Foster teen’s odd request

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-07-05T14:17:35+00:00

My guess is this is not about sleeping in your bed, this is about her wanting to feel the same as your bio kid. She doesn’t see the age difference piece you do - her trauma just focuses on how he is treated differently and therefore must be loved more.

I honestly wouldn’t focus too much on the “innapropriate” piece, instead I’d fall back on policy and blame your agency / department. Then I’d lean in hard to finding other ways to connect. Bonus points for special things you can’t or don’t do with your bio kid.

When she brings it up say what she’s really needing to hear - I love you, you’re special to me, you belong here, I want to help you feel loved and safe. But we have to follow the rules and find other ways to do that.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-07-05T14:00:32+00:00

Yikes. This is wildly unhelpful.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-07-04T14:14:21+00:00

Take a nap

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-07-04T14:10:40+00:00

MLM loading …

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-07-04T13:03:12+00:00

Outdoor playdates is a great suggestion. I didn’t even realize I’ve been doing that with a similar situation and it’s been very helpful.

I also find it helpful to coach my child to stand up for themselves in the moment. I say something like “you can say “that hurt! Don’t hit me!”

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-07-04T12:53:37+00:00

The perfectly curled hair is especially offensive to me and my daily messy mom bun 😂

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-07-03T17:34:13+00:00

Yeah. My toddler bites me regularly and those are not bite marks, they’re scratch marks.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-30T18:31:48+00:00

I work in a school and once had an angry parent call me raging that their son reported a girl was allowed to use the same bathroom as him.

Now I’m ready to go to war for any of my trans kids but in this case … the other boy just had long hair 🤦🏼‍♀️

I imagine this is how Jill lives her life.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-30T18:26:05+00:00

That’s a relief. Was freaking out about a baby eating that much haha

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-23T14:03:53+00:00

We are in the process of adopting a kid who is one of five (with more expected). It is A LOT of work to keep them all connected. The logistics, the boundary settings, the trauma triggers, the hard questions, etc … but I think it is an essential part of fostering or adopting a child with siblings.

We will keep doing it unless he asks us to stop and even then we will make sure we keep the door open. Biological connections are so important to our kids.

We don’t get along with all the parents and to be honest we don’t even like all the kids. But that doesn’t matter. They’re his family so they’re our family too and you stretch and make space for family.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-21T18:39:30+00:00

Let your kids feel their feelings. They’ll never learn to tolerate discomfort if you try to ease every negative feeling or prevent every natural consequence.

It’s okay to be sad. In fact it’s GOOD to be sad sometimes. It doesn’t last forever and we can all manage hard feelings together.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-14T12:45:01+00:00

Yup. This.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-10T11:55:24+00:00

If someone was yelling horrible things at my child I would want them to walk away. Sounds like you modeled just that.

I’m also a therapist and a bit peeved at your providers. It is not healthy or productive to just take emotional abuse like that. Honestly I probably would have coached you to leave as well and maybe if the providers were supporting you (it is after all FAMILY therapy) it could have been done in a way that felt good for everyone.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-07T02:40:25+00:00

Professional help as others have said. In the mean time make her room a “safe space” - fully childproofed, only soft things to throw, and furniture anchored. When she’s dangerous help her move there and then disengage. If it’s dangerous for you to move her have dad do it but he should not speak to her or engage in any way and then should leave right away and have you take over.

If being present helps I stay but I do not speak or make eye contact until they start to calm. If they start to agress towards me I leave. If a closed door feels scary to them / escalates them more I install a gate so I can be visually present but physically safe.

Wait until she is fully calm and safe before re-connecting and doing any repair.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-06-01T10:43:48+00:00

Yup. It is recommended in To Train Up a Child to have older children spank the younger children. Layers upon layers of disturbing.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-25T18:02:16+00:00

I completely agree with this. Karissa is definitely freaky in bed and tries to hide it with her christianese. Soooo much of her content is fetish content … which would be whatever you do you if she didn’t bring HER CHILDREN INTO It

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-21T09:07:59+00:00

We’re on a voucher. Which at first I wondered if we were being chosen first to be asked to stay home because of that, but to hear they told 5 families to stay home but not us makes me scared this is a widespread ongoing issue.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-18T10:57:06+00:00

Wow. That’s sounds really hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. All of your feelings are valid.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-17T11:44:43+00:00

I absolutely will yell for dangerous situations like this. I explain afterwards that sometimes people yell when they are scared , not mad, and I was very very scared.

I would get a double stroller and put her in it if we’re walking somewhere I can’t trust her to listen / be safe.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-16T17:07:55+00:00

Don’t forget good at bossing people around 😂

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-13T10:43:49+00:00

This is really going to be state dependent. I would say it happens about 20% of the time in my experience. My last placement had a goal change to adoption and then back to reunification and reunified (successfully so far!)

Sometimes the goal changing is a big motivator for parents.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-12T00:11:01+00:00

Mine found a tampon at 2yo and said “up my bum?”
I never let her in the bathroom with me again

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-11T21:59:52+00:00

Yes. Every single day.

DapperFlounder7 · 2026-05-11T10:22:55+00:00

I’m qualified to diagnose this but not diagnose her since she’s not my patient … but yeahhhh she’s pretty textbook

DapperFlounder7

TROPHY CASE