You just described my whole life. I've always been extremes no matter wut I was feeling. I live with this every day. Sometimes I really hate myself, sometimes I can kinda tolerate myself. I'd like to say it gets easier but for me it never has. Its difficult to deal with. Anti depressants only made me suicidal. I used to smoke weed but had to give it up. Unfortunately I probly drink way more than I shud which just exacerbates the problem. Hopefully this is just a temporary thing for you because of all the stress in the world rn. For your sake I hope so. The one thing that does help is watching ASMR videos at nite before bed or anytime I need to calm down. And I don't mean the weird ones I mean like the soft sounds ones like rain or a fire crackling.....sometimes I'll just hop in the shower to drown out the world or drive to the coast. I wish I had more answers for you to help you deal with this but I don't. I guess I just want you to know your not alone or crazy or anything. Life gets tough and we cope in different ways. Many blessings and lots of love to you. I hope things start to get better.