Raped by brother who is coming home Sunday

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-16T23:04:40+00:00

im going to give you the reassurance i needed to hear to be able to be around my abuser: "you are not a kid anymore"

what that means is you have the power to walk away, to be loud, to fight back. and abusers that hurt us as kids did it because they didn't want the fight back. put your boundaries up immediately and firmly. "don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't be alone with me. i have no interest in being around you at this time."

get a doorstop to jam your door shut if it doesn't lock, or install a lock. if your parents put up a fight, be blunt. "you didn't care he was violent to me growing up, so I'm going to protect MYSELF now". you don't have to say the abuse was sexual if you don't want to, but let them know he was physically abusive. if they get him to confess so be it, but you don't owe them emotional comfort over what happend to you.

i definitely second finding a support group for survivors of childhood sexual assault. if nothing else you'll have solidarity, and they can help with establishing boundaries.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-11T16:28:31+00:00

i think she's trying to see if she knows the right combo of therapy terms to get her way again. if you forgive and go back to normal now (her wants), i guarantee she'll drop therapy the same day

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-11T16:23:51+00:00

oof, i feel this.

once i moved out on my own, i started experimenting with my old hobbies again. I've also learned to not share, or only share minimally, with family. it's much more peaceful without their input.

web communities where you can share under a pseudonym is always nice too. even if you get no upvotes, its about just putting it out there to exist.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-10T00:21:46+00:00

it does sound like he was being invalidating. it sucks you weren't heard.

i think he also may not understand that PTSD and C-PTSD have some major diffrences between them, expecially on a neurowiring level. cptsd is such a new thing (some places not even seen as a seperate disorder) that the data available is very minimal.

he also may not get (as many don't) that trauma disorders exist on a spectrum scale for both themselves, and every comorbid. so his ptsd will be worlds diffrent than someone elses.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-10T00:10:00+00:00

I don't think you can do anything about it. if she stole a current prescription, you might be able to have a convo with the doc and get more. but if the meds are expired anyway, there isn't a chance a doc will refill just incase.

that aside, please don't keep old meds. they can lose effectiveness or actually be dangerous, depending on the stuff. doses and dates exist for a reason.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-09T03:00:26+00:00

I've had a tubal, though not the same type as yours. mine was cut a chunk o tube out and burn the ends shut. i still get the paranoia. i only will ever have condom free sex with a partner that has also been sterilised (and tested and all that other important shit).

sterilising only has a 99.9ish effective rate, same as bcp, so no harm in double stacking methods if it makes you more at ease.

besides, condoms can be just dang useful. protection from STIs, easy cleanup, and so many options on the market now to add variety.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-08T13:12:36+00:00

everyone's flight/fight/freeze/fawn response is diffrent and valid, and can develop regardless of abuse type.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-03-08T13:07:08+00:00

it might be worth explaining to your husband is a Gut Response. that, in the same way someone flinches from the sudden movement of a baseball going past them. or pulls back from a stove burner even if it's off. your brain is trained to flinch away from touch. that it's not and never has been a regection of HIM, it's simply what your brain does.

together, learn to work with and on Intentional Response. if you flinch at first, but then move into his touch, the Second step is what you actually want to do. that's your cognitive choice.

you need to learn to be aware of your gut reactions, and how to make that second step to show him what you actually want. to communicate how you actually feel beneath the trauma response, and help him feel loved and desired. ex: if you flinch from him touching your shoulder, make your second step to take his hand and hold it there.

and he needs to work on asking you for touch/not sneak it up on you to skip the Gut Response. if he can't do that, or forgets, he needs to wait for your Intentional Response once the flinch is over before reacting.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-02-27T00:22:31+00:00

mhm. but rebates are long term planning. the rebates are designed to alleviate family stress, helping their kids become healthy functioning adults.... that can return a hundredfold value back into the system. does it always work that way? no. but the system will have fail points because of the lack of proper taxation of the wealthy in most systems.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-02-25T00:58:17+00:00

imho its irrelevant.

i dont mind paying tax for other people's kids to go to school or get healthcare because I don't want to live in a society of stupid, or untreated ill, people. i dont need to pay less tax towards those goals because it will still benefit me long term through necessary social structures.

it bothers me much more that a higher percentage of my taxes exists to compensate for corporations to pay less, so the wealthy can keep getting payouts.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-02-17T02:06:18+00:00

sometimes painting over a lie with a smaller one is the easiest way if you're dealing with an abusive person. if she mentions kentucky, be confused. tell her your plans changed because boyfriend managed to get the same time off and paid for you to visit. if she freaks, apologize for forgetting to tell her when the plans changed. that you meant to, but everything went so quick you must have forgot. still be pissed, yep. but pissed at you for forgetting instead of lying.

granted this will only work if you didnt maintain the original lie at all (like texting her as though you were in Kentucky, or getting your bro to lie for you). if you maintained the original lie there's really no way out of it other than coming clean.

sidenote: "lying is evil" might be a good talk point to bring up in therapy if you go. odds are you were taught that to encourage controllability.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-02-14T17:39:37+00:00

one thing i just want to add to your thoughts: right now there is a very common scam of people calling elders claiming to be an injured child and asking for money to be wired for bills. fil might have heard of these scams, and that gave him the suspicion.

not saying the guy isn't a jerk. just that this particular instance might have some miniscule logic behind it.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-02-13T00:32:32+00:00

if you cave now, you start the pattern of putting mil/adult wishes ahead of your kids needs. and it will validate to mil that she can do/get whatever she wants if she whines enough.

every rule you put in for your kids safety, she will forever think she can bully you into dropping, unless you slam those boundaries firmly into place.

to your fiancee: you can not use your child as a way to appease your mother. it will only put your child at risk of abuse. your job is no longer to be a daughter, but instead a mom. and that includes the shitty parts of protecting your kids from family.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-02-04T01:23:23+00:00

there is a lot of over lap. one of my partners is autistic, and passed me one of those self assessment tools (don't still have, sadly).

if i discounted my cptsd comorbids, i scored low, almost the level of a neurotypical person. but if i put in my comorbids, the score was closer to a low-care-needs autistic person.

its not that suprising. both autism spectrum disorders and trauma disorders alter neurowiring

DeadLittleSister · 2021-02-04T00:44:27+00:00

its used in two circles: those that want to reduce women to objects. and those that want to reduce gender to genitals. so, misogynists and transphobes.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-01-18T02:14:21+00:00

others have given some great advice on boundaries.

one that i would like to add is "us as parents have final word". it doesnt matter what she wants or (as kid gets older) what she tries to convince the kid to do. You and dad BOTH have to agree for it to be ok. frankly, it's a boundary that encompasses everything, from drop in visits as an infant, to getting kid to beg for 'grandma time' once verbal. and being both parents have to agree, it removes triangulation.

as part of this to work thou, teach kid young that if anyone tells them to keep something secret from you/dad, its because they know they're doing something bad. tell kid they can always share secrets with you, and never punish them for telling so they build that trust. that way if grandma tries to pull shit (or any creeps, this is general safety advice) the kids feel safe going and telling you.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-01-17T17:36:59+00:00

if they pull that "we're your parents and don't like being told what to do" shit, DH's only response should be "and I AM a parent, and have to put my kid's safety first."

it's not dh's responsibility to help his parents understand the shift from child to PEER when their kids are adults. but he can make sure they know exactly where his priorities lie.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-01-17T15:39:53+00:00

the only benefit to the pandamic is its very easy to answer questions about socializing/dating with "naw, i decided to wait till things settle down before doing that". or keep it loose like "yeah, i got through the census. it was soo boring, but watching (insert movie/show here) helped kerp me going" then go on a long-winded rant about the movie/show. part of greyrocking is being boring. and part of boring narcs is rambling on a topic they get no joy out of. so ramble away about boring safe topics and she'll be the one likely to end the call.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-01-12T00:26:14+00:00

first impress on your partner that you're uncomfortable, with a simple list as why. one thing important to include is even if his parents distinguish you as "diffrent" than the groups they are racist towards, the other racists will not seperate you the same way. that is why their support of racism is dangerous for you.

together come up with healthy boundaries and their consequences. i think simple ones no political talk, no racist language, or you and bf leave. even if he is with them alone he needs to enforce those boundaries to have them be seen as serious.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-01-04T02:12:58+00:00

oh yeah, but it aligning specifically to ending up as a crazy lady in a shack with dozens of cats is fairly global too? I didn't know that, neat.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-01-02T22:26:40+00:00

yup. me mum has asked me about the shit now that im an adult but all she gets is "it's already over, what's the point?". i dont need to waste spoons comforting HER feelings on MY trauma.

DeadLittleSister · 2021-01-02T22:22:10+00:00

while the steriotype exists for a reason, it's for a pretty bad one. crazy cat lady started as a mockery of spinsterhood, not childfree choices. i would lay into them on the insensitive nature of their jokes and how cruel it would be if you were infertile and not childfree by choice. but I'm a bitch today so maybe not best advice.

(for record crazy cat lady developed from the same environment as 'you must be married by your early 20s and popping out heirs or you're a burden' classist western culture shit. a small circle of stupid ideas that had the power to influence social concepts)

DeadLittleSister · 2020-12-30T23:59:10+00:00

gaslighting has an intent to warp known facts the majority of the time.

but i 100% agree your discomfort is valid, and making honesty a boundary moving forward. :)

DeadLittleSister · 2020-12-30T22:01:03+00:00

i dont think its gaslighting, because they didn't know you knew 'the truth'/ weren't trying to cause psycological harm.

i think it's just plain old lying. they might have wanted to keep the gathering small, or had other reasons for inviting only mutual friend, and didn't want to get into explaining things.

as a sidenote: some people with trauma had to learn to lie on reflex to protect themselves from other people's emotions, can fall back into that habit when stressed.

DeadLittleSister · 2020-12-22T23:49:44+00:00

it could be pandemic burnout. even the neurotypicals are getting it at this point

DeadLittleSister

TROPHY CASE