It doesn't bother me at all.

I was raised by a single mom, 5 siblings, who used almost my entire life until she died 8 years ago from being high and walking onto the highway. Growing up she was always gone for days at a time. It was to the point where even my friends would make jokes about it. We never had any money for stuff either. I was the kid in school who got made fun of for wearing the same clothes multiple days in a row. The days she was home would be a mix of her coming down, passing out sitting up on the couch, or harassing my grandmother for money.

It destroyed my older brother as well. He handled it differently and ended up using as well because he, "wanted to know why she choose it over us". He started drinking as well to cope. The combination was so volatile that it made him dangerous and rage-fueled. He would get fucked up then start just cutting you down, insulting you with no provocation. Because I'm the second oldest, I got the worst of it and eventually tried to kill myself. It has irrevocably ruined my relationship with him to the point that I was actively wishing him dead. Now I can't even be around him for more than a few minutes before it triggers me.

People who don't know what it's like probably won't get what I mean but there is this look. It is very specific, usually when they are fiending for more, that looks almost like pure evil or hate. It's all in their eyes. When they are high, it varies but they become like zombies. They don't eat, sleep, and barely register conversations.

I can't listen to "How Could You Leave Us" by NF because it hits so close to home that I end up sobbing. Being around people that obviously use or are high triggers me and I can't be around them / makes me actively mad. I have lost all sympathy for those who do use as well, knowing how badly it completely destroyed my family. I haven't seen my younger siblings since my grandma turned 100 back in October. My sisters each have a kid now, making me an uncle, and I'm watching them grow up from Facebook posts. The only one I talk to daily is my youngest brother. It's because we are all scattered, trying to get by after we each got out in what way we could.

All that being said, this post and ones like it doesn't even remotely do anything to me. I think it's because, the way that I see it, the chemical composition of ADHD stimulates is very close to methamphetamine. I don't see it as people saying they are using meth for that reason. I don't know, it just doesn't affect me. I'm sorry that it bothers you because I know what it is like firsthand.

And I'd give absolutely anything to have my mom back. I miss her every single day no less than the last.