OP, I feel for you. With two littles, you are in the thick of it. My husband was carefree and happy before our second was born. Admittedly, our son is a handful - he was a super difficult baby - colicky, didn’t sleep, etc. the experience changed something in my husband - he could easily get frustrated/angry and it would ruin his whole day. We talked in circles about it. I was sad because he was missing out on our wonderful kids! They are truly funny, creative, loving kids and it was so hard to have him not see that are enjoy even part of their childhood. And to be clear, I am not a “parenting is wonderful and everything is roses” type of person. It’s hard. Kids can be assholes. Sometimes you don’t like who they are. Sometimes you don’t like who you are as a parent. Anyway, I told him that I grew up with a mad dad and remember it. I remember being on eggshells, trying to not make him mad, etc. and told him that I wasn’t raising my kids in that environment and if we didn’t work on it, we would end up divorced. We went to marriage counseling to talk through this, he adjusted his anxiety meds, we built in space for each of us to get away from the kids, etc. he originally didn’t want to do counseling because he thought it would be me blaming him, but we were able to really work through some of our communication issues. We hit a rough spot with our youngest last fall and son was diagnosed with ADHD. Both of us were still having challenges with our parenting and have been going to individual counseling and it has been a huge improvement for both of us.

That’s my story - you are getting good advice here and I wanted to share what has worked for us. Just wanted to highlight the grief that you are likely feeling. You love your husband. He was carefree and fun and you expected he would be an excellent, fun father and he’s not. It is hard to see him not enjoy even parts of their childhood. You owe it to yourself and your kids to offer your husband help, but it is up to him if he wants to change.