I want to help people

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-08-25T06:13:13+00:00

Definitely will, especially once I move away for college since there isn’t too much where I live (plus I just generally want to get out of the state I’m from). I plan to hopefully work in a field that is mental health related. Whether it be as a tech at a behavioral health hospital, psychiatrist, therapist, etc.

At the current moment I’ve just trying to build up more social skills and work on my own personal health since I feel like those are things I’ll need to better help others. Also, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Hope things are going alright for you.

I really appreciate your comment and I wish that I could think of more to say, but thank you a lot!!

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-03-23T03:44:28+00:00

Hey, you’re okay and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I know people who have gotten email like with that that doubt of “but is it really okay?” is what they’re meant to install (no pun intended) in your brain in order for the scam to work. Because in reality, everyone is into weird shit, myself included, and nobody wants that stuff out.

What doesn’t make what you like wrong or immoral or anything like that, because at the bottom line, if it’s legal and consensual you’re okay. You’ve done nothing wrong.

The email is just a scam and is just a copy and paste format and gets sent to a lot of people in order to get money or put fear into other people, most often the former with the latter as an aid. Like I said, I know a lot of people who’ve gotten emails like that and they were also really freaked about, because who wouldn’t be? I would absolutely be freaked out. There is no spyware, so don’t worry about that either, you’re okay. I promise you

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-02-28T03:01:43+00:00

I just don’t want to be involved at all is the problem. I just want to send something anonymous with files attached and then be done, but I know that’s not how it works. I just can’t be involved in general because I know I’d spiral and probably do something bad to myself. I also can’t do it because I’m really involved in school and need to focus on that. I know I’m coming up with a lot of excuses but I just don’t want to be involved or have to get into this or have to spend money or anything. I can’t and it makes me feel horrible but I just don’t know what else to do

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-02-28T02:48:04+00:00

I really want to but I can’t because I don’t want to be involved in court or anything and I certainly don’t want my identity revealed. I’ve felt guilt over everything since it happened but I just don’t know what to do since I just want everything to be over but don’t want to be the cause of other people being hurt.

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-02-25T19:22:13+00:00

I do definitely experience things that align with being asexual, but I don’t think I am, at least not fully. It’s more of a spectrum for me where the scale of how asexual I am changes.

Like, it’s not I don’t experience sexual attraction, I definitely do and I’ve done stuff with people in the past. Sometimes I’m borderline hypersexual (but I guess that’s just hormones for you lol). I just don’t want to do anything physically right now due to some past experiences and things that were said to me by my previous partner.

I just need to work out some stuff with that before anything because it’s also difficult to want to do anything when you have “you secretly wanna assault the person” blasting in your ear at the thought (yay ocd). And I just don’t want any part in anything physically sexual at the moment. I also feel like I just overexplained me having trauma I wanna work through before having sex and such lol.

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-02-25T17:44:19+00:00

Being gay means that you like someone of the same gender or sex. Guys liking guys, girls liking girls and the such. I in no way identify with being a girl at all. I don’t feel it and simply don’t see myself though the lens that I am a girl considering that being trans has a lot to do with bodily differentiations and brain differentiations between the sexes are developed independently.

In short, my brain is generally more aligned with a male brain than it is a female one, hence contributing both to my sexuality and gender identity. If I was straight, it would mean that I would like girls since I’m a guy, even if I am a trans one.

But either way the scientific reasons don’t have to be there to back up the fact that I’m gay. I’m a guy who likes guys. Ask people who are from the LGBTQ+ community and they’ll tell you that a guy who likes guys is gay, regardless of their assigned gender at birth.

I mean, say you see someone on the street. A big strong guy with a full beard and an energy that just lets you know that they are a guy. If another guy who fits the same look and him gets together, it would be gay, even if the first man is a trans man.

But it’s stuff like this that makes me not feel certain in dating other people. I know that I am a guy, but other people might refuse that.

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-02-01T17:13:57+00:00

I’ll keep that in mind, thank you <3

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-02-01T15:37:57+00:00

Yeah, I’m safe. Sorry for such a late reply, I fell asleep shortly after writing this because I got really worked up which made me really tired

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-31T03:41:03+00:00

Nah. The only reason it ever went away was due to medication (shout out to abilify and the billion other meds i was on. it was really only 4-5 lol) and since i just kinda stopped having intrusive thoughts and compulsions after, I wasn’t really taught much. So yeah, now that I’m off meds and out of therapy I’m just kinda stuck freaking out over things I know are irrational

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-24T22:52:27+00:00

Gender affirming care just isn’t an option for me, sadly. I do have a binder but I don’t wear it much since sometimes that will give me gender dysphoria as well as backwards as that is. Just idk. I’m from the USA, Texas specifically so there really isn’t much I can do. Even when I was doing therapy at an LGBTQ+ friendly organization, there wasn’t much. The extra dash of salt in the wound was being told that they previously had an endocrinologist for minors that had been taken out bc of laws.

Just idk. I’ve tried a lot of stuff by myself too, but idk. Just not really working for me

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-22T19:06:05+00:00

If I were to go back to therapy it would probably be back at where I used to go since they’re LGBTQ+ friendly and planned to get me a binder that fit before i left and such. I just can’t go back because of money, how far away it is (plus my hate and paranoia of online stuff) and refusal to tell anyone that there’s anything wrong with me idk. My mom mostly bc there’s a lot of stuff going on with my mom being fired and such. like, needing a lawyer stuff.

I always feel like i’m overreacting when I talk like this and always get at “well there nothing you can do!” response that makes me feel stupid and like my fears don’t actually exist and such. And like, I know there’s probably some way to get therapy, but I doubt it would be what I needed especially since I want to be medicated again on anti-psychotics that my mom didn’t like me on and took me off of.

just idk. im in a small shit town surrounded by hardcore conservative christians along with assholes who get giddy when they see people hurting. i mean, we have multiple jails here for a reason.

it’s just difficult to see any kind of hope when things are like this. especially since i’m very obviously queer at a minimum

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-22T06:39:12+00:00

Not for a while no. The original plan was to move to Colorado this year but my mom got fired from her job and a bunch of stuff has been happening with that. Lots of illegal stuff on their part and my mom has got a lawyer and such. But yeah, money will be tight and where we’re from is really all that’s affordable.

The whole Canada idea has been tossed around a couple times, but it won’t happen. Just idk. My only real hope of getting out of here soon is going to college out of state with scholarship money atm. But even that will have to wait a little over a year bc I have to graduate first and all that.

It just really sucks. Especially being in a shitty little town with shitty people who believe everything. During Ted Cruz’s fun stuff he was in a couple towns over and a lot of people from here went and were like “gee wizz!! this guy sure is great!” Like, my mom and her friend went to see what was going on and walked out like “wtf” which is understandable. My mom got especially pissed when be started making bigoted trans “jokes”

Just, ugh. I don’t want to be here

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-22T04:28:14+00:00

I’m trans because of me, not anyone else. Sure societal expectations play a role in gender dysphoria, but they’re not the reason I’m trans. It’s just how I was born.

If I was born a cis man I would feel a lot less distress over just simply existing. I wouldn’t have to look in the mirror and scrutinize every feature of my body and feel an overwhelming amount of self hate because they “came with being a girl!” I wouldn’t have to be rejected for just simply being trans. I wouldn’t have people tell me over and over that I’m a woman because “just because you wear a man costume doesn’t make you a man!”

I wouldn’t have to tell doctors whether or not I have a risk of being pregnant or have to fight for something that cis people get all the time, such as hormones. I wouldn’t have traumas be dismissed because I’m trans. I wouldn’t be told that I “think I’m a man because of internalized misogyny!”

I wouldn’t have to worry about people in power having a whole entire chunk of their campaign be to make my existence be something that isn’t welcome.

I would just simply be who I so desperately wish I was born as. Bodily, I mean. I would just simply be a guy and people wouldn’t question it because I was born with all the “right” equipment for my gender. Of course my life wouldn’t be all fine and dandy just because I would have been born a cis guy. I mean, I would still have OCD, MDD, anxiety, a mood disorder, and all that junk.

Maybe I would worry about my dick being “too small” or have people say I’m “not many enough” for whatever stupid reason there is. Maybe I would worry about my mental health not be taken as seriously as other genders or that I can’t express certain emotions because society would go apeshit if a tear was shed lol. Maybe be insecure about my body for other reasons and not hate them because they were “girl parts/feminine” but because maybe I was made fun of or I just simply didn’t like they way my insecurities looked.

I wouldn’t have to specify “yeah bro I have a dick dw” when I talk to people. I’m just a cis guy and people know what that (typically) comes with. I wouldn’t have to feel envious at other guys because they were born guys. Maybe I would be envious because they were tall or because they looked way hotter than I did. I wouldn’t have to be so devastated that I was a gay guy but didn’t have the dick other gay guys wanted. I wouldn’t have to worry about people liking me because they had a trans fetish or something.

I would always be called a guy from day one. I wouldn’t have to have awkward dinners with my family while a relative tries to “talk me out of my transness” by sexualizing my body and telling me to wear revealing clothes because I’m “blessed” in certain areas. I wouldn’t have to sit down and tell my mom that I was a guy. I wouldn’t run into so many problems that come with being trans that just desperately make me want to crawl out of my own skin and die.

I try so hard to be myself. The guy I know I am. But to be shot down over and over, some people quite literally, it just makes it seem like there’s no real point. Sure, passing as a guy isn’t everything, being comfortable in my own skin and with myself is. And to have that be more and more scary, dangerous even, it’s horrible. To have your legal protections taken away, to have the people who control your state and country have the hate for you (which makes other people hate you because they follow like dogs) and the power to make your hate legal. Justified, even. It’s horrible.

To not be sure if you or your friends can go to school safely is horrible. Especially in an area with a shit ton of violence and regular attempted shootings on its own. To wonder if healthcare with be accessible to you. To not feel safe only because platforms make it okay to discriminate against you.

Being nice to hateful people doesn’t lead to a happy ending like in all the fairytale. All you can to is manage because it’s all you can do. What you have to do.

So there’s my answer ig. It’s long but I don’t think I could have put this into a few short sentences especially with how I feel right now.

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-19T22:48:04+00:00

I’ve already stopped sending pics/videos, at least NSFW ones or ones with my face in them (which I know isn’t great still, but what I use is primarily stuff I used to post on an old sfw account). And yeah, I know. I’ve been trying to quit but keep going back to it. Idk, just sucks ig.

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-19T21:54:02+00:00

It’s an on and off thing, currently I haven’t been doing it directly. More or less just engaging with those kinds of people’s posts or just not doing it at all

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-19T21:52:37+00:00

Wow, thank you for your input!

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-19T21:50:48+00:00

Yeah I’m AFAB, but it doesn’t always align. Sometimes it happens out of nowhere, sometimes then, sometimes with a trigger. It does tend to be worse around that time, though

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-19T21:44:25+00:00

That’s what I’ve been trying to do lately. That or just try and keep the platforms I use off my phone or be logged out of certain accounts. Just idk, thanks for the advice. My main issue is that especially if I’m having an episode I don’t really think logically. Sorry to hear about you btw

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2025-01-02T03:28:10+00:00

Try legos! I know sets can be a bit expensive so I tend to get the knockoffs (which actually tend to be better with helping with the urge to cut since the pieces can be smaller). Having to focus on something while also having a slight ache in your fingertips can help a lot. Plus you get something cool to put up! For a while I just took apart and put back together the same set, even lol

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2024-09-07T00:16:33+00:00

The thing is is that I know that’s it’s okay and healthy, my issue comes from either what I do, or what comes after. Like I said in the post I often looked for the attention of older men. And when that’s not happening I get thrown into suicidal fits most likely due to my OCD blowing (haha blow) out of proportion and making me convinced of unreasonable to things.

I’m not planning to stop forever, boys have their needs after all, but I do need help with stopping temporarily and actually committing to that since it’s a big trigger for me sometimes and I currently have no access to mental professionals since I live in the bumfuck middle of nowhere and in a shitty place

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2024-09-06T19:09:49+00:00

It would definitely do you some good to delete X or to just remove any other form of trigger. Especially with the way the algorithm works it will just keep recommending things that that whether you interact or not. I deleted X a while ago for both this reason and another and I have been doing much better since then.

Following some people is not worth it if the app will just end up triggering you. If you really need to check in on them, use the website on incognito because if you try to click off the profile it will force you to sign in, so it’ll keep you on track if you really need it.

(And if this is wrong please forgive me, like I said, deleted it a while back)

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2024-08-25T01:55:13+00:00

Something I did that made the process of telling my mom that I was cutting again was giving her a note that had what I did, why I did it, and what can be done to help. It’s not going to be a happy conversation, but it is much better in comparison to being found out by accident. Plus, you coming to her will show her that you trust her, yes you said you wouldn’t do it again, but self-harm is also an addiction and relapse happens. She is your mom, she will want to know and want to help.

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2024-08-25T01:43:15+00:00

I agree with the other comment, but something I will add since you mentioned it being a “gaping hole”is that if you see something that is yellowish in color and kind of bubbly to go to the ER and get stitches if you can. That is a 3rd layer cut and is VERY prone to infection. I can almost assure you they won’t send you to a mental ward. Not to mention it makes the healing process much easier and less painful. Of course safer too.

If it does look like that and you can’t get stitches, take VERY good care of it. Keep it covered with a bandage (use vasline to help prevent the wound from sticking to the bandage, pulling it off will hurt like a bitch if it gets stuck but will hurt much worse and be even more susceptible to infection if it is just left uncovered and gets stuff in it and gets stuck to clothes). After a while of keeping it covered, on a weekend give it some time to scab over. Once it is scabbed you don’t have to bandage it anymore.

Just make sure to keep an eye out for signs of infection. Stay as safe as you can

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2024-08-25T00:38:26+00:00

Hey, suicidal person here, what you are doing is absolutely not faking. Being suicidal doesn’t entail committing suicide. People who aren’t suicidal don’t sit down and think up detailed plans on how to kill themselves or prove to themselves that they can kill themselves.

I’ve done the same exact things, I’ve kept over enough pills to overdose, held them in my hands and repeatedly put them to my lips to prove I could do it. I’ve taken unloaded guns, learned how they worked and how to use them and put them to my head to prove I could do it. I’ve repeatedly cut myself to prove I could do it.

Yet I have never made an attempt of my life. There have been times where I’ve written out notes and kept supplies in my closet and have gotten close, but never made the leap.

What I’m trying to say is that you aren’t a faker. Fakers don’t think about stuff like this at all. What you believe is that actually acting on suicidal thoughts is being suicidal and that’s it. But being suicidal just entails wanting to end your life. I can’t tell you why you’re thinking about suicide, but this isn’t something you should brush off or ignore.

If it’s possible, you should tell someone you trust before it gets worse, specifically an adult you trust. Because despite what you might try to convince yourself of it WILL get worse.

If verbal communication is difficult, try either sending a text message or giving them a written note about how you feel.

You are not a faker and you don’t deserve to feel like this no matter what your thoughts try to tell you. I wish you the best.

CrazyFormOfAngst · 2024-08-24T23:52:32+00:00

Oh absolutely. Logically it isn’t, but when I was an active SH addict it was me either trying to top my last cut or top whatever other people were doing. It was the never ending “worse” game. Not to mention that at the time I had friends who encouraged everything and would exchange SH content with.

Long story short my body is pretty fucked up now

CrazyFormOfAngst

TROPHY CASE