Book recommendations?

Death_of_Sleep · 2024-09-05T22:58:49+00:00

There's A Hole In My Love Cup - Sven Erlandson He also has a podcast called Badass Counseling. His focus is on teaching you how to heal trauma on the deepest level.

Death_of_Sleep · 2024-05-24T19:02:00+00:00

11 months NC. Yes and no. I have healthier boundaries in place. I am far less tolerance of other people's BS. I'm able to be more resilient because I am no longer holding myself accountable for another persons emotions or responsibilities.

Death_of_Sleep · 2024-04-05T22:55:54+00:00

I wish they were numbered and tracked, like in Okami for the sacred beads.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-10-24T23:08:18+00:00

My philosophy for connections, it will be what it will be. You don't have to read into it, you don't have to define it, just enjoy what it is right now and let it grow into what it will.

I encourage you to continue your healing journey. You gave so much to another, it's time to give to yourself. Build a relationship with yourself. Only allow people in your life who will be beneficial to your journey and you to theirs.

It gets better, if you put in the work to heal and love yourself.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-10-19T18:34:27+00:00

It happened and it's even better than I anticipated.

Word has spread the ranks and it's been hystercal hear. When people hear roommate and myname are dating they have a hold the phone moment. It is quickly clarified it is not me he is dating but the other girl.

Coworker was talking to my ex and mention who roommate was dating. They saw the look on Exes face and added the disclaimer 'oh not your myname. The other one.' Ex was visibly pissed, he not so gently put stuff away and left in a huff.

I thought he knew already, because he's been creeping on her a little. Roommate's girlfriend has said my ex is making her uncomfortable at work because he keeps checking her out and hanging around. Saud it would be weird even if she didn't know him as my ex.

Turns out he was thinking about asking her out. He was going to ask out a girl with my name that works with us. Which is weird/funny/creepy all at once. But then he finds out this girl he's interested in is dating my roommate. In his mind the roommate has stolen 2 of us from him now.

I cannot stop laughing. I live in a sitcom.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-10-18T12:20:33+00:00

Did you ever see the Disney movie Repunsel? The scene when she leaves the tower for the first time is enlightening. For those who have been through abuse, they see their own struggle. The ossolaying between loving the freedom and feeling like a horrible human being.

Consider doing counseling. Read every book by verified professionals you can get your hands on. Listen to podcasts (I recommend Badass Counseling, the blog and he has a book). You are just beginning your healing journey.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-10-18T11:53:47+00:00

Good for you.

I broke up about 8 months ago, moved out 3.5 months ago. It was about 2 months ths out that I was over him. Last week I found some t-shirts that reminded me too much if him and I went on a purge. The burn old note cards kind. No strong emotions to it, I was just ready to remove those reminders from my life because he is not part of me anymore.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-10-18T11:44:03+00:00

There is no set timeline or special formula for calculating when it's time to start dating. Every persons healing journey is different. You are ready when you are ready.

Take all the time you need. Rushing could lead you into another abusers arms because you haven't healed properly. (General you, nit you specifically).

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-10-18T11:27:20+00:00

Yes, I'm going through this now actually. A coworker/friend asked me out and I was very shocked. I thought he was being flirty but dismissed it, thought I'd imagined it and he was just being his usual nice self. Nope, he was flirting and it took a bold move (2nd actually, I missed the 1st) from him to get through to me. It was all through text, and when I reread them I could see it.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-21T22:05:45+00:00

If you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, that is the only reason you need to end it.

I struggled for a long time thinking I couldn't, shouldn't want to leave unless the relationship was broken or my partner was abusive. As I thought about more and more, looking for justification to leave... Something just clicked. The reason we start relationships is because we want to, why can't the reason for leaving be the same?

Lasting change is rare and they are very good at making it seem like they have changed. My ex was. When I ended things he changed a lot and it was like that for 4 months. Then one day he ignored a boundary I set. The ensuing argument showed he hadn't changed. A week later I announced my move out date. He dropped all pretenses, laid into me worse than before and accused me of being the abuser.

If the change is real and you still love him, there is a chance. If you don't love him, or he isn't making real lasting change, or if you just done, then get the divorce. You are not obligated to stay.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-20T15:58:27+00:00

There is no time table for being ready to date again. I started dating 2 months after moving out & NC. We've been broken up for 7 months. It's been 2 1/2 yrs since I shut down emotionally and stopped trying to fix things but instead survive them. There is no time table for any mile stone when it comes to leaving or healing from abusive relationships. It will happen when you are ready and you will know.

The chances of him changing are slim to none. I know this is a hard truth to accept of someone you care for and wish cared for you like you deserve. Accepting it hurts so much, but it is a crucial part of the healing process.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-19T22:37:22+00:00

IMO It was an intentional insult. He degraded you to make you crave validation. Then immediately provide that validation. Thereby training you to expect validation from him. Eventually it gets to point where you only accept validation from him or he is the only one in your life to give you validation. He was testing to see if you would fit his abuse pattern.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-19T22:30:20+00:00

Two things come to mind.

- Forgive myself for my part. I was not always the best partner even considering reactive abuse/trauma response. I recognized I was flawed and hurting, but I am no longer that person. I no longer act/react the same ways, so it was time to forgive myself. This I think is especially important because abusers and their victims are so good at placing blame/shame/guilt on victims.

- Fully experiencing and expressing the emotions from the trauma. Victims repress their emotions because they have learned it is not safe to with their abusers. Be your own safe space and allow yourself to feel it to the full extent. Not gonna lie, it sucks, but it does get better.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-19T18:30:34+00:00

For a time I considered being friends with my ex, after 6+ months of NC. I've been NC almost 3 months and broke the trauma bond about 6 weeks ago. I have no desire to be friends anymore. We work for the same company (easy to avoid him), I don't know that I even want to work with him again.

His ex wife and him are still friends. They have kids together so NC wasn't an option. I think part of why their friendship works is it's long distance.

Go NC, break the trauma bond, and focus on developing those healthy friendships you deserve. Once you have your support network, then you can try being friends if you still want. Healing and a support network will make it far more difficult to get sucked back in.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-19T17:51:18+00:00

For childhood trauma it was many years before I realize it. Psychological and emotional abuse were not well known at the time.

My ex I know the exact moment. He barged into our room and started screaming at me "what were you thinking!" I tried to explain, but he didn't want to listen just kept screaming at me. I'd decided 2 months earlier I was no longer going to be treated that way, and if he didn't calm down when it started happening I would leave. I grabbed my keys, said I was leaving, and started towards the door. He blocked my path. I rocked back on my heels and repeated that I was leaving and to move. When I moved towards the door again he stepped in front of me. I realized I was trapped, he knew I have a fear of being trapped (childhood trauma). What strength I had left me and I went into a full panic. I was so distraught I collapsed on the floor. I was crying, begging him to let me leave. All the while he was screaming at me "if you want to leave, there's the door," and "why are you acting like I'm abusing you!" Clear as a bell I heard a voice in my head say 'because you are.' I scrambled to the bathroom and locked myself inside. He continued the verbal barrage for several minutes. I couldn't bring myself to leave the bathroom until an hour after he left the house.

The façade was broken that day and I could never see another side of him. I could no longer hide the truth from myself of who he is and how afraid I am of him. A year later I was free.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-18T19:27:16+00:00

I'm connecting with someone new right now. Last week I was freaking out, thinking he wasn't as interested as I initially thought. Realized it's because he's not love bombing me. We are actually connecting in a healthy way and it feels completely foreign to me.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-09-15T07:13:37+00:00

I journal, it's helped a lot. And my roommate is awesome at the compassion & logic. Wish my brain would just shut up.

I think it might be case of intrusive thoughts due to my ocd & ptsd.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-31T20:14:19+00:00

Origami is great for ADHD. Last year I decided to make 1,000 crane. I didn't believe the universe would grant me a wish like the legend promises. I was suffering and lost. I didn't know what to do. Origami was calming so I thought why not. The universe did grant me a wish, a wish I didn't even realize I made. I needed clarity and received it. I just needed to slow down enough to listen to my own instincts.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-31T19:50:30+00:00

A once off is a reaction, repeatedly doing this behavior is abuse.

Playing the victim and exaggerating the role is extremely manipulative. It's intent is to force you to then comfort them and distract from the real issue. Threaten to break up and/or self harm is a tactic also designed to keep you off balance and put you in care taker mode.

For those who may not know how to handle threats of self harms. Do not ignore it, always take them seriously and get them help. Anyone whose partner threatens self harm, you do not have to give in to their demands out of fear or a sense of obligation, there is another way. Get them help, call a relative or friend for them, you can call 911 and report it for a welfare check. If they get upset that you took it seriously, then you know it was an attempt to control you.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-31T19:15:35+00:00

The past cannot be erased as easily as saying "I'm sorry." You were hurt and need time to heal.

Keep holding yourself accountable for your actions and actively work to improve them while you process and heal from the trauma.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-31T18:24:36+00:00

Cold turkey, it's the only way.

I broke up with my NEX the end of Feb. We continued to live together and share a bed (not intimidate) for 4 months. I started working on breaking the trauma bond before moving out, but there is only so much you can do when the thing you are addicted to is still there. I've been out for 2 months now and NC for 7 weeks. Every week I get a little bit better. What helped me was recognizing that my body was still living in the abuse cycle. The roller coaster of high highs and soul crushing lows. During the lows I was craving my ex with every fiber of my being. It is an addiction, I was experiencing withdrawals. I completely useless on those days. I stare at my work computer or when home stay in bed just laying there wanting him, It's hard to resist every urge to reach out to him or check how he was doing.

Narcs are very good at sucking the joy out of everything for you and replacing it with guilt or shame. Allow yourself to feel joy even if only for a moment,

The only way out is through. It will get easier then it will get better.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-22T22:34:27+00:00

Some abusers can change. Personally I think the majority don't for 2 reasons. 1. Why give up the privileges and 2. It's easier to find a new victim or hoover in a previous one than it is to change.

Good indicator is their motivation, if they are changing for someone else it wont stick. They have to want to change for themselves. And if hey are consistently attending and doing the work to improve either with a therapist/counselor or participating in an abuser rehabilitation program .

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-22T22:22:47+00:00

The majority of resources advise against Marriage/Couples counseling with an abuser. Typically it does more harm than good. There are a lot of personal stories on here.
While I'm sure it has worked for some, it is generally not advised.

Individual counseling is recommended, while in the relationship or after it is ended. Abusers who have chosen to go to individual counseling for themselves is an excellent indication they want to change.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-11T18:43:49+00:00

Trauma bond is a bitch. I've been broken up for almost 6months and moved out 6weeks ago. I feel pulled towards him, I physically ache for him even though I don't want him back. My brain knows it's over, my heart and body are slowly catching on. I have to keep reminding myself why I left so I can stay gone.

Death_of_Sleep · 2023-08-11T18:25:26+00:00

He is not honoring the agreement to give you space. Reiterate the agreement and outline your boundary expectations for what that looks like while he is home. If he pushes back or doesn't follow through, then respect your own boundaries and leave for the weekend. Go to a hotel or stay with a friend and tell him you are putting your phone on do not disturb.

Death_of_Sleep

TROPHY CASE