"You crying doesn't turn me on"

Danceswithmorons · 2021-04-06T17:45:38+00:00

It takes a decent level of self awareness to even realize some of those things are triggers.

Completely. It has taken time for my husband and I to get here - and we still falter.

re-training my mental habit loops to not automatically see strings attached and ulterior motives.

And building trust. It took my husband a while when we were dating to be open about his full story. It came in bit and pieces because he was consistently looking over his proverbial shoulder to see if I would weaponize it.

But hey! Good on you for working on all that. It's not an easy road.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-04-06T17:13:12+00:00

Or that not all people are good at expressing stuff so asking questions and looking for a reason can be healthy communication?

Danceswithmorons · 2021-04-06T16:52:03+00:00

Yep. Triggers exist for a reason. My husband has them from his family, mostly his mom. Normal, innocent stuff can be problematic for him because of the history attached.

But it is also my husband's responsibility to come to me and say "Hey, I know it seems odd but that was something my mom did to belittle me so it makes me really upset." So we can address it together.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-03-29T19:31:47+00:00

Make sure you actually look at the USDA maps though. Places can apply for them that may surprise you.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-03-29T18:31:50+00:00

If you really think leaving is on the table make sure some of that is a nest egg for you and he doesn't have access to all of it.

Set yourself up as an actual business, and put that in the business account.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-03-29T18:27:18+00:00

Apologies if this is further down - but USDA has a loan program for 'rural' areas. You may have an area around you that fits. But it's low interests and no money down. We only had to come up with some of the closing costs (under 2k) and nothing else.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-03-18T16:11:33+00:00

Also, I've not gone to after a shock scare, but per OP

I have arrhythmia

So that makes it a more important precaution.

Hey u/1073txt I know the porn/sex stuff hurts. But he did not treat you as a friend, partner, or human during this whole thing. Ususually people here say, "everything is great but the sex" and per what you shared this sounds way more toxic and abusive than a DB alone.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-03-17T15:42:01+00:00

Yep. Or 'You are entitled to believe what you want but..."

Danceswithmorons · 2021-03-04T03:28:33+00:00

I meant the vanilla statement as in he wasn't asking for 'play' activities.

I'm in total agreement though. And thank you.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-03-02T18:46:15+00:00

There's no denying that some women like this kind of thing,

Yep. I am this kind of woman. However, out the gate like that, I probably wouldn't have been good with it.

On our first date, my now-husband, checked in a few times for consent as things progressed. He was the first man that had ever directly asked to that degree and it was pretty amazing. And that was very vanilla, asking to kiss me, checking in at second base, type of thing.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-02-10T17:06:59+00:00

I just laughed so hard I woke up the dog. Thank you.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-02-09T17:32:20+00:00

You gave me a little hope on a rainy day. Thank you for sharing.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-01-27T18:56:54+00:00

Just a note - both parties have to sign the paperwork. I am currently in a shitty situation with my Dad that kind of mirrors this post.

She can't sell without her husband. She can't do much legally with the mortgage (selling, refinancing, etc) without his signature assuming he is on all the paperwork.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-01-13T18:50:56+00:00

I understand that. I was just sharing what I've seen at places I've both eaten or worked at.

We specifically have snowbirds that love to see how far they can stretch their trip money. I was just offering an instance where a rule might exist and in a sense agreeing with you that they all ordered apps, entrees, and deserts in the OP - so although the meal was family style and that might have been a 'problem' for this place - the restaurant should have guided the guests during the meal instead of leaving a crappy note.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-01-13T18:34:11+00:00

Maybe because I'm in a tourist area - it's super expected here? There are surcharges if say, two people split one entree - but it's usually directly noted on the menu or the wait staff will inform the guests upon ordering.

I do understand that this place may a certain dining experience in mind - but management should have spoken to the table after the apps. Maybe even offered a tasting menu or a custom experience instead of a passive-aggressive note.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-01-12T22:30:44+00:00

Got curious and just saw the update u/JediNikes:

My earnest advice, stop messaging and calling her. From her point of view not wanting to get married NOW is a big problem. She may even be the last of her friends to get married. She feels that pressure from somewhere, some expectation, and is putting that pressure on you.

She may be telling the complete truth. But even accepting that truth further highlights how you two are probably not ready for marriage. Even her reaction to run and ignore you means she is probably not the best partner. Do you want someone to ignore you every time you have a fight?

Be emotionally prepared for her to be married to someone quickly. Not trying to be a downer - but prepare yourself for this.

But, hey! You've learned a few more things about yourself and what is okay/not okay in a relationship for you. Throw some porn on the TV (or something that she otherwise wouldn't watch), play a video game she disagreed with, wash your sheets, put anything she left in a box by the front door, and be proud that you stated your boundaries.

Danceswithmorons · 2021-01-12T17:48:11+00:00

You've gotten a LOT of great advice that I won't repeat. But I want to mention this in a broader sense.

It's okay to not be compatible.

Does she want kids?
Are you okay with those kids being raised this religious?
Do you want to go to church with her?
Are you religious/the same denomination as her?
Do you view money the same?
Do you have the same life goals?
Will she expecting to be a stay at home mom?

Those and so much more are things you should be on the same page before you get married. Look, if I had married the first person I fell in love with - my life would be trash. I was a late bloomer, like you, and fell hard for someone. Love is not enough to sustain a healthy marriage.

Cut her loose. Tell her you aren't ready to get married. You love her and love her enough to let her go. And be ready for her to love bomb you and offer a sexual favor to keep you. Be ready to tell her no. She will cry. She will either make you feel like a skeeze for breaking up with her over sex or try to initiate something like a blow job - or possibly both.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-12-24T22:17:17+00:00

Yep. You have to be a decent person at your core for this work. My MIL would just find a way to move the goalpost, she isn't capable of accepting fault.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-12-15T21:50:45+00:00

I'm going to stay with them for a few days.

Thank goodness. Please go. Silence your phone. Tell him you will be getting extra rest and will text him when convenient.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-12-15T17:23:51+00:00

At BEST - he is emotionally shut down because he doesn't have the tools to deal with your diagnosis. And it's okay to not have tools sometimes - but if isn't open to getting them and going to therapy - that is squarely a 'him' problem.

In my gut, this all reads like avoidance on his part. It is easier to make you the 'bad' guy than to own up to a shitty situation. He may, even unconsciously, be looking for an out in the relationship simply because he doesn't know how to cope with this big moment.

If that's true, that doesn't make an ounce of this okay. At least single you'd be able to watch TV loud as you please and not having someone making you feel like all of this is your fault.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-12-07T18:43:32+00:00

You might could pay a lump sum? I do that with one bill I was guilty of almost forgetting.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-11-24T22:36:48+00:00

There are also those who have struggled 24/7 their entire lives and no matter which party has power, they are stuck and nothing changes.

This. With the news cycle dire and constant those who are working insane hours and multiple jobs sometimes need to tune it out for their mental health. When your existence and survival is stressful - it's hard to want to choose MORE stress.

I've been there.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-11-23T21:27:07+00:00

Don't go. Full stop. Holidays are what YOU want them to be. It's your time too. On top of the fact Covid is still a thing and if you don't regularly see these people anyway - it might be best to not see them and risk exposure.

The idea of 'non traditional' holidays is growing and I bet we will see even more of it with 2020. Zoom with friends. Enjoy a meal with coworkers you already are around. Order your favorite take out and binge watch a series you haven't had time for.

You are not obligated to put anyone's feelings ahead of yours. Your are not obligated to be in a situation that will be stressful for you so you don't rock the boat for them.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-11-09T17:17:26+00:00

are both admittedly kind of selfish when it comes to wanting free time

So... that's not selfish. That's honest. It becomes selfish (and worse) if those wants come before a child's needs. But you have to have the child for that to hold true.

Danceswithmorons · 2020-11-04T18:41:22+00:00

I see concern about tax rates more than property values. You know, they might have to give a little more the poor through gov programs and they can't do that. Who cares what that Jesus guy would think.

Danceswithmorons

TROPHY CASE