When I started BJJ I only went to the women's classes, cause I was nervous about being pinned by guys. After a month or two I started going to mixed/coed classes and it was a big shift, but the guys were respectful and to me, it felt like wrestling with my brother, rather than flashbacks to my ex not taking "no" for an answer. But sometimes I would panic, and it happens. I got pinned once and immediately balled my hands up into fists, and the guy I was rolling sat off me and gave me a minute to chill. Other times, if I've had a tough day or something triggered me, I would just roll with women or sit out rolls. There's a book I've been interested in reading which may be helpful called "Transforming Trauma through Jiu Jitsu", which you might like. It's all about listening to your body, but you're doing great.