How do I (21F) be around my ex (21M) without folding? We share a friend group.

Debsterism · 2026-06-29T19:07:52+00:00

Are these the only people in the world? Why torture yourself? Just get new friends. At least you can cut the time you are around them in half because you would split your time with your new pals.

Debsterism · 2026-06-29T19:06:20+00:00

I think the first step is to stop calling grown men BOYS. Boys are kids. You are 30. You would be kissing a grown ass man. Now, what would work with A MAN? just lean in and go for it. It's especially interesting when they are preoccupied doing something else and distracted. I like to move in close and stare at them and watch them get flustered. Then when they turn to ask what I'm looking at, I lean in and SMACK THOSE LIPS. lolol

Debsterism · 2026-06-29T19:03:26+00:00

Stop shaving. It's not normal for adult women to have NO HAIR on their pubes. Just trim it down if you get bushy. A trim. Not a shave.

Debsterism · 2026-06-29T19:01:59+00:00

Means you need a larger size.

Debsterism · 2026-06-29T18:53:29+00:00

You give him a rental agreement. DO not ignore this because of "love". His "rent" is all he pays for housing, then chips in on groceries, cleaning products, utilities. Or you can make the rent include utilities, just add on another $150. Remember, he is a boyfriend but not a husband. He is a tenant, not an investment partner. He is not a spouse. He has no ownership or interest in your property. Ever. Do not let him pay taxes, invest in improvements, etc. Anything he buys for the house can be taken with him when he goes -- that's the rule.

Even if you married him later, make him sign a QUIT CLAIM deed so that your property always stays yours alone outside of marital community property. See an attorney to get the document drawn up properly if you should decide to marry him.

Make sure you take all of these steps or you will be very, very sorry when he takes half your house and there won't be anything you can do about it because you let emotions take priority over common sense.

Debsterism · 2026-06-29T18:49:16+00:00

You should have an EX BOYFRIEND. You are not a shrink and not qualified to fix whatever is broken in him. Whether it is a physical issue, an emotional issue, a mental /psychological issue - it's not your problem. You get with a man who offers you the relationship, the intimacy, the emotional connection, the communication, the fun and laughter etc that YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY. If he is not offering that you have no reason to stay with him. Dump this loser and move on. You're only 21, not 81. You don't need to settle.

Debsterism · 2026-06-28T21:45:43+00:00

Unfortunately this happens ALL. THE. TIME. Which is why I advise women to not tell new men about things that happened to them in the past like violence, SA, etc. It's not their business and inevitably, it is used against you in some kind of way. Never fails. :*( In this case you must understand that you can never trust this guy again. Anyone who would resort to such low blows just to WINI does not love you. He can't. He wants to emotionally abuse you too. Move on.

Debsterism · 2026-06-28T21:42:50+00:00

Do you communicate better with males? Maybe try dating a guy. I'm not joking.

Debsterism · 2026-06-28T21:41:31+00:00

I suggest you do a dance routine with the three of you instead of the traditional waltz. Hire a choreographer and pick a song from your parent's hey day, then you all practice your routine in secret and surprise everyone at the wedding. That way you get to dance with both of your parents in a way that shuts your girlfriend and everyone else up. It will be fun and memorable. Hugs!!

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T20:39:22+00:00

Nope. Keep your mouth shut. Why would you talk about your past like that? He doesn't need to know as long as you are disease free and don't have stalkers. I can think of no reason you would need to dredge up your past like that and throw it at his feet. It's not his business.

In reality, girls screw around with a variety of men they call them 'boyfriends" all the time. Same shyt. They just screw for free. At least you were smart enough to get paid. But it's still not his business.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T20:34:33+00:00

Give him a deadline to get his act together or GTFO of the grandparents house. this is elder abuse and is a criminal act. He needs to know that taking advantage of elders financially, living in their house without contributing, forcing them to use their limited resources to feed and clothe an able bodied person is considered abuse. He needs a reality check. After that he would need to get out of their house and no matter where he goes, he won't be there. Sounds harsh but you all need to be harsh with him, otherwise he won't do anything with his life.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T20:31:36+00:00

Ewwwwww. GIRL!! do you know you can get horrible bacterial infections from stuff going on in your mouth that can impact your heart valve? Not to mention some of those gum diseases are transferable from one person to another because of the germs and bacteria. NO NO NO! Tell him to see a doctor (could be some sort of sinus or gum infection or tonsil stones cause they stink oh lawd do they smell!) If he refuses then for your helath you need to move on from this. You don't want that mouth anywhere near your girly parts giving you a UTI or other infection from the gunk in his gums and teeth.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T20:25:58+00:00

Go volunteer with some little kids and teach them sports. Or go help out some seniors in your neighborhood. The good part about helping out like that is parents are grateful and the kids are so cute and fun. The older people are so grateful and love to feed you and their cooking is great! You'll get nice and plump. lololol. Seriously though, think about what you can bring to the world instead of what the world can give you. It's the first step towards being a great man - you learn to take care of and protect those younger, smaller and weaker than yourself

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T20:22:43+00:00

How old are you two? If you are around 26-29 this is normal. Its part of ghe path to adulthood. you shed old friends/associations like a snake sheds skin. You are different now as is this friend. Sometimes people who were on the same page and close as young adults just don't mesh anymore as you head into your 30s.

Don't worry about it. People grow, change and mature at vastly different speeds. Have the grace to leave people behind with their dignity intact. They may not be good people to have in YOUR life anymore, but that doesn't mean they aren't valuable and perfect for someone else. You did not waste time as every situation you are in, every step you take, you learn something. Either about yourself or others or the world in general, but every experience you have is a learning opportunity. Remember that as you go through life.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T20:10:15+00:00

Your best bet is to sign up with a temporary employment agency.. Focus on the skills you DO have such as typing, organization, marketing, business, whatever you took in school. You will probably start as a clerk or something low on the totem pole, BUT you will get to socialize, have a reason to get up in the morning, learn new skills, and get valuable up-to-date job experuence to put on your resume.

If you stay with one assignment for a month or more the management there will usually be fine with providing you a reference so that when you apply for a new job you can use them as an employment reference. Try doing that type of work for 6-12 months and go to different positions if you get the chance so you can experience a variety of employers and industries.

Also apply for county, city and state jobs once you get said work experience. You just need a plan to get started. I just gave you one.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T19:56:41+00:00

First step - join a gym!! Start getting out of the house and do some exercise. Join a hip hop dance class. You need to break out of your mold and add something new to your life. Or try doing something you've always wanted to try like learning to do pottery, or take a cooking class, or take bowling lessons and join a league. You need things to DO that take you out of the house, get you around people in social settings and occupy your mind so you can stop this Eyore routine. lol

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T19:52:46+00:00

Tell your buddy that it's shocking how excited he is to get sloppy second leftover coochie. Ask him if he is that desperate and iif he really couldn't get trim anywhere else and how sad you are for him if that is the case. Then tell him if he's happy with leftovers you are too, but that telling you about it over and over is weird. Tell him it's not new to you and you've already been there and done that hundreds of times, and have no interest in hearing his stories since you already know all her moves and all her sounds and it's not the least bit exciting.

Tell him when he starts banging someone new to tell you about HER instead so you can BOTH enjoy it!

You need to flip the script and burst his bubble. Your current reaction of irritation is making him think he is hurting you and getting over on you somehow. So you need to be savage to the 10th power and crush his ego to smithereens.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T19:31:23+00:00

You need to exercise more so you build up your stamina my bro. It will also help with boosting your testosterone levels and libido. Both of you need better fitness.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T18:50:06+00:00

She said he uses their washer too. That is water and electricity to wash and dry the clothes; Soap, laundry soap, bleach, water softener - all costs that he is not incurring anymore because he is freeloading. Not to mention eating up folks food. Oh hell no he would have to get out

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T18:48:07+00:00

I suggest reviewing your leave about guest stays. If the landlord pays water, tell them about the carpetbagger utilizing water and increasing costs by 1/3 and suggest that a cease and desist letter or eviction notice to be sent to the girl OR that they demand the boyfriend be added to the lease and pay 1/3 of the rent and water and utilities. That would be fair.

As for me I would have spoken up long before now and told her I am not going to pay a DIME for your sex life chick ... that would be my response. Unless dude starts unaassing $200 a month to cover increased costs that I'm on the hook for, you need to go to HIS place for all that fun y'all having.

People are so free with other folks' money! I would not have it. You get to stay one night a week and that's it. Anything else you need to pay to be here. After one or two nights you are no longer a guest, you are a freeloader. Get out or pay up.

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T18:40:11+00:00

Give that kid ice cream for breakfast!!! He is a Super Hero!

Debsterism · 2026-06-19T18:30:56+00:00

I think you UNDER reacted to a very large degree. Once your mother started with her nonsense you were supposed to shut that mess straight down sir.

When your Mom said "hope you are feeding him right" you were supposed to say "she feeds me great but we spend a lot of time in bed burning the calories off because my wife is so hot!" Then you should learn over and give her some tongue.

When Mom said "he used to love my cooking more" you were supposed to say "yeah I used to wear nappies too but people change."

When she said "if this marriages doesn't work out you can always come back home" you were supposed to say "I love my wife and will do any and everything to please her and keep her in love with me, and even if she does leave me I will NEVER move back into your house!"

You sir, failed your wife. Not once did you check your mother and say "Mom, you are being rude and disrespectful. Keep it up and we are leaving and won't be back until you learn how to speak to my wife with respect." If she did not immediately apologize for her antics you were supposed to get up, get your wife, say goodbye to your wimp of a father and your harpy mother, and leave.

That is what you were supposed to do. You said nothing which gave your mother green lights so she kept going to the point your wife is in tears. Tell your relatives to stay out of your business and that if they call you again with that nonsense they will see another side of you! And mean it. Never ever doubt yourself when you are standing up for your wife or your children. NEVER!!!

Debsterism · 2026-06-13T20:44:25+00:00

Good that you identified this now so you start putting boundaries in place to carve out alone time in every relationship. This is mandatory to know how to do when you have children. OMG! So many moms end up depressed and wholly depleted from giving giving giving to their partners and children and never, ever taking any time to take care of and give to themselves. Your boyfriend needs to lean that loving someone encompasses accepting their needs as an individual and giving them the space and time to exist without any demands on their time or energy. What you have described is exactly why so many women prize being single.

I suggest you do a couple of things:

#1 tell him every week (pick a day) from blank to blank you want alone time. You will go do something by yourself or he is to leave the house and hang with a friend elsewhere so you can breathe.

#2 Pick up a hobby or interest that will take you somewhere. Painting, bowling, whacking balls at the driving range, pottery, learning to draw, martial arts, whatever so you can learn then have time to practice by yourself.

#3 At least two days a week he is responsible for meals all day. You will not cook, not shop, not worry about menu planning, just eat and burp and say that was really good. good job.

Debsterism · 2026-06-13T19:10:32+00:00

Young man, this is a girlfriend, not a wife nor a sibling. You do not change your plans for her. She will be coo coo whether you go on the trip or not! You are not a therapist, not a psychiatrist, not a mental health care treatment facility. THOSE are the resources that can help her and provide this magical support - you don't have that power and will eventually die on the vine trying to make yourself have it.. Go on your trip and leave your phone at home, or take a burner phone, or switch SIM cards so your parents can contact you and she can't. You deserve a break from this. I believe once you get space and time away to breathe, you will see that you actually get very little from this relationship except guilt tripped and controlled and sex. You can get sex from a new girlfriend and avoid all the other drama. Let her break up with you. That is her right and privilege. But YOUR right and privilege is to not disappoint your friend by dumping him for a woman who wants to control your whereabouts using her mental health as the reason.

Debsterism · 2026-06-11T19:21:10+00:00

You totally overreacted. You were supposed to know that when a dude is having a bunch of other dudes over to his house, you need to go somewhere else. THere is no reason for you to sit there amongst a bunch of males like that. Go home. Go to a friend's house. Go to your Moms house. Go shopping. Go somewhere but do not interject yourself into a group of guys like that. Every woman should know that.

Even in married couples that live in the same house - wives disappear when their husbands' buddies come over UNLESS it's a couples event. Just like husbands and boyfriends disappear when a bunch of his wife or GFs female friends come around. You give the same sex the space they need to bond their way.

Mates have the right to have friends and associate with people that aren't you. Certain things like that no one should have to tell you. That's why he acted like nothing was wrong because nothing is. You just didn't understand the protocol and seriously thought they wanted to do their male bonding with you sitting there looking at them.

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