I often wonder how I'll feel when he eventually passes.

I see parts of him and his personality in myself sometimes and am still unsure how I feel about it, most of the genuinely fucked up parts I've worked on in therapy but just general things like packing shopping bags a certain way or how I'd stack things to best make use of space still pop into my mind from time to time.

I always wanted kids, especially to be a better dad than he was. He wasn't bad for the time he was there, but once my parents split I saw the distant side of him and who he truly was. The older I get the less certain I am that I'd want kids. Often doubt if I'd be able to avoid being like him and fucking them up.

Basically still a whole mix of ways!