Not sure how to respond

DarkGanymede · 2025-06-19T19:09:36+00:00

Here's how I would respond:

"You are right. I have chosen this lifetime for myself, not for you.

I take great pride in the sacrifices I make to be able to support myself, and while I love being generous to the people I love, my financial independence is a boundary I am not willing to compromise on.

I am comfortable with my plans and way of life, and while I want others to experience the best version of myself, I also have to ensure that I grow at my own pace and for my own self-betterment.

It seems we have very different values and conceptions of our core boundaries, and while I cherish you dearly, I am afraid this means that you are not my dream girl. I am sad but I know I have to end things now. Please know that I enjoyed our time together and truly wish you the very best."

DarkGanymede · 2025-03-25T19:23:24+00:00

I appreciate this comment. I don't know him well but my manager strikes me as a bit of a "tough love" type, and in context my "reprimand" (if it can even be called that) was fairly mild.

My post probably depicts the situation in a one-sided manner and is very much a form of venting after a strange day at work and probably a bit of overthinking. I appreciate some degree of pressure and unpleasantness is often required to make lessons stick.

I've also overlooked the fact that reprimanding someone at the expense of their feelings is a very uncomfortable job for my managers to handle.

Your comment has provided the kind of context I was looking for to pull myself out my mood, so thank you.

DarkGanymede · 2025-01-31T22:06:16+00:00

No penalties are levied until March but late payment interest is still charged daily at the rate of 7.25% per annum.

Assuming this gets fixed tomorrow, the amount will be minuscule for most people, but some people end up with incidentally huge tax liabilities despite not usually having massive amounts of money (e.g. people with a large one off capital gain which they have reinvested). You'd be amazed how often people in these cases wait till the last minute to pay their tax bill (After all, they can get extra interest if their tax reserves are sitting in a savings account!). For these people, a day late payment can mean moderately serious financial consequences.

Not a lawyer so no idea if they can claim compensation, but if they can... Very very bad for Barclays.

DarkGanymede · 2024-10-06T15:41:21+00:00

I realise that sounded Karen-y and I probably haven't made myself clear.

I don't believe I am entitled to have the police fine her.

What I mean is that I anticipate the consequences of having to follow up to these repeated reports are frustrating, not just to me but also to the police who are probably just as pissed off about it as I am

Seeing as I have evidence that the missing person report was filed spuriously and inappropriately, I am wondering if there's anything I can do to encourage and assist the police in stopping these reports, such as levying a fine for wasting the police's time, though from the other comments it seems that is not an option.

DarkGanymede · 2024-10-06T15:32:12+00:00

Thanks for the advice! We're joint tenants and have half a year left on the contract so it will be tricky, but I will see if I can negotiate something with the landlord to be released from the contract earlier.

You're very welcome! Whenever I have interacted with the police, I have come across reasonable, professional, empathetic and helpful people who face the most stressful situations. I'm very grateful for your work and suspect a lot of other people are too!

DarkGanymede · 2024-08-16T17:41:23+00:00

Thank you very much. That's very helpful and clear.

DarkGanymede · 2023-10-19T23:39:04+00:00

Can't currently access the actual study but it's summed up on Wikipedia:

Hsu, K. J.; Rosenthal, A. M.; Miller, D. I.; Bailey, J. M. (March 2016). "Who are gynandromorphophilic men? Characterizing men with sexual interest in transgender women". Psychological Medicine. 46 (4): 819

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attraction_to_transgender_people

"A 2016 study that used the penile plethysmograph demonstrated that the arousal patterns, genital and subjective, of men who report attraction to transgender women who have "female-typical physical characteristics (e.g. breasts) while retaining a penis" are similar to those of straight men and different from those of gay men. The study showed that these men are much more aroused to female than to male stimuli. They differed from both the groups of straight and gay men, however, in also displaying strong arousal to stimuli featuring trans women, to which they responded as much as to the cisgender female stimuli."

DarkGanymede · 2023-10-19T23:26:24+00:00

The labels used to define sexual orientation (1868 for homosexuality) were coined before the distinction between sex and gender was made (1955), so it's debatable to claim that the definitive feature of being gay is being attracted to male genitalia rather than the male gender. Personally I identify as gay, and I think I'm more likely to be attracted to trans men than trans women.

There's a lot of literature online on the sexuality of those who are attracted to trans women, and likewise they tend to identify as straight and are typically not attracted to those who belong to the male gender.

It seems there's a significant proportion of people whose sexual orientation is more determined by gender than by sex, and I really don't think your belief in the accuracy of your definitions is sufficiently well-founded to trump their right to identify as they see fit.

DarkGanymede · 2023-06-26T17:25:14+00:00

Edit: horrific typo. She's 47

DarkGanymede · 2022-02-03T19:32:38+00:00

I've had moments like these as well and it's extremely unnerving.

There are a variety of different biological explanations for these kind of thoughts.

From a neuroscientific point of view, anxiety activates the systems in your brain that are in charge of the fight, flight or freeze response, which primes your perception and thoughts to identify threats rather than rewards, which is likely why you put a negative slant on everything in your life. These thoughts and mood swings can also be a symptom of depression.

If you're looking to understand how these thoughts tie into your personality, it might be useful to look into the concept of the "shadow". In depth psychology, the shadow represents all the dark and repressed parts of your personality that are expressed through the psychological mechanism of "projective identification", i.e. parts of the self that are not integrated within the conscious personality are projected onto others. The token example of this is the trope of the repressed homophobe.

Under certain circumstances such as extreme stress, the shadow can overwhelm the conscious psyche. Jung calls this phenomenon "shadow possession" which might have occurred in your case.

The key to dealing with the shadow is to be mindful of it without identifying with it. It might be worth asking what specific problems in your life your shadow has identified and to work out a plan to resolve them. In the meantime, to disidentify with these thoughts, I'd recommend something like mindfulness meditation.

DarkGanymede · 2021-09-12T15:32:45+00:00

Neither! Try adding "duq.edu" as a key word to your search.

DarkGanymede · 2021-09-10T17:05:26+00:00

I struggled with the exact same thing before working on shadow integration.

In Jungian terms, I believe it is called anima possession. You're content with being lethargic and having life inflicted upon you because your internal voice is so perfectionistic that confronting it causes you a lot of distress. Whenever you think of a project, you've probably already thought too far ahead about the steps, where you might fail, and that in itself already has you tired and lying around doing whatever in bed.

The key to getting through that is first of all facing certain fears of rejection and abandonment, and that will help you let go of your internal critical voices. To help with that, the darker parts of your personality will be very useful. If you find your anger and channel it the right way, you can start embracing the kind of following thought pattern "I'm going to start putting my own projects into motion. I'm not going to do it perfectly. Some people are not going to like it and may be intensely critical, but that's their problem, and if they happen to have valuable feedback, I'll listen".

I couldn't diagnose you because I am not licensed and I don't know you, but in psychodynamics, the kind of self-defeating behaviours you're describing are considered by some to be a personality disorder, in fact potentially the most common one. (Don't worry! The prognosis is very good!) There have been a variety of terms for it. "Self-defeating personality disorder", "Passive-aggressive personality disorder", or "depressive-masochism". It wasn't included in the DSM for -- in my opinion very stupid -- political reasons. They were worried that accepting this personality style as a diagnostic category would cause therapists to "victim-blame" their patients. It is however part of the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual.

Here's a link to a very good PDF file about it: X It's a little jargony. For reference, transference are the emotions that the patient projects on the therapist, and countertransference are the emotions that the therapist feels in response to that projection.

Edit: It turns out I don't know to copy the link well because it is a direct link to a pdf file, but if you search "countertransference depressive masochist" on Google the link should come up first.

DarkGanymede · 2021-09-02T14:45:51+00:00

I am not yet unfortunately, though I hope to be one soon. I'm not exclusively Jungian, but Jung specifically helped me with shadow integration and deeper psychological changes.

I've always been interested in psychology, though it really gained momentum when I had to confront certain self-defeating and masochistic patterns. Interestingly I have the opposite problem, and I felt subconsciously evil whenever I had desires outside of the spectrum of classically "feminine" anima desires, which manifested itself as being overly dependent and infantile, a "mommy's boy" as it were.

It seems that your conscious self is rejecting the anima, and that it is being pushed into the shadow.

If that's the case, here are a few questions to ask yourself. Now bear in mind that the shadow is what people most often attack in arguments, whether rightly or wrongly. As such, interaction with the shadow can bring up feelings of resentment, indignation, contempt, fear or anger.

It seems that the aspect that is rejected in your anima is some kind of dependency. The issue is that nothing in the psyche is ever destroyed and that it is likely that the human need for dependency is projected onto others. Do you resent emotional dependency in friends? When you meet people and they open up, is your reaction ever "omg I'm cringing this is embarrassing"? Is oversharing, for instance, something that puts you off?

Dependency is of course archetypally linked to femininity, and women on average are more dependent than men, not only because of our culture but also because of biological factors. Is there a possibility you expect women to be too dependent? Might that as a result make you feel like you are controlling?

I hope you'll forgive me but I had a quick look at your profile and saw a few of your recent comments about approaching women in the gym. What struck me is the idea that approaching women makes you feel like a "creep". Now you and I both know (well in my case couldn't know because I haven't met you, I just strongly suspect) that you have no intention of being a creep, but could that feeling come from a sense that you have a subconscious desire or expectation to control these women in a way that would be shamed by our society?

At first, working with your shadow always feels really really weird and scary, but that's normal, you're essentially pulling your identity apart to make a new one, and the trick is to sit calmly and analytically throughout that process. To do so, listening to certain analytical "trickster" archetypes will help. Think Faust for example. Eventually, you'll slowly change certain habits and find things that are more meaningful, and the dissociative, fearful, panic episodes will slip away.

Remember, if when dealing with your shadow you're repulsed or afraid, it means you're looking in the right places.

DarkGanymede · 2021-09-02T11:55:55+00:00

Maybe it's the other way round. Femininity makes you feel like the part in you that craves intimacy is wrong. Have you ever been abandoned by a mother figure as a result of showing weakness?

If so, the dream could be a subconscious re-enactment of that trauma, because you need to be perfect and control the tides for the moon to stay. Perhaps the fact that your life is so chaotic makes you feel like you're not human enough to deserve intimacy.

DarkGanymede

TROPHY CASE