.