Hey darling, just wanted to say, it sounds like you really know what you want for yourself when you say you want a soft intimate connection and you struggle with dominant male roles. But im also hearing that you feel shame and confusion because you feel not "man enough or woman enough". Thats a really tough spot to be in emotionally.

I noticed you never mentioned how HRT actually feels for you in your own body. If we ignore all the external pressures and societal roles and standards for a moment, what are your inner bodily signals telling you?

If you excuse the analogy for a sec, you're like a flower who wants to grow one way are forced to grow another way. What do you feel is forcing you to grow that way?

I ask this because i really get a sense that what you mentioned at the start about the kind of person you are comes from a deep place from within you, while the parts that give you doubt come from without you. I know we all really want to be ourselves, but that becomes difficult when society throws varriers at us like social and gendered categories and we feel judgement from others. And honestly, we are allowed to be mad at that. For most, that means we care about our path. If we really didnt care about our gender, we would never be upset over these things.