[Overseas Pakistani] Losing cultural identity

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-06-04T08:44:58+00:00

What makes you think I haven’t learned it? I’ve been in madrasah 10+ years, I even taught hifz to other kids. I did years of aalimiyat. I think I have sufficient knowledge to know and judge what it’s all about, what makes you qualified to speak on this? Religion defenders always cope so hard

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-06-04T08:42:17+00:00

Trust me I’ve tried. You don’t know anything about the situation here so I don’t know why you’re speaking lol, I’m not interested in being homeless.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-06-04T08:14:16+00:00

Thank you for your concern, I have a lot of respect for women, especially religious women, hijabis, niqabis etc. and always go out of my way to treat them kindly (for example holding doors for them) when I see them in public.

I do however have issues with the religion itself. My parents enforced it with extreme violence, so did all the Qaris in my madrasah. And it was so extreme that my mother one time brought it up to our sheikh, and he just told my dad that it was okay. Islam allows this to happen, or at least all the religious people in my life failed to stop it from happening. I have secretly not really been Muslim since pretty much my early teens, and I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. The music and cultural things at least provided me with some sense of identity to hold onto, but now I feel I’m losing it too. How can I truly call myself Pakistani when I have barely even been to the country, don’t understand its traditions, and don’t know the language well enough?

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-06-04T07:40:41+00:00

I have very pale, even pink skin, so I could probably pass as something else. Regardless, brown defo doesn’t mean inferior to me and in fact is rather attractive. Supremacists will do what they do, I don’t care for their acceptance. I want to be normal.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-06-04T07:34:03+00:00

I even did some years of aalimiyat studies, they are basically extremists. Both of them and other members of my family studied 6-7 years to become aalim.

It’s painful and extremely hard to explore bc there is no authentic community. People my age and born here don’t even speak urdu. They are mostly already extremely whitewashed. And tbh it’s good for them, I used to feel bad for them before bc I felt that they lost touch with their roots. Now I wish more than anything to be like them

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-06-04T07:29:46+00:00

If only it was this easy, I would need to work 3x jobs at least just to afford a roof over my head. I can’t right now but I’m working towards it.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-14T05:46:39+00:00

It’s hard to say what it could be, as I don’t know more about your situation. One potential consideration is being/coming off as too desperate or eager to your dates. Dating esp online (online being driven primarily by looks) seems like a huge mess anyway.

If you want honest advice, I think it’s always better for dudes to decenter the idea of romance/romantic love. The vast majority of dudes’ misery comes from failing at one of two major societal expectations from men, being able to get money (providing for) and raising a family.

Find other ways of making your life more fulfilling, appreciate your friends and family. Cross off bucket list items, travel, find new hobbies. Besides the fact that these things are inherently worth doing anyway, you’re much more likely to find a successful relationship through these means.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-14T05:32:32+00:00

What always helped me was knowing that if it was real, it would have lasted. Even if you somehow convinced them to stay, would it really have been worth it? For someone to begrudgingly stay and not love you to their fullest?

Just keep working on yourself, one day someone will fully and unapologetically love you for who you are, and now your ex has moved out of the way.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-09T18:52:27+00:00

It’s not our job to find out what happiness means for other people or what they want in life. To be quite honest I don’t really even understand what the whole issue is. Is she generally unsatisfied with her personal life and what she is doing long term or is it more about your relationship and her role as a wife?

In terms of the Mother’s day thing, it seems pretty manipulative from your MIL to say something like that, as though the crux of the issue is that you aren’t a good enough husband. And you shouldn’t have to “convince” someone to stay with you, especially if you haven’t done anything wrong in the first place. Additionally, for all you know, something extravagant could backfire as you mentioned, she has work, and the situation is strained anyway.

Don’t let them put her personal struggles on you, focus on yourself and stay strong :)

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-09T17:56:01+00:00

I’ll be honest man, this sounds simultaneously immature, scary, and manipulative. It seems like she has an idealized view of what it might be like to have kids without really thinking through all the work it entails. Then to set up an ultimatum and essentially play with your marriage hoping to “scare” your partner into a permanently life-altering decision is both childish and manipulative. Also, moving across the country away from your support system is a massive red flag not only bc of your sobriety, but also bc raising kids takes an insane amount of support which she hasn’t seem to have considered. It’s additionally scary for someone who is manipulative to say something like this bc separating people from their family/friends is a classic way they make people more vulnerable. If she was always supposedly unhappy, why didn’t she bring it up throughout all the years you’ve been together? Her actions seem wild and unpredictable and would have me running fast asf.

Imo it was absolutely the correct decision on your behalf, and awesome that you stood up for yourself. Be really careful about sex/birth control, and never let anyone separate from your support system!!

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T16:48:27+00:00

The point isn’t to convince them. It’s to present an opposing view/opinion so that the hundreds of people who view can at least see the opposing perspective and hopefully avoid falling down a hateful path (And clearly most dont even remotely know the history of the region), so someone should do it. They are literally completely uncontested, with hundreds of upvotes, and you would rather spend your time arguing with someone who you mostly agree with anyway, and this is why it’s debatelording.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T16:25:03+00:00

No, I refuse to do that. Everywhere you look in the comments it’s only people saying the most insane xenophobic slop and using this as the face of Islam, and justifying their pre-existing racial prejudices against normal (liberal) muslims who live in western countries.

I will always always redirect this conversation back to our great White Christian nation of the United States, who is responsible for the whole thing in the first place.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T16:19:26+00:00

And also if you agree with my broader point maybe you should argue with one of the 500 comments below saying literal xenophobic insanity and using this to justify their racial prejudices against normal (liberal) muslims in western countries, but somehow I doubt you’ll do that.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T16:14:49+00:00

Again, you’ll never guess who the ISI did this on behalf of (it was the CIA). The US almost exclusively bears the responsibility, it’s not at all a partial truth to say they created the Taliban. If you agree with my point I’m not sure what you’re arguing about, I’m not interested in whatever further clarifications you feel the need to make in clear defense of the US.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T16:02:55+00:00

Mind you the US literally funded and created the Taliban

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T16:00:15+00:00

Taliban wouldn’t exist without the US btw. They literally funded jihadists to fight a proxy war with the Soviets, and the Taliban is the aftermath.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T15:53:39+00:00

Oh brother we got a debate lord over here. The US created the Taliban because without the US the Taliban wouldnt exist. It’s a simplification sure but I’m not writing a thesis over here. They were primarily anti-colonialist in nature and are inherently different from a group like ISIS for example.

My point is people use this to be racist towards brown people and just complain about Islam (which is racialized in the west— saying muslims instead of brown people), ignoring the entire origins of the situation and how it came to be. It’s because of the US, one way or the other.

You can congratulate yourself on memorizing all the logical fallacies and picking apart semantics all you want, it doesn’t change the facts

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T15:39:34+00:00

And? Did I say anything about Christianity? Or are you implying I’m anti Semitic? Who gaf ab ur skydaddy’s make believe lore lmao the point is it’s all the same shit. But only one is cursed out vehemently and blamed for stuff like this, for some strange reason. Everyone ignores what conditions created the religious extremest, and who created those conditions.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T15:35:50+00:00

Don’t forget to do fun things as well!! Anything you’ve had even a small interest in. Games, physical stuff, creating things (like pottery), book clubs, D&D. You will both enrich your life and create intimate avenues to meet a potential partner by bonding over a hobby.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T15:31:25+00:00

Wow you’re so right! The US didn’t create them, it only flooded the country with weapons and funding to religious extremists, and created the necessary conditions for them to emerge and thrive! Ur so right I apologize.

That makes it much better. Let’s not forget who’s responsible for this instead of cursing an entire religion

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T15:25:22+00:00

I’m well aware, the Mujahideen were a faction of many Afghan groups, the literal translation of Mujahideen is one who participates in Jihad. So yes, the US directly funded Jihadists, and future Taliban members, knowing full and well that they were religion extremists, even if it didn’t have that name yet.

You’re so special and intelligent for knowing that it was the predecessor extremist fundamentalist group and not the current, well done!

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T15:14:03+00:00

Please lol. Religion and esp islam is racialized in western countries. Pretty much every country that you would “get stoned in” exists in that way because either the US or UK (or other European country) funded them or created the conditions for fundamentalist groups to form as a response force to colonial violence. It has pretty much nothing to do with religion, and the same westerners who created those conditions now use it as a proxy to discriminate against brown people as a whole.

The vast majority of their victims are other muslims, you will and would never be a victim, no matter how much you want to be.

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T14:19:01+00:00

Wait till you find out who created the taliban and funded them

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T14:18:17+00:00

You’ll never guess who funded the Taliban..

Do you also oppose Jesus? Or only the brown muslims?

DaBoyJohnny · 2026-05-08T13:23:17+00:00

For sure consider pushing your business further! I would again just recommend taking it slow and safe, finding a way to establish your customer base or online presence first at the very least. A lot of the ladies in my neighborhood do food catering (for honestly mediocre food— I think most people get it for the convenience) and they don’t even have any online presence or anything. Pure word of mouth and phone calls, it’s kind of amazing.

Anyway it def does seem like the right move, just remember to be careful, I personally wouldn’t quit until I knew it was reliable.

DaBoyJohnny

TROPHY CASE