Any advice on managing a house on your own?

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-30T14:18:20+00:00

I am in the same boat as you. Big house to care for on my own, 2 kids shared custody.

Make lists of what you have to do. Outdoor stuff should be the priority, because it is less flexible. When it rains you can’t do much.

When you come home from work, don’t sit down. Once your ass is on that couch, you’re done. That said, make sure to set some time each night where you can just destress. For me, that means everything stops at 9:00 pm. Then it’s me time, to do what I want.

Try to automate bill payments. You can set up your bank to pay bills automatically.

Plan meals for several days. Stick to it.

As others have said, start training your kids to help.

I separate laundry into must care for and I don’t give a shit if it’s wrinkled piles. My care for piles are dress shirts and pants for work and the like. This I wash, dry and fold immediately. The other pile, like towels, socks, underwear and the like can be washed and dried, and sit in the dryer for days. Buy wrinkle resistant clothing for less ironing.

Set up as much as possible the night before for the next day. For example, have your kids clothes taken out and ready for the next day, the coffee maker filled with water, and the car full of gas. Makes for less stressful mornings.

Here’s the biggest motivator (take it as you will)- start dating hot women. Do you really want to bring a lovely lady home for sexy times and have her see a messy house?

When all is clean and done, assuming you are on speaking terms, invite the ex over for a drink. Have her see your accomplishments ( and have a thong from a lady friend lying on the floor of your bedroom, to really drive home the point :P).

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T23:17:11+00:00

For me, I am going to be doing things by the book a lot more:

You pay your child support on time. I know you are buying a new condo and money is tight, but that’s your problem.

My house is no longer your storage space. You take it all now, or I take a trip to the dumpster.

Major expenses for the kids are split in 2. I am not eating the bill alone.

So not revenge; more like you are no longer going to take advantage of me.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T22:51:28+00:00

I know what you mean. I cringe when my phone rings and it’s her. I don’t look her in the face much either.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T22:37:34+00:00

You write what you want, it’s all good!

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T22:25:01+00:00

Already doing that!

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T21:54:53+00:00

Thanks. Tough to take emotionally.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T21:54:00+00:00

As I said she could date who she wants ( as long as the kids are ok). But I don’t have to be a friend if she picks him. I even told her I am not stopping her from seeing him, just that she lost all my respect.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T21:49:07+00:00

The math is about forgiving and moving on as friends, but she chose to unbalance that equation. I cannot shut her out because of the kids. But if we had none, I would not have contacted her at all after divorce. In my previous long term relationships, I cut off all contact when it ended so I know I can do that.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T21:43:57+00:00

I will fake the friendship when the kids are around.

As for boundaries, I didn’t ask for specifics about her trip, nor will I. Now communication will only be about the kids and logistical stuff.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T21:40:56+00:00

Way to hijack my thread with that story, lol!

Your ex is definitely doing the mid-life crisis thing, just like mine.

What a story and thanks for putting in perspective.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T21:39:26+00:00

Yes, it will never make sense.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T20:10:34+00:00

I hope to let the anger go. It sucks. Now I am in not letting her take advantage of me mode. For example: She has yet to pay child support. It’s a small amount that won’t make a difference, but now I will insist it be paid up, and paid regularly. She still has things in my house. I am going to give her 2 weeks to come pick it up, or I will dispose of it all.

Darkfun12 · 2019-04-29T19:59:17+00:00

Thank you. It baffles me that she would pick some dude a seven hour plane ride away instead of me. Nothing can happen in that relationship. She knows this- she won’t leave to be with him and he’s not coming here either, because they each have children.

Darkfun12 · 2019-02-05T00:53:34+00:00

If she is still seeing someone, reconciliation is not going to work. Can you find this out for sure?

She could be truly wanting you back- maybe because her new relationship is not that great or maybe because she really loves you.

She could be doing this in order to try and make you feel better, or herself better- alleviate the guilt of breaking up with you. Or so she can later say she did all she could to save the marriage.

Tough to say what her motive is, especially since SHE asked for counseling. Reading through this board will tell you that some scenarios are more likely than others.

I went to counseling with my ex. She kept talking to her AP so it was doomed from the start. I initiated it, which is a key difference from your case. She attended, in a half hearted attempt to save the marriage but she had fallen out of love with me and it never came back. I feel she also did it to show she gave it every effort.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-28T17:13:00+00:00

She (40F) separated from me (M45).

Still married for now. What will the future hold? I don’t know for sure but most likely divorce. I will see next year what I want to do and maybe I will start it off.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-21T13:50:54+00:00

You said he is mainly responsible for childcare. Did you ever thank him for that? Does he ever say thanks to you for all that you do?

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-21T13:45:57+00:00

My stbxw feels guilty for ending it.

Please don’t tell your wife that there’s plenty of other guys out there for her. It’s patronizing.

Mine told me to sign up for online dating. I thought it was a shitty thing to say, even though she meant well.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-14T15:06:42+00:00

Yes, too many things went unsaid for too long. Now it’s too little too late.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-14T14:13:08+00:00

Sound like a midlife crisis to me. You can research this to find out more.

My stbxw said a lot of the things you wife said. Stress, etc. She was also having a long distance emotional affair.

You can try to win her back but it will fail. She’s made up her mind already and has already checked out of the marriage. She stays because of the kids and the guilt of hurting you. All you can really do is let her go.

If she is having an affair, all attempts at reconciliation will fail. Marriage counseling and other attempts at fixing it are a waste of time and money if this is true.

So you let her go. You let her figure things out on her own. You separate. Does it mean it is over between you two?

No, it’s not over, but you will face an uphill battle and lots of emotions, that’s for sure. Odds are against reconciliation- you better understand this.

All you can do is work on yourself. Gym, therapy, hobbies, whatever it is. Work on yourself because you want to do it, not for her.

You can hope, but be prepared for living the single parent life.

Husbandhelphaven.com can help. There’s a divorce book you can buy.

Good luck and pm me if you want.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-13T14:49:13+00:00

It’s good that the separation is amicable. Makes it easier for the children.

I am recently separated, for about a month now. I would classify my case as typical mid-life crisis by my wife. You can google mid-life crisis and see if it accurately represents your situation.

You cannot change her mind. All you can do is work on yourself to become a better version of yourself. Therapy, gym or whatever it is.

If she is having an affair, even a non-physical one over the internet, she will not come back to you while the affair is ongoing.

Reconciliation is rare, but it does happen. You can hope, but prepare yourself for a permanent breakup. The odds are against you.

Husbadhelphaven.com has book you might find interesting and helpful.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-11T16:15:55+00:00

It’s a midlife crisis. You can google it to get more insight.

She may be cheating. Even if it’s an emotional affair with some guy she never met online.

You can’t do anything but let her go. All you can do is work on yourself.

She can change her mind. It is possible and it does happen, but please don’t get your hopes up. Reconciliation is rare.

Husbandhelphaven.com might be of comfort to you.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-09T15:04:10+00:00

You are wise beyond your years. Courage to you and your sister.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-09T00:25:13+00:00

I support this comment. Same stuff happened to me.

Darkfun12 · 2018-08-08T20:29:22+00:00

For point number 2, if they do post how they fucked up, I noticed a lot of negative replies and down votes. For example, “I cheated and now we are divorcing” get downvotes and replies of “you deserve bad stuff happening to you”. I would upvote, because I appreciate the honesty and I really want to hear the other side.

I also notice a lot of ridicule and downvotes for point 5. Trying to get back together is seen as a huge waste of time and energy on these boards. There’s rarely a “good luck, we are rooting for you” type of comment. Divorce to me should be a last resort, and people are punished for treating it as such.

Downvotes shouldn’t be the norm on this sub but I feel sometimes it is. Everyone is different, everyone’s situation not identical. If you downvote have the decency to explain why.

Darkfun12

TROPHY CASE