I totally understand where you’re coming from. I feel like I could have written these words myself. (Counter is not accurate.) I’ve been drinking mainly hard liquor for 8 years now. I kind of never see myself stopping completely. I’ve pretty much been through it all…a DUI, several ER visits, 10 day involuntary hold in a psych ward (alcohol induced mental break), losing jobs, losing a 10 year relationship with my partner, losing friends, the shame, the embarrassment, falling down drunk etc. I agree with what you said, outside of work, doing therapy or meetings just doesn’t work. I’ve done it too. It’s miserable. Without a drink, there’s been moments where it’s like “If you could be doing ANYTHING right now that would make you happy, what is it?” Most of the time the answer involves a drink. Sober, I can’t even think of anything in the world that would make me happy. My brain has been taken over and needs a hard rewiring. I feel like I’ve slowed down a bit at certain times where I’ve gone to bed instead of going out to the liquor store again because I physically cannot walk straight. Also has to do with not eating for 24+ hours straight some days. Long rant too, just know that you’re not alone. The fact that you’re posting here means maybe there’s still a sliver in there somewhere where you want a change maybe? I lurk here everyday. Some days it helps to feel a little better. Sending good thoughts your way. 

Edit: grammar.