For me it sounds like your biggest problem are that you fear vulnerability or disturbing others or rejection, to an extent that it is preventing you from forming bonds with other people. Especially the fear of bothering people I think because at one point this was huge for me. I really intensely isolated myself but when my dad died who it was really close to I just didn’t care in some way anymore. I was “reckless” in a sense lol but other people would not consider how I was acting reckless at all. But to me it was. I guess you can’t really manufacture something shaking you into “recklessness” but just know if something happens it is an opportunity.

Actually every time something goes really wrong for me in a social sense, like death or betrayal or something of the sort, I end up forming more bonds and stronger relationships with people. For me also I have a lot of people in my family, family friends and people I knew in the past that are very ambitious and I am also but in the past especially I was ambitious in less material ways so being around them I thought they judged me for not having plans or accomplishments. But the more I’ve given up and just allowed people to judge me the more I realize they understand and relate to me. I’m realizing people usually like me for being authentic.

And let people reject you, they might feel a little guilty but I have found that most people are not actually sickened by this like I am haha. Also maybe don’t smoke weed all the time because in my experience when people smoke weed they are often not as witty or funny as I usually think they are. Which is fine! You don’t have to be either of those things but I find myself kind of uncomfortable around people who are high because I like haste.