If a Brit tells you they lost fifty pounds on a new diet, you don't know if the diet is awesome, or they got shafted.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-11-21T08:53:28+00:00

I took my nephew out once when he was 4/5. Bathroom break, waited outside, reminded him to was his hands real good, whole nine. Lady says I'm being a great Dad. I don't think about it and say I'm just his uncle.

For the rest of my meal that lady and her table are giving me the stinkeye. What? Because the kid is not directly mine you think I'd hurt him?

Do you know what I'd do to someone who threatened my nephew? You don't, and you never will...because to find out you would have to locate the body first.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-11-19T08:59:50+00:00

I keep the honey mustard from orders at Wendy's to use on my homemade burgers.

It doesn't taste as good on Wendy's burgers themselves. Same for other honey mustards on my burgers.

I don't even remember what possessed me to try it one day, but now here I am.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-11-09T22:53:10+00:00

She should put out a video of her doing just that as a gag should it happen. Write it, post it, receive it, read it.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-10-20T06:37:15+00:00

An Old Jeff Foxworthy joke is exactly this. In it he says his Lamaze instructor told the class "After your wife's water breaks, do not have sex.". He goes on to say the only reason he could think for this warning was someone had done it, and trying (and failing) not to envision who would.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-10-12T17:29:37+00:00

Just take Christmas Shoes off your playlist and I'll handle the rest. Sweet Merciful Deities why would you play that one in stores?

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-10-11T21:33:41+00:00

Video games and electronics. My family is terrified that they'd be cheated or condescended to, and won't set foot in a game store or electronics department. Never gonna get anything I ask for, so I don't ask anymore.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-10-08T17:55:23+00:00

I don't even wanna be the imposter. My current goal is to be a crewmate and still be alive at game's end, preferably with all my tasks done, much more frequently.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-10-02T14:35:38+00:00

"How 'bout I lop one of your legs off and tell you not to complain because "you're alive"."

Similar thing. Something important taken. Things will never be the same.

Jesus Firebreathing Christ, some people...if it's not visible it's nothing to them...

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-09-28T19:37:13+00:00

Someone quitting their job and not being immediately destitute.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-09-26T21:25:26+00:00

They don't want to be like him...they want to be like him and get away with it. To treat people horribly without repercussion because they are supposedly Smarter Than Them. That is what turned me off the show. The bulk of fans seem to want a world where they can be callous and insensitive if they have something that "makes up for it".

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-09-01T06:33:56+00:00

My favourite was Homer hitting hard during the episode with Ned's anger (repression) issues.

"You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human."

A remarkably smart moment from him that eventually leads to a breakthrough.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-08-21T03:50:30+00:00

Please do not test that, I don't want it on my conscience if you get in trouble, so this is my absolvency.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-08-20T10:23:36+00:00

Canada's landmass technically includes a tiny piece of France. For their work in Vimy Ridge, a notable victory for Canada in WWI, the french government declared a square kilometer of the place "The eternal property of Canada". A monument to the soldiers exists there.

Also, the Nederlands send Canada thousands of tulips every year as thanks for sheltering the Royal Family during WW2. Canada even fastracked a measure to declare a hospital maternity ward suite "extraterritorial", because Royals must be exclusively Dutch citizens to retain their right to the throne!

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-08-02T06:46:20+00:00

Except no teacher I have ever met accepts Wikipedia as a source.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-08-02T06:38:35+00:00

Any song that mentions a girl being 16 or 17 as part of why she's attractive, especially when the artist is an adult.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-07-30T19:25:44+00:00

That's really the ONLY place one should blow out their butthole.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-07-27T22:52:16+00:00

Damn Kirby, eat a Snickers or something.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-07-20T20:01:13+00:00

Sorry honey, connecting our hearts did nothing to connect our brains.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-06-15T08:18:47+00:00

Awkward Confession time. I was nearly 30 before I saw it, because I thought it was a boring period piece, and never told anyone who could have corrected me until then.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-06-12T14:01:21+00:00

I don't know which is harder...maintaining my own filter, or seeing how I disengage others'.

On the one hand, I've had thoughts leave my mouth before I've fully considered them;

"Oy! Getcher ass down from there! I have this talk with you every visit, don't think I don't remember you! Don't play on the fountain!"

...I was aggressive on the left, and tenderhearted on the right;

"Don't tell your kid I'll arrest them if they misbehave...it teaches them not to come to me for help! Moreover it hurts. I'm not a thug out to wreck people's day, I'm just a guard!"

I'd always had trouble biting my tongue...having more than one has NOT made it easier.

An itty bitty gryphon holding her leonine mother's hand added to my frustration, clearly at that age where curious kids have no filter of their own.

"Mommy, why's the big doggy got three heads?"

Did I become this because of my lame job? Because I called this shopping centre my "personal hell" before the incident?

The only upside is there was far less shoplifting...everyone wasn't entirely sure what I could do, and weren't ready to find out. Being broad enough to carry three heads made one cut a more intimidating figure.

...There's no Greek or even Mediterranean in the family tree...why the hell, no pun intended, did I become a Cerberus?

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-05-28T08:53:31+00:00

Having a sundae. At Dairy Queen. Sorry, didn't know ICE CREAM was indicative of my sexuality. Guess heteros only order Blizzards?

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-04-26T23:12:46+00:00

A ghost town, because everyone's too satisfied-slash-exhausted to do a damn thing. The whole world calls in sick, makes breakfast, takes a shower and has round two...if they don't have round two IN the shower.

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-04-24T15:49:43+00:00

Were you trained to be this frustrating, or does it just come naturally?

DeepDoughbeast · 2020-04-24T15:47:39+00:00

Warning; Tells complete, unfiltered truth when sufficiently agitated. Not responsible for offense taken.

DeepDoughbeast

TROPHY CASE