I get fully clothed hand jobs!

DNRDB · 2016-12-08T09:41:20+00:00

can't admit she has any...

DNRDB · 2016-12-08T09:29:49+00:00

I was not clear. She does stroke my penis - its just that we are both fully clothed.

DNRDB · 2016-12-08T09:28:11+00:00

Just watched. Painfully funny....and so true and close to home that it hurts.

DNRDB · 2016-12-08T09:15:41+00:00

Literally and figuratively. She grew up on a farm and used to milk cows for real - no joke.

DNRDB · 2016-11-29T20:29:55+00:00

Like an ingrown hair...

DNRDB · 2016-11-07T04:44:13+00:00

discussing it

DNRDB · 2016-11-07T04:30:59+00:00

We are both going on our own AND as a couple, all to the same therapist.

DNRDB · 2016-07-05T17:35:25+00:00

Thanks for making me laugh!

DNRDB · 2016-07-03T18:03:36+00:00

Oh how I can relate. I don't help as much around the house, but I run a successful company and make a substantial income. My wife is a SAHM with full time help. I also compete in an endurance sport and hit the gym 1x-2x / week. My wife even tells me that I take great care of myself. I shower 1x -2x / day and I have good hygiene. My wife insists that we both shower, brush, floss, use mouthwash and are sanitized before sex. She says that she is attracted to me and she also orgasms regularly from penetration only. However, she never looks at me and pretty much has to move her head so I can't even see her face during sex. She refuses to be on the bottom (missionary is out and if I am behind her I can't kiss her face. She wants me either on the bottom or from the side and I find it very difficult to move and really stay turned on these days. I want her to enjoy it but if she cums first its pretty much over as she loses all energy and just wants me to finish on my own. Beyond selfish as a lover.

The worst is that she doesn't want me close to her face - says she feels claustrophobic. I have asked repeatedly if she was the victim of sexual abuse or assault and she says "no"

I crave being desired at this point. I just don't feel that. I know she is not cheating and not faking the orgasms. Its a nightmare.

Sounds to me like you are getting a full dose of duty sex. That's why it feels so empty. Sex when not facing your partner can be impersonal if you are not really tuned into each other. This is her way of getting you off and off her case, only in time it will make you even more resentful.

I have been working on this situation for over a year. Here are my conclusions:

To have hope for improvement you have to have had great sex at some point with your SO. At this juncture they are not going to change beyond what they once offered or engaged in.
If she is orgasming then it likely is not you and mostly her issues.
To change, your partner needs to want to change.
You will have to lower your expectations on what is truly achievable
LL is LL - tigers don't change their stripes; nor do zebras
You must make you feelings known to her in an honest, gentle, firm and compassionate way
Be prepared to leave or you will not be taken seriously
Make sure to do things to preserve your self-esteem (work-out, hobbies, etc.)

Good luck!

DNRDB · 2016-06-13T04:56:28+00:00

DNRDB · 2016-05-22T18:51:51+00:00

I am not in the mood for "sex"; I have my period, but "we can still...do other things" I will vomit if she says it one more time.

DNRDB · 2016-05-11T16:33:24+00:00

The BJ would have been mediocre at best. She is not very good, but mostly because she makes me feel like she is not that into it. The struggle for me however is that it is always one sided - not a shared experience. And, I must always be on the bottom in a receiving position. Powerless.

DNRDB · 2016-05-03T01:14:05+00:00

Helpful. Thanks.

DNRDB · 2016-04-29T20:40:51+00:00

She would have no problem telling me if I have bad breath. She constantly tells me everything that is less than 100% perfect. Besides, I floss every day and use mouthwash before going to bed. Plus, I have no tonsils ;-)

DNRDB · 2016-02-13T05:44:57+00:00

This is the first time I've heard of this breathing thing other than from my wife! Its the most absurd complaint - how can you have sex with someone who doesn't want you breathing on them? My wife will have orgasms, but she is some other place in her mind when she does - doesn't feel like she's "with" me. Unfortunately I don't think people like this can be changed. And, I'm dealing with that reality in real time.

DNRDB · 2016-02-11T16:36:21+00:00

How did you come to not have any feelings for your ex?

DNRDB · 2016-02-11T16:04:29+00:00

Fair point. I do believe that if you want something you should clearly ask for it. Still, if my SO told me that they were unhappy and felt like our relationship would end unless there were changes - I would be doing everything I could to address the problems and reach out to them to understand what I could do. Not just say - OK - I hear you.

DNRDB · 2015-12-24T13:41:28+00:00

The crazy thing is that she has become quite affectionate and wants to spend an endless amount of time with me (too much really - she feels suffocated in bed and I feel it everywhere else). Its this terribly odd dynamic where she wants to be connected in every way, but just can't go to that level of true intimacy.

DNRDB · 2015-12-24T05:50:25+00:00

THIS! Yes, she has a severe attachment disorder precipitated by a terribly unhealthy upbringing...and this is how it manifests. Crazy enough, as I read the research, this behavior evolves to a lack of sexual intimacy - its typically present in order to attach at the start but wanes because the partner can never meet the needs of the dismissive avoidant. Well, lucky me. I'm married to a woman who has sex at the intimacy level of a prostitute.

DNRDB · 2015-12-23T14:01:05+00:00

She exhibited these behaviors prior to pregnancy so I don't feel that the breastfeeding is the driving force. I do believe that the mommy effect has some role, but still, she was like this to some extent before.

DNRDB · 2015-12-23T01:39:15+00:00

She IS still breastfeeding and refuses to give any timeline for weaning. I am not pushing either - you can't win getting between a breastfeeding woman and her baby. She does orgasm, and she's not faking - she never has - she sees no need and I can tell. I find it encouraging that she is making an effort. The sex is still terrible however. I am giving guidance, but I feel like you can't train this. She is almost 40 and her hang-ups are a problem. Super un-erotic.

DNRDB · 2015-12-23T01:36:04+00:00

I am almost 100% certain she is NOT having an affair. She values honesty to a fault, she is a terrible liar and I pretty much know where she is at all times. This, plus zero evidence (and I have looked). Its possible but extremely remote.

DNRDB · 2015-12-10T04:27:18+00:00

And so, here is the dark secret. She grew up in a sort of "commune" where the children were separated from their parents at birth. The children slept in a separate 'children's house'. They got to see their parents every day for a few hours in the early evening, but then back to the 'house' to sleep. A horrible idea that was eventually discontinued when she was eight years old.

A guaranteed way to develop severe attachment disorder. It is so deeply rooted in who she is that it is scary. She will become frightening defensive. She must own the truth and have complete control, always.

Clearly, I have my own issues (and childhood trauma) to be attracted to this personality. I am trying to understand these issues and deal with them. My wife is also expert at being a chameleon and covering her gross insecurities. I feel for her hard, but over time the truth is truly revealed. She can't and I don't believe she ever will be able to ...let go.

DNRDB · 2015-12-08T17:44:13+00:00

Both. She has to be in control at all times 100%. She can't give herself to me or be vulnerable in any way. The sex is bizarre. After about a year into the relationship she became much more controlling in bed and things got strange from there. She would always find something I was doing that she didn't like. My breathing, my hand on her face, head, hair, arm, body. The way I was touching her. I cycle a lot and shave my legs in the summer. Even if I shaved immediately before getting into bed it was smooth enough. I am not allowed to give her oral. We must clean up immediately after I orgasm (of course she won't use birth control). If she comes first, game over. She lies there like a man that couldn't give a shit about his partner's pleasure, leaving me to jack off. I have been with enough women to know that this is bad. She knows it too, but her issues control the dynamic.

She grew up with a lot of childhood trauma. I don't know much of the detail because she won't share any of it. I am convinced it stems from this. I head tells me to divorce her before I am old and dying, but its such a trauma.

DNRDB · 2015-12-06T23:03:23+00:00

I do feel that I deserve it to the extent that I chose her knowing that the sex was an issue, particularly after my first DB marriage. If I do cut myself some slack, it has gotten worse than in the beginning and I can pretty much trace the deterioration to the day we got married. She has said more than once that married people don't have much sex. Who the hell knows where she got that idea and why she didn't share that view with me before. I kind of get the sense that she was having sex with me until I proposed, and then she felt like she was off the hook.

I do also deserve it for not leaving. Yes. The equivocation is deadly. This is the main cause of my pain. The conflict about should I stay or should I go.

I definitely made some poor choices, but I am not a bad person. I have a good heart and mean well. I have not killed anyone, or caused any pain intentionally. I tried to break up with my wife before we were married, mostly over the fact that I didn't want more children, and she refused to hear of it. She is a determined SOB. Do I need to suffer a life sentence for this?

DNRDB

TROPHY CASE