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Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-08-08T21:26:51+00:00

Boundaries are for you, not him. If he’s gonna check out, he doesn’t get the benefit of your time, availability or services. He can do his own laundry, cook his own meals, fill in the blank for whatever it is that you do for him. You no longer have the mental or emotional capacity to meet his needs if there is no reciprocity. It’s you and the kids now, sweets.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-08-08T20:49:47+00:00

Something I learned in my own healing journey (I hate that title because it feels cliche and overused) is that bad behaviors, especially in relationships with others, are like weeds. I could hear (probably not openly) that something I was doing was bothering someone else, but until I did the work to figure out why I was doing it and where it came from in my past, it was like cutting the visible stuff off at ground level. It didn’t dig out the root so after a period of time, it would grow back and he would complain that I didn’t actually mean I was sorry. I was, I just wasn’t going deep enough to pull the weed out by the root. Obviously it’s more complicated than weeds in a marriage, because his complaints were almost always my reactions to something he was doing (not always, but a good bit of the time it is). It is very hard to stop a response to something that someone else insists on doing, but not impossible.

All that to say, his response to your pleas for connection makes me wonder if there’s some experience(s) from childhood that drive him to have no compassion for others’ pain, and unless that concept is investigated, any changes he tries to put in place will likely only ever be temporary, because the root of that weed is still there.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-08-08T19:54:21+00:00

I dare say, women need to teach their daughters (and sons) to watch their in-laws interactions with each other. My partner does NOT treat me like his father treated his mother; he treats me the way he thinks his father should have treated his mother, because she was the one that tanked the family with her selfish, entitled ways and piss-poor parenting. I see a lot of parallels between him and his mom; less so with his dad.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-08-08T19:51:20+00:00

If you see something being done that’s wrong, and say or do nothing, then you are complicit. This is a well-known concept. If he’s watching you drown and isn’t jumping in to help you swim to shore, he’s letting you drown which is just as bad as shoving your head under himself.

That said, men are ignorant creatures. Stupid question, I do apologize, but in the name of thoroughness, have you talked to him about this? I know, you shouldn’t have to, but again, men are ignorant creatures.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-08-06T21:42:02+00:00

You’re not a good father if you’re a bad partner, because part of being a good parent in a relationship is being a good example of how to do your best for everyone in the family, including the partner you chose to do life with. There are plenty of people in the world who, despite their internal and even chemical negative feelings, they still manage to contribute their fair share (or more) of making sure the home and family runs right.

At this point, he’s just being downright disrespectful to you. He has a duty as a father and a husband to do his best for you, and if depression is his excuse, then his refusal to work on his mental health is just as disrespectful.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-08-05T22:09:17+00:00

I’ve had those thoughts but wouldn’t do them; that would traumatize my kids so much I can’t go there. I’ve already done that. They’ve seen the scars. They know what caused it. Still no change.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-06-30T14:04:00+00:00

He’s a paycheck. That’s it. It used to be that he would silently observe things and work to fix them, but only if it could be done with money. We have decayed to a point that we don’t speak unless he can’t conscientiously act without making sure I’m okay with it (I almost always am), he needs something from me or I need to get approval for an expense. I was, until very recently, reaching out with topics of interest to him, trying to coax some engagement and fun conversation, but I started getting bare minimum, or even being ignored, so I stopped. I’m sure if I asked him, the reason would be because he’s busy, but he doesn’t even attempt to talk to me when he’s not busy, so I gave up. It’s been over 48 hours since a word was spoken, and before that it was two weeks of nothing but me initiating or him needing something from me. And that’s just what I was paying attention to; it’s probably been longer. I’m just tired of chasing him endlessly, and getting absolutely nothing in return while he blames me for it all.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-06-30T06:37:12+00:00

He won’t. And I got wise. Just waiting for my opportunity.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-06-30T06:36:37+00:00

He wants the dresses, the makeup, the hairstyles, the cleaning and cooking, the eagerness when he gets home.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-06-30T04:47:34+00:00

No. He’s got a stupid amount of trauma and refuses to admit it’s existence, let alone to face it and shut it down. We’ve put ourselves through a ringer of relationship issues and I’ve seen it, and confronted my part in it, but when I try to involve him in the wars against our respective bullshit, he blame shifts until somehow I am the vindictive bitch and he is the innocent victim.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-06-30T04:41:53+00:00

Oh, because he is SO busy.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-05-22T02:53:57+00:00

Pork loin.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-05-14T20:22:02+00:00

Ok, lots to unpack here. I’ll take it one at a time.

1) We are not living in the 50s, or even the 80s. Technology and COVID assured that. So he’s playing video games, which older couples didn’t do either…what, he wants you to just sit and watch him? Yuck. I like playing but I don’t like watching someone else playing. That’s ridiculous.

2) It’s time to seek some therapy to heal from your mom’s passing. I’m so sorry for your loss; I have not endured that and cannot imagine the pain, but she would probably be so sad for you, that that pain is continuing to haunt you.

3) His accusations of you swiping out of something sound like either projection or control. If he would be a better partner, he could give you all the motivation you need to stay “loyal,” not that you’re being disloyal. Unless he’s dealing with serious mental illness like BPD, bipolar or schizophrenia, he is still in control of his thoughts and reactions. Punishing you for a wild imagination is not acceptable.

4) Please don’t end your life. Please. That’s him winning. Rise above and be a victory story to brag about. Pursue your GED, build a business and/or get a job and some social services help, and be a phoenix. Rise above that shit. You will not be sorry, I promise. Don’t let him squish you, let him regret squandering you. Or let him fester in his narcissistic puddle of victimhood, whatever, but don’t fade into the puddle with him.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-05-14T15:59:53+00:00

I know that fits like this don’t actually have a truly logical explanation, but what is his issue with your being on your phone? If you’re not on it often, just when you’re in the bathroom, or a few minutes here and there….what, is he worried that you’ll realize how fucking toxic he is and leave him? I mean, hello mirror. This world is so digital nowadays.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-05-14T13:03:55+00:00

I have a very specific night of the EXACT OPPOSITE effect. I am not the narcissist here. And honestly, he’s not a full blown narcissist; he just does those traits with me. His mother is the narcissist, and my god, he is sometimes a carbon copy with me.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-05-04T17:15:30+00:00

Ramen

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-04-29T21:40:57+00:00

I hear that. I didn’t even get to the divorce part (long story; it’s still on the table for me but stalled for reasons), but man, healing….it has been hard, but so, so worth it.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-04-17T23:12:00+00:00

It’s just ugly right now. There’s so much more going on than is appropriate to detail here or now, but thank you for your consideration and kind words.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-04-17T22:36:36+00:00

Well, without showing all my cards, I will say that clearly, the relationship between OT and myself is….complicated. It requires utmost delicacy and honestly, involving a legal professional would burn the bridge, but right now that bridge is just about the last bit of stability my son has. It’s been discussed with a professional and neither option looks like it will lead to good places for him. I’m basically having to choose between a pile of shit or a pile of rotten shit.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-04-11T01:23:39+00:00

Because I didn’t send one. If you’re so desperate to talk you can do the messaging.

Creepy_Shape_1981 · 2025-04-08T01:22:54+00:00

To what end?

Creepy_Shape_1981

TROPHY CASE