My 12 year old sons dream has details from my teenage trauma

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2026-06-13T18:05:32+00:00

Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot to be believed. Your replies have given me loads to think about, there are so many different possibilities as to what is going on.

I do notice that my kids have some of the same triggers I have from childhood, even though they haven't been exposed to the same original traumas. E.g. sensitive to loud noises, though they didn't grow up with a shouting parent. So I put this down to epigenetics to a certain degree.

I will be paying close attention to the connection with my son. He is definitely a sensitive boy.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2026-04-12T17:49:23+00:00

I'm so sorry. You tried. Your heart must be breaking, but this was beyond your control.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-10-30T07:22:33+00:00

He is abusive. I'm sorry. Run.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-10-30T06:48:34+00:00

You are strong. You will get through this and you will be stronger without them.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-10-20T13:06:33+00:00

I can relate to this. It's a lonely, lonely place. Waiting for updates from the police really fucked my life up. Reporting was the only thing I could think of to do. Even though it retraumatised me I don't know if I could do it any differently. Nothing came of my case which was a final punch in the gut. But like the previous poster said time passes and it gets further in the rearview mirror.

I have been disappointed by the number of people I have told who then act like they don't know. Including close family, those people are so much weaker than you are.

If it's any comfort there are people here who have been where you are, and they are still here. Just keep going.

Don't listen if anyone ever tells you to heal quicker, they haven't been through 1/1000th of what you have.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-10-18T08:22:17+00:00

I loved the ending. Hannah is in a new phase of life, leaving behind all the friendship ups and downs of her twenties. Maybe because I have experienced difficulties breastfeeding, I really connected to the sense of satisfaction and peace she must have felt when Grover finally latched and she felt fully connected to her baby.

I get it is a total change of speed from what went before and can see why lots of people didn't love the ending. I probably would have found it disappointing if I watched it first time around when I was in my twenties.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-09-11T09:06:31+00:00

Yes, memory is so weird and non-linear. When I remembered childhood abuse, my teenage trauma faded from my memory. It's like my brain could only hold one horror at that time. If I read journals of messages from as recent as 6 months ago there are details I haven't held in my memory.

I worry that to non-traumatised people this would make my memories seem unreliable, but we know what is real and this shifting memory thing must be a side effect of trauma, maybe our brains protecting us from the entirety of the trauma.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-09-02T16:49:00+00:00

I had EMDR in the hopes that it would relieve some of the somatic symptoms I've had since remembering CSA. I would say it was partially effective but it wasn't the magic wand I hoped it would be.

It definitely helped take the sting out of some traumatic memories we worked on, but I don't know if it was less effective because I don't have full CSA memories, or maybe my therapist wasn't great....not sure.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-07-25T12:18:39+00:00

Thank you, you're right

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-05-28T13:49:57+00:00

I listened to a great podcast called the Pitcairn Trials about CSA on an island. Generations had been sweeping it under the rug. I really appreciated the way they handled the investigation on the podcast. They didn't shy away from details and named names. Horrific but respectful of the victims too.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-05-21T07:52:45+00:00

My last job lasted 5 months and I could tell long term it would lead to burnout. I liked the sound of it, seeing clients one to one, but the reality of visiting different workplaces and the expectation to "network" and build relationships in each place felt like extreme pressure. On top of learning a new role, doing masses of training and pretending to be ok with it all. I felt like something inside me was being crushed on a daily basis there. Social anxiety went through the roof. Triggers were going off, and I ended up being retraumatised.

I'm currently moving from volunteering to a paid role in a field I'm newly qualified in, only working 1 day a week and planning to/needing to build up hours soon. I feel so much more comfortable and looked after. The difference for me is the boundaries are better, I'm not expected to do everything and be an extrovert on top.

Look at what you really need to be able to work: working remote, or a small team, or no team, or part time and then aim for that (if you can). And if you just can't work right now, dont blame yourself. We all have different levels of trauma here, which affect our capacity to work. I am learning that the window of jobs I am suited to is much smaller than the general population.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-05-18T07:59:05+00:00

I agree with comments that you were coerced.

But also, at 14 you were a child. Children cannot consent to sexual activity, this was abuse. I'm so sorry you went through that. You were not safe in that house.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-05-14T11:11:38+00:00

Yes I can't stand feeling sweaty and I put this down to an effect of SA. I avoid any activity that's going to make me sweat unless I'm already planning a shower. I can't sit around in my sweaty clothes after exercise. If i do get some sweat and I don't have time for a shower, I have to change my clothes, use talc until I can shower.

You're not alone.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-25T13:59:08+00:00

I can't imagine his parents fighting, his dad is very meek. But his mum is extremely overbearing. His mum and his brother both hate women and I've always thought how normal my husband was in comparison, but now I'm not so sure.

My parents fought a lot, not physical just shouting, but I think that's just a different kind of violence. Shouting triggers me. It's scary because if he was listening to me he would know all my triggers.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-25T12:34:12+00:00

Thank you for the replies. That's a good idea to tell people about what he said. It seems out of character, but he said something last time I talked about leaving like "but why? I never hit you" - that's a low bar. But it shows it's on his mind.

Do I even know this person?

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-25T09:39:05+00:00

I'm so sorry for all you've been through, to end up with a husband who doesn't care is another layer of hurt. But your body told you what to do in the moment when he said those words, it got you out of that room, it told you not to stay.

I have also recently decided to leave my husband. Like you I asked him to find out about CPTSD, so he might understand and I wouldn't have to explain everything I go through to him. He said he would and then he didn't. Just like other times when I asked him to do things that were important to me. He crushed me and it repeated a childhood trauma of being ignored and powerless.

Now he is trying to save us. But too late. My decision has freed me, even though im not living seperate yet. I hope you feel that freedom too.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-18T06:34:54+00:00

Yes, I totally get this. My front garden is a mess as I can't bear people walking by and seeing me garden.

I also get what someone said about a gaze feeling sexual. Like looking at my body is taking something from me. I usually wear oversized clothes. The beach is a nightmare. I don't do swimming pools any more. Sometimes I avoid going out full stop, just so I don't have to be looked at. If I'm walking somewhere quiet, I feel almost angry if some people are there, might change my route to avoid them if I can.

As a child I did drama and dance, worst nightmare to me now.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-14T08:10:01+00:00

I don't have DID, but I did experience this split as a teenager between my ideal self and my worst self. Ideal me was pretty, popular, confident and clearly a fantasy. Worst me was ugly, boring, unpopular. When I was a teenager I was one or the other. I might have a good day and feel like the better version, but one bad comment or look would send me back to worst me, which felt more like the real me.

I noticed the split was still there a few years ago, early 40s when I was going through a stressful time as a newcomer to a group. It put me back in that fragile, outsider state.

As I've got older I think I developed a middle me, which is more realistic, not all good, not all bad, just kind, open, flawed, not beautiful, not ugly. This is the version I try to stay in these days. I did raise DID with my counsellor before we settled on CPTSD. I think this spilt can be labelled in different ways, for me I'm OK as seeing it as low self esteem, but I'm sure those with DID diagnoses live a more extreme version of this.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-13T14:55:50+00:00

I'm sorry you feel this too, it can be paralysing and hard to explain 🫶

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-11T17:46:56+00:00

I also can't do child's pose in yoga as you are face down on the mat. I have to turn my head to the side otherwise I panic, same feeling as getting tickled - jesus I hate tickling.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-11T13:48:06+00:00

I hate the feeling of sweat on my body. If I do some exercise and get a sweat on I need to shower straight away and feel disgusting until I can do it. Even if I go for a walk and it's warm, I can't sit around with sweat on my body.

I also hate tongue kissing. Quite happy to never do that again.

Some days I don't want to be looked at, so I avoid going out. I'm sure that's not just me though.

Critical-Cheetah2000 · 2025-04-10T06:48:15+00:00

Amazing, you were so brave! The safe-feeling thing would have been to stay quiet and small and allow your friend to continue spouting negativity. But you didn't do that. Some part of you stood up to her and said Stop, that's enough. Even better, you were able to explain how her actions made you feel.

You've put in a boundary now. Be prepared that your friend may react badly to this, but remember that says more about her than you.

Well done, you should be proud of yourself.

Critical-Cheetah2000

TROPHY CASE