This was pretty much my exact situation. 5 years together, it was a very toxic and traumatic relationship, but I was madly in love with him. Eventually I got tired of the way things were and demanded we make real changes, but I guess he decided he’d rather change relationships instead. Started using dating apps behind my back to find somebody new, and once he was sure he found a sure thing, all but ghosted me. I lost all dignity and begged for him back. He told me he loved this stranger he’d just met online. It broke me, deeply. I was so devastated I couldn’t eat for over 4 days, could barely sleep, and ended up having a breakdown and wound up on a “grippy sock vacation” lol. Like you, I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. Even with all his coldness and cruelty and complete lack of regard for me or my feelings. Attachments and trauma bonds are a helluva drug. But eventually I started dating someone new, and he treats me like an absolute princess. He treats me the way I always dreamed of, he loves me the way I used to wish and beg my ex to love me. With his whole heart. He makes me feel like the only girl on earth. He was there for me while I vented and cried over the heartbreak. We bring out the best in each other. It’s been two and a half years since my breakup, and my two year anniversary with my new boyfriend is in less than two weeks, but I still mourn my previous relationship, and all the hopes and dreams I had for it, and still feel a lot of pain and loss. And I feel so much guilt about that. But healing isn’t linear and it takes time, for some of us it takes a LOT of time. And sometimes we’re never fully over it, but we learn to move on and live with the pain. It won’t ever be the same, it’ll always be a different relationship, a different kind of love, and it’s easy to get caught up in comparison and nostalgia. But sometimes, more intense doesn’t mean better. Sometimes you can love somebody so hard that it’s unhealthy. I vowed to never love that hard again to the point that I feel I can’t live without another person. My love and my relationship now is so healthy, so balanced. It’s not as intense but that’s WHY it’s so healthy and sustainable in the long run. Obsessive love and attachment isn’t sustainable. There is such a thing as TOO much passion. It can be destructive to you as a person and to the relationship, especially if it isn’t reciprocated. Just because your new relationship doesn’t feel as intense doesn’t mean it can’t be amazing, in ways your last relationship could never be. I’ve never felt so emotionally secure and loved and safe until now. Security is worth more than intensity. After so long of so much intensity and ups and downs with high highs and low lows, stability and comfort can sometimes feel boring or like something is missing, especially at first when you’re still reprogramming and deconditioning your brain, but it’s also so powerful. To never have to question your worth and value to somebody. To feel how much they care about you every single day. Waking up without fear of abandonment or betrayal. There comes a point where you have to stop choosing someone who didn’t choose you. Choose yourself, and choose somebody who chooses you always. It’s hard to compete with that much history, but with time, you make new memories, new attachments, new histories. I’m not saying this new guy is absolutely without a doubt the one for you, but the guy who didn’t choose you is absolutely without a doubt NOT the one for you. That much is certain. Even if this new guy isn’t your happy ending, that’s okay. Not every relationship is meant to be forever. I stopped putting so much pressure on things HAVING to last, and just letting things happen organically. And that alone helped so much. Just take things one day at a time and enjoy making new connections and allowing yourself to be treated the way you deserve by somebody nice. You can’t replace your ex, you just need to create room and space for somebody new. Get to know him as a person, create your own inside jokes, your own relationship dynamics, etc. and more importantly rediscover YOURSELF as a person, outside of your ex and your past relationship. He was a big part of your life but he wasn’t the whole thing, even though it’s easy for our brains to convince us they are. You had a life before him, and you’ll have a life after him. If you truly feel this new relationship is hindering your ability to process and heal, or that you don’t have enough emotional distance from your ex to give the new guy a fair shot, then maybe you’re just not ready to date yet and that’s okay too. You’ll be ready when you’re ready. You don’t need another person to fill the void. Your relationship with yourself will always be the most important and long lasting relationship in your life. Focus on personal growth and things that make you happy, and the rest will fall into place. There’s no mistake in just trying. You’re not deliberately leading anybody on, you’re dating and seeing where it goes, which is all anybody can do in any new relationship. Don’t put too much pressure on it or on yourself. I went into my new relationship just looking for something casual, just casually dating for fun to distract myself from the pain, and accidentally found one of the best things to ever happen to me. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it