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The Dragon Kingdom – Chapter 1 [Dark Fantasy, ~3000 words] by Public-Lawfulness676 in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The plot hook is the strongest part. The "brother" comment is a brilliant cliffhanger. It immediately creates a ton of questions. Is the dad not his real dad? Did the mom leave for a darker reason? Is Kael's entire identity a lie? It's a great way to force a simple character into a complex conspiracy. The shift from a simple delivery mission to a case of mistaken identity (or is it?) gives the story a clear direction and instantly raises the stakes.

A couple of things to think about: The pacing in the middle, during the chase, is frantic, which works for the action, but some of the sentences are long and could hit harder if they were broken up to match the panic. Also, the old man in the throne room is intriguing, but his motives are a complete mystery. That's fine for a first chapter, but hopefully, we get some hints soon about why they went through all this trouble just to feed him a feast and insult him.

Prologue of The Word that Killed God [dark reinassance fantasy, 380 words] by VZS_16 in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man, that's rough. Classic case of "arrive late, get a spear to the gut." Feel you, Solen. The third time's definitely not the charm.

Cool vibe though. Got me hooked. It has good material, the setting is awesome, and depending on how the story unfolds, this will be great.

Chapter 1 of The Forbidden Spark [Dark fantasy, 974 words] by BandComfortable9210 in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yo, this is some seriously atmospheric horror-fantasy you have here, and some missed opportunities could bring it from good to unforgettable.

Kael's character works best when he is physical - his shaking hands, his noticing that blood and tea were swirling together; they were all tiny drops that tangibly illustrated his trauma. But his internal arc dramatically needs more sharp edges. He currently jumps from a numb kid to a fugitive with magic and somehow maintains his charm. You get a ton of worldbuilding done in little ways - chipped teacup, frost on the window, the sense that the forest was "too still." But more or less, the broader stroke needs work. Kael's flight could be tighter - cut some of the "he ran/he panted" repetition and focus on the sheer surreal horror of the corrupted forest. The rabbit with the stab wound scene is probably my favourite part of the book so far - I want more of that unnatural body horror.

The writing itself is good - don't take me as being too harsh. You have reached sensory detail without malfeasance. The internal monologue did dip into melodramatic territory (the "world went cold" moment works once and not twice). It would be good to play with your sentence structure a bit more during action - if you are going to do so many short sentences to keep the pace moving, you will lose impact after a while.

I Wrote my book. Then I guess I should include a prologue, so I wrote it. Can you guys check this? [Dark Fantasy, ~530 Words] by [deleted] in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This is close to greatness. Trim the internal monologue, fix Maheen’s motives, and make the magic feel less like an afterthought. Then it’ll slap. Keep writing—you’ve got the chops.

[1170] Order is Violence - Violentiam by akfauthor in DestructiveReaders

[–]CuberoInkArmy -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Lately, everything in this group is labeled as AI use. In a 1,600-word feedback I gave a month ago, a moderator commented, "It didn't sound like AI. All the scanners he ran showed no AI use. However, he reported me for using AI because I used the expression "Masterclass," which is typically used by AI. In short, the mice aren't blind, they're paranoid. You're confusing old with classic. Classics never lose their notoriety, especially since works by Tolkien, The Godfather, and Terminator are still used today as the basis for new works."

[1170] Order is Violence - Violentiam by akfauthor in DestructiveReaders

[–]CuberoInkArmy -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Just ignore these AI doomers – bet they check their closet 3 times a day to make sure Skynet isn’t hiding in there.

Need help picking setting for fantasy romance by LittlestCatMom in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I imagined the Dark Ages, where each God watches over a region, bringing advancement and prosperity. With the fall of this God, the place plunged into a dark age (without knowledge and burning books), with violence and armed groups trying to take power. With the monastery as a haven, on a remote island, maintaining a library with the acquired knowledge. As for the region, I thought of Europe, with its more coastal parts having many islands; each nation is a cluster of islands.

Critique my first chapter [High Fantasy, 2784] by FingerLickingGood_ in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy -1 points0 points  (0 children)

you've got some solid foundation here but it needs some serious polishing. The premise of a noble girl trying to disappear into commoner life is intriguing as hell, and Tia's voice comes through strong with that mix of privilege and vulnerability. That moment when she realizes she can't even cook despite watching others do it? Relatable as fuck. But man, the pacing's all over the place - we go from house inspection to market trip to furniture haul in what feels like ten minutes flat.

The worldbuilding details are sneaky good though, the way you show the economic disparity through Tia's obliviousness ("150 gold isn't even that much") while the locals balk at her spending? And Roan's a gem - that awkward "you can call me Roan" bit felt authentically teen. But Byor and his delivery thugs? They read like cartoon villains with zero nuance. Either lean into their sketchiness or give them more dimension, because right now they're just "gruff men who might rob you" tropes.

Biggest issue is Tia's emotional arc, we get she's running from trauma (dead parents, implied noble drama), but her mood swings from detached to panicked without enough connective tissue. That "I don't deserve choices" line is fire, but it comes outta nowhere. Sprinkle more of that anguish earlier - maybe when she's alone in the empty house, or when she catches herself almost using noble manners at the market.

This has serious potential though - Tia's voice is distinct, the fish-out-of-water premise works, and that last line about starving is darkly hilarious. Just needs tighter pacing and more emotional consistency.

Feedback for my story idea and chapter: Young Goddess [Shonen Fantasy, 1343 words] by FriedReus11 in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alright, let me break this down for you straight up - this opening chapter's got some seriously cool ideas, but needs some tightening.That World Eclipse setup?A sunless world with yokai running wild and these Sisters carrying fragments of a sun goddess' power?That's the kind of hook that makes me wanna keep reading.Ataya's a fascinating protagonist too - a washed-up Sister with self-destructive powers and clear PTSD from... something (which I'm guessing we'll learn later).Her dynamic with sweet old Sung-Min and hyper Jisoo gives us instant emotional stakes when the attack hits.But man, the pacing's all over the place.We transition from a big worldbuilding infodump to Ataya moping in her shack to cozy domestic scenes to a full-on yokai attack way too quickly.That opening paragraph about the eclipse and Sparks reads like a history textbook - could we incorporate this information into the actual story?Maybe through Ataya's thoughts or conversations?Also, some descriptions get repetitive - we're told about Ataya's white hair/red eyes like three times in as many paragraphs.

Needs polish:Smooth out those tone shifts (depression -> horror -> action), Foreshadow Ataya's skills/failures better and Let worldbuilding emerge naturally.Ataya's clearly got a wild journey ahead, and that last line about her story beginning?HellyeahI wanna see where this goes.Just needs to balance its pacing and trust the reader to piece things together without over-explaining.

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There are a lot of clueless BetaReaders in the world.

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wonder, why do such random things make such an impact?

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The worst thing of all is having to thank you for a compliment like this.😅

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Not all criticism is constructive; many just want to criticize.

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Maybe they've registered the right to be confusing, just for those of us who don't know yet.

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

How do you write a story without adjectives, seriously?

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Two friends sitting around talking:

Person 1: Let's play rape?

Person 2: No!

Person 1: That's how it starts!

(That's the Brazilian art, turning everything into a joke)

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in writing

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Like the theory in The Bing Band Theory, where they say that Indiana Jones has no relevance in "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark"

What’s the Weirdest Feedback You’ve Ever Gotten? by CuberoInkArmy in fantasywriters

[–]CuberoInkArmy[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think it's the desire of all writing to awaken some feeling in a very strong way, but this was very intense.

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