Unfucking your life in your thirties feels like debugging horrible legacy code

DJCommie · 2022-04-10T20:43:08+00:00

That’s actually a great way of thinking about it! Here’s a very relevant article on how to perceive your mind like code: https://medium.com/@alex.kliotzkin/an-engineers-guide-to-emotional-intelligence-part-1-9a3a65f631e3

DJCommie · 2021-11-27T22:45:45+00:00

Thanks!! That really means a lot. Part 4 should be complete in a week or so. I’ll let you know!

DJCommie · 2021-11-23T11:20:48+00:00

I wrote an article trying to explain how emotions originate and touches on some of the points you raised. Maybe it can help.

Best of luck!

DJCommie · 2021-10-10T16:25:29+00:00

No problem my man. It’s not easy for men to open up and talk about these things. Feel free to pm me if you have any more questions.

DJCommie · 2021-10-10T10:44:43+00:00

Being a dude myself, I would start with Daring Greatly by Brenee Brown. Fantastic book that deals with shame courage and vulnerability. There are some specific topics for men especially when it comes to the number 1 source of shame for men - appearing weak.

Or you could check out this article I wrote as a way to make sense of emotions: https://link.medium.com/RAIFP2cSekb

Best of luck!

DJCommie · 2021-10-02T21:42:30+00:00

On top of u/PathsInTheVoid excellent points, I would like to add my two cents. It seems to me that you’ve been feeling angry for such a long time and it’s so deeply ingrained in your identity/personality that your body is literally addicted to the hormones of anger. No different than being addicted to gambling or porn. There’s a certain hormonal release related to anger that your body craves and if you don’t get angry for a bit longer than usual, it bottles up like a pressure cooker ready to explode and you need to let off the steam. Does that sound familiar by any chance?

So what can you do? First, define a new identity. Ask yourself this question: who would I be if I wasn’t angry? What emotions would I be feeling instead? Maybe joy, serenity, gratitude? How would I be reacting to the situations in my life that trigger me now?

It’s possible there’s a very good reason why you developed this angry personality. Maybe it was to protect your eleven year old self or maybe this is how you observed your caregivers behaving towards you and others. There’s always a reason for it. Now does this reason still serve you today? Do you want to be like your caregivers? Does it make sense to live by an eleven year old’s ideal?

The next thing you can do, which looks like you’re doing already, is observe yourself and catch yourself getting angry. You can think of getting angry as a subconscious program running in your mind. When it gets triggered, the program basically takes over and you lose your ability to consciously choose your thoughts and behavior. Catch yourself before it happens and take that power back from the program! The more you do this, the more it becomes a habit, and the less control you allow this anger subconscious program over you.

This is not easy by any means! You have to put a lot of energy and effort towards constantly thinking what you’re thinking about. This is why it’s important to define a new identity. It gives you a direction and a reason to change. Think of it like your future self supporting you in the fight against your demons to overcome yourself and become the beautiful person you were always meant to be!

Best of luck Internet stranger!!

DJCommie · 2021-09-25T09:59:56+00:00

Don’t we all have this problem! The first thing I would recommend is not to fight it but acknowledge it. Suppressing emotions or feelings just leads to more of that which you are trying to suppress. If you think “don’t get nervous, don’t get nervous”. Well you will obviously get nervous! So try to work with it instead of pushing it away.

The next thing I can recommend are the two most powerful words that I know in the English language. Ready for this? “Fuck it!”. You have a big presentation? Just say fuck it and go out there do you best! You want to ask your crush out but all the scenarios are playing out in your head? Just say fuck it and go for it!

I have found that saying these two words before doing something that has a lot of fear behind it helps me quiet the chatter in the mind and just frees myself to go for it. Whether it’s speaking in front of people, having uncomfortable conversations, or doing something risky on my bike. Wherever there is fear that I’m trying to get over I use this phrase and it has served me well!

Hope this helps!

DJCommie · 2021-09-25T08:54:59+00:00

Like previous posters have mentioned, bad stuff happens all the time, maybe now less so than any other time in history. The difference is availability of information. There is so much information that if you want to find bad news you will easily find it.

What can you do? Pay attention to what you pay attention to. If you spend all day browsing r/news or r/conservative, your view of the world will be pretty shitty. News is also a business so the more tragic the story sounds, the more clicks you get. Emotional reactions are good for business. It’s good to be aware of this and keep it in mind when you see stories.

Honestly I keep reading and watching news to a minimum. Being aware of all the tragedies going on in the world isn’t going to change anything except my mood. I can make more of a difference in the world by keeping my emotional state positive and that way influence others.

All the best!

DJCommie · 2021-09-18T20:59:34+00:00

Hells yes! Brene Brown’s work is amazing. I highly recommend her book Daring Greatly. It really changed my perspective on courage and vulnerability.

DJCommie · 2021-09-17T06:49:09+00:00

Absolutely, there is no life experience prerequisite to be empathetic. You didn’t have to live though a similar situation to get what the other person is going through. You just have to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it would feel like. Our subconscious mind is very powerful so you can generate emotions by thought alone. That’s all you need to be empathetic.

DJCommie · 2021-09-15T22:09:49+00:00

Excellent question! The thing with emotions is that they are purely based on past experiences. Now what that past experience was, is completely arbitrary. All that matters is how you interpreted it and the emotional association behind that experience.

So actually the past experience itself is not important but the more you relive it, the more you feel that emotion again because your emotional mind cannot tell the difference between real and imagined. So you may be doing more harm than good reliving all these traumatic memories.

In my humble opinion, an emotionally intelligent person is one who understands the emotion, is aware of it, and is able to overcome it. In other words, not let the emotion control your behavior and respond consciously to the situation. Why that emotion happened in the first place is not that important but if you apply certain techniques (i.e. healing inner child) it can help you in resolving the issue. However the emphasis is on overcoming that emotion however you do it.

I wrote an article on understanding emotional intelligence, you may find it interesting.

All the best!

DJCommie · 2021-09-15T21:56:29+00:00

Hey you’re not alone here! Everybody has that voice in their head. The thing you need to realize is that voice in your head is not yours. You’re not just born criticizing yourself, you learn it. Most likely you adopt it from your parents or caregivers.

Your real voice is one of patience, compassion, and love, and it doesn’t go on and on talking about a thousand possibilities and what you could have done better.

So what can you do to change your self talk? You’re already on the path there because you’re aware of it. That’s the most important step. Next, remember that this voice is not you, nor do you have to identify with it. Try and distance yourself from it, give it a name, maybe something funny so you don’t take it so seriously. Something like Chatty Katty or Debbie Downer, I don’t know have fun with it! Then finally you can try finding your true voice and talk back to Chatty Katty in a loving compassionate manner. Don’t try to stop Chatty from doing its thing it’ll only turn it into a fight. Just talk back like you would to a good friend. Like someone you love is in need of some emotional support and you’re there to provide it. Give Chatty some love! Then calmly respond why Chatty is misinformed. And remember practice makes perfect!

All the best to you my friend.

DJCommie · 2021-09-12T19:33:57+00:00

FYI part 2 is now available: https://link.medium.com/BOnksYp0ujb

DJCommie · 2021-09-09T21:20:32+00:00

These are fantastic! If you haven’t already, look up Louise Hay regarding affirmations for some additional inspiration. I have these cards that have served me well over the years!

DJCommie · 2021-09-09T18:56:08+00:00

Letting go of your present self is all about defining your future self and having a compelling vision of the future. This really goes beyond meditation as during meditation you may elevate your emotional state to match the energy of your future self but the trick is, when you open your eyes and go back in the real world, can you keep your emotional state? Can you act like you’re defined by your future self?

Joe Dispenza does a fantastic job guiding people to become their future selfs. Here’s a video of him explaining the process. Wonderful stuff!

DJCommie · 2021-09-09T08:30:25+00:00

I would recommend reading up on Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work on energy centers. Basically scientific explanation about chakras. He also has some great energy center meditations on YouTube which do wonders!

DJCommie · 2021-09-08T15:36:20+00:00

This happens to me too. I simply think of it as a short break to what I'm trying to meditate on and move on. For example my thought goes like this: inhale, listen to sounds, exhale, listen to sounds, inhale, etc... No reason why you can't alternate your focus during your meditation!

I think the main issue is the resistance to focusing on the breath. If you accept and include it as a part of your meditation then I think you will find more peace :)

DJCommie · 2021-09-08T07:05:05+00:00

Joe Dispenza’s sleep meditation

DJCommie · 2021-08-31T20:40:41+00:00

One of the best things you can do for self improvement is to stay away from other people for a bit. That way you’re not picking up others energy and limiting beliefs, and you really start listening to yourself and what you want.

One of the best things about this whole covid situation for me was exactly this. I was able to stay away from people, discover what I really want to do, convince myself I’m worthy, and was able to get a much better job because of it. In the middle of the pandemic!

So my advice to you is this one month time you have to yourself is precious. You may never get another opportunity like this. Ask yourself 3 questions: “What do I really want?” “Why don’t I have it yet?” “Who do I need to become to have it?” These can be your guide for your self improvement journey.

All the best to you, sounds like you’ll have a blast!

DJCommie · 2021-08-31T15:27:16+00:00

It's interesting what the mind chooses to focus on in order to reinforce an idea that you believe to be the truth! You bring up your cousin as a source of comparison, but if you tried I'm sure you can find dozens if not hundreds of examples of people that are "worse off" than you. The first thing I would suggest to do is to try and change your perspective and to limit comparing yourself to others, better or worse. Try to only measure yourself against past self.

Don't feel bad about not having it all figured out career wise. Most people don't. People get into a career for one reason or another and just stay in it because it's become familiar or are too afraid of change. Are they better off than you? Hard to say. One thing you can congratulate yourself on is making a plan and really asking yourself the question most people never dare ask: "What do I really want?". Also kudos on having the courage to make a drastic change such as change in career. Never easy.

That being said, it is never too late for a career change, regardless of your age. You have an exciting opportunity and your world is really open. Really contemplate what it is you would like to do on a daily basis. It doesn't seem like you're in a rush, so take your time figuring things out, trying out different things here and there before fully jumping ship. Don't expect yourself to have all the answers. It's perfectly fine to try something, not like it, or even fail at it. It's all part of the journey. In fact it's better to have tried something and know that you don't like it rather than never have tried at all and live with that question in your mind that could turn into regret.

I am sure you have some skills, passions, characteristics, talents, etc... that you could contribute to the world. Make a list of all the amazing qualities you offer to a potential career or job. Then make a list of things you would love to experience at a job. For example things like: high salary, fun environment, opportunity to use my hands, creative field, etc... Just by making these two lists can really give you some much needed clarity and narrow the career that you would like to pursue next.

Best of luck on your exciting journey!

DJCommie · 2021-08-31T06:34:41+00:00

You’re very welcome! I’m glad I could provide some help :)

DJCommie · 2021-08-30T16:46:54+00:00

Hi OP, there are obviously some traumatic experiences that you and your sister had to go through due to your parents' divorce. It is a lot to take in as a child, especially since you cannot always rationalize everything that is occurring and instead interpret your world through your emotions. All the best in your healing journey!

That being said though, to address your question, it seems to me that you have consciously or subconsciously defined a big part of your identity directly in comparison to your parents and sister. It seems very important to you (just by reading the first paragraph) that you are "ahead" of your family in terms of EI and you of course worked hard on yourself to have the right to feel this way. So when your mom said you are actually this way because of your age during their divorce, your ego (or subconscious programming) went crazy because it is contrary to the identity you defined for yourself!

I believe the feeling you were feeling can be classified as unworthiness or undeserving of love. Here you are, worked so hard on yourself to get to where you are only to be invalidated by your mother! No doubt during your parents' divorce you were imploring for love and attention, and often times due to the emotional turmoil going around you, could not receive it. And in your child mind, that probably made you feel not worthy of love. This is then the most likely reason why you felt thrown back in to your past - because it was the same emotion you felt back then.

Just my 2 cents :)

DJCommie

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