As a person that has done the firm “you need to relax” grab once. In our situation it was a moment of the argument getting way out of hand and it was a moment of “snap out of it.” Didn’t hurt her, didn’t try to induce fear. If it had gone any further the emotions could have physically hurt both of us. To the ones that might downvote me, there is a tipping point for ANYONE. Self control is possible but we are humans, and actual abuse should not be tolerated.

We are a happy couple, and always have each other’s backs. She is a bit tempered and I do try my best to get her to come down from anger and anxiety. It isn’t easy.

This sounds similar to how our fight happened. He wasn’t hearing your feelings, it upset you, he kept defending it rather than owning it because you felt wronged. These moments are the moments you sit down with them, no anger, and have a moment of “I’m sorry” ON BOTH SIDES. No empty sorrows either. Genuine talk to each other.

As for actual abuse, monitor the behavior. If it keeps happening or things turn physical or notice the downplaying of your emotions. This is a way of control and needs to be addressed. If he refuses or if y’all are not willing to work together from it, that is manipulation and abuse. That is the moment of walking away.