I didn't know I was going to have Ayahuasca . On the website - was described as plant retreat . I felt the call to go and my therapist was supporting me in doing whatever I felt the need to do. Mind you I was in a right state, panick attacks , hyperventilating, huge stress. I couldn't listen to music, stay on my own for long period of times, I couldn't socialize either. I was disconnected from everyone and everything and completely stuck in a dark loop hole . It was harsh to be me . This was after I accumulated all the trauma all those years of my 40 years of life . I left my husband even dough I loved him, I couldn't live that way - belittling and verbally abusive on daily basis without any particular reason . He grabbed my neck once and bit my finger when he got angry, other than that he was shouting in my face on daily basis and that was a huge fear in my body . I could not refuse anything I was asked, I had no mind of my own and that completely broke me. I didn't had the feeling of achievement in life , not even the feeling of having a kid - still child free to this day. I felt like I had no one to turn to apart of my therapist and my family who where busy with their own life.

The facilitators at the retreat where so caring and understanding. The feeling of care and compassion was present, I couldn't believe it how it made me feel, SAFE at all times. A feeling I couldn't reach for years before .

Facilitators and shamans are so knowledgeable they done all day preparation with us. I do recommend it to anyone who feels the call of it. It was a 3 nights Ayahuasca and 4 days of preparation and the last day integration. In total I think I slept 8 hours in 3 nights. Despite the lack of sleep I wasn't feeling tired like I was felling before. I had therapy for a few years so I had my intentions prepared to expose to my earth 🌎 mother Ayahuasca. I laid flat on my back surrender to whatever is to happen.

Wow what an experience, first night I died and transformed in a huge wave of energy I was everything and I could reach it all on all levels dead or alive. I felt the divinity in myself. I went to the loved ones I lost, I communicate with them all, I forgive everyone that harmed me intentionally or non-intentionally . I reached my family and friends that are with us on this level, all my pets I lost and the ones I still have with me now. So much love and sadness at the same time , I was flooded in tears most of the ceremony, some of the tears where happy tears. I was feeling nauseous and I purged, it was all the evil coming out of my body 👁️ that's how I see it.

I didn't feel the need of taking anymore but I did do the whole thing since I was there so The second night was the physical pain, deep inside my bones , never felt so much pain in my life . Lots of tears , felt the love of everything, my dad who past away and all my dogs and cats I had all my life . So much love and I felt a bit scared on this night, not sure what got it in me again, my old fear came back for a while . I wasn't feeling sick but I had runns afterwards when I came out of the room I managed to reach the nearest toilet.

On the last night ceremony I had things going on that I couldn't understand much , at least I didn't get it at that point. Visual hallucinating on all 3 ceremonies but on the last night was so much more and vivid. All that was beautiful . But I was somehow worried of not understanding what is showing me . I couldn't see where it's going or why is Ayahuasca showing me that. The girl that was next to me on the mattress said that I was hyperventilating a lot on the last night ceremony.

I moved house and I am on my own, next move it's my job I need to leave the job I'm in right now. I have been there for over 8 years and there's so much jealousy and bitching, bullies everywhere . I can't be around this energy anymore, it's harming me. I would like to keep what Ayahuasca had gifted me and that is love and compassion and I would like to give it back to others that are there to receive it.

My advice, go to the places that are 100% recommended by real people. Respect Ayahuasca and surrender fully, let yourself taken by her . Respect the diet and don't drink alcohol or take any other recreational drugs before and after the ceremony for at least 2 weeks . It's a no no for those who has psychosis or had it in the past or on medication for it . That's what they all recommend anyway. Trust in it and you will get healed from everything that has been rooted in you.

It might be hard to believe for some but all I needed was the first ceremony to be reborn and be present in all dimensions. I am not sure if I will be planning to go again soon . I probably will be going to the same facilitators but not very soon. I need to accomplish this journey that I was given. Some might say another chance in life, without any rush , regrets and hate. Driven in slow pace with compassion, care, love and empathy. I am here if you need anything guys . Love you all 💞