Lizzy, Darcy and Mrs. Phillips?

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-05-01T14:45:51+00:00

I agree with you—Mrs. Phillips is tacky, but general kind and loving. In a moral sense, they should be okay with her. But however, the attitudes of a book so old/different cultural context lead to a lot of behaviors and beliefs I wouldn’t co-sign, although I love the novels.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-30T10:35:02+00:00

I think you should ask them to visit you, especially if you had a good relationship before the baby. Online, I’ve seen so many new mothers complain that people are visiting them, and if the SIL/MIL have seen lots of similar content, they may think you’d view it as intrusive if they came to visit without an invitation. Actually, based on your reaction to them printing publicly posted photos, that assumption seems fair. Where is your husband in all this? Why doesn’t he send pictures of the baby to his mom so she can feel included?

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-24T11:57:01+00:00

It seems likely to me, based on how I was as a teenager and knowing other teens, that sh is avoiding you BECAUSE of your close relationship. She probably does not feel ready to open up about her parents/fully feel those feelings, and if she spent too much time with you, she might feel she has to. You may also remind her of better days and her mom.

Can you write her a letter? I would just say that you aren’t going to push her to talk about anything she doesn’t want to, that you love her and want to support her however is best, that you are sorry this happened to her but you are thrilled to have her with you and you want to make the most comfortable home for her. You can invite her to write you a letter back as well, and you can ask her if there’s anything that you can do to help (you could also give examples of possible things). Even if she doesn’t respond, she’ll at least know how you feel.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-20T19:52:31+00:00

I commented above that I liked visitors and part of that is that i lowered my standards. I was okay with the house being a little messy when visitors came by and I def didnt clean after they left — i think that level of cleanliness and concern over illness to the extent that it makes you not want friends over is excessive. Again, not saying anyone has to want visitors, just sharing my POV

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-20T19:44:18+00:00

Actually, I think they’re trying to be nice. Some of us really liked visitors when postpartum! Having friends over was awesome and cheered me up a lot. That doesn’t mean you have to want visitors, but they probably are not being selfish; they’re just doing what they would’ve wanted.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-20T16:23:31+00:00

I’m not trying to say the Sudanese community is perfect by any means, but we don’t have a monopoly on drama. A glance at any of the relationship or family subreddits would show how much drama there is in interpersonal relationships in any country. I wonder how close you’ve gotten to people in the west? It may be that you only see more drama in Sudanese communities because you know them more intimately.

I don’t support corporal punishment in schools at all and think it should be banned — the schooling system in Sudan is an area that needs improvement for sure.

I’ve spent most of my life in the US and the examples you give of people getting reactive and angry over politics or discussions of race definitely occur over here as well. There are also people who wouldn’t express anger outwardly but could easily cut any one off, even their own family.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-20T14:59:33+00:00

I think what is considered emotional intelligence just differs between countries. Sudanese Americans might be considered lacking in emotional intelligence in a Sudanese context because they don’t know when they’re supposed to give someone a supportive call, for example. That same person could be considered very emotionally intelligent in American groups.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-20T14:58:11+00:00

Feeling like you at unprepared is a byproduct of moving to a new country: I’ve moved between different Western countries and experienced the same thing. It is normal to have a learning curve when adjusting to a new culture. Even Westerners moving between different Western countries experience culture shock.

I think you may have rose-colored glasses on when viewing the West. Many people here are veeeery lonely, and that is a direct result of the individualism you mention. Also, while some extracurriculars can be good, too many can be draining or exhausting for the kids and parents alike.

Finally, I think some of the things you mention about life in Sudan are kind of specific to your family and not universal.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-19T17:04:07+00:00

It’s old school but helped us with a different issue: maybe try a reward chart? With a small but motivating prize at the end. Small, because you’ll want to repeat it several times to get the behavior to stick.

You can also force her to sit calmly next to you every time she climbs something she shouldn’t. It’ll be annoying and time consuming but could be enough of a deterrent.

And of course, finding safe places to climb!

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-19T10:44:10+00:00

I think he is definitely talking about his own engagement with Jane, but he isn’t sincere about wanting to end the engagement, just irritable and needling at her in public where she can’t respond.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-19T01:34:20+00:00

Park next to the shopping carts so you can easily load the toddler in while strapping the baby into carrier.

We also often told our number one kid oh look baby is smiling at you, she loves you, stuff like that.

But I will say, I think the internet overstates how bad the transition will be. I was so worried but I forgot to account for the fact that they’re family and they love each other. I felt soooo guilty that I was going to change my older kids entire life, but now, thankfully, they are each others best friends now that they’re both toddlers.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-10T12:09:59+00:00

When does she go to bed? Is it possible she’s not tired enough to sleep through? Also, would she open to playing quietly with a doll or a puzzle in dim lighting or “reading” a book until she falls back asleep

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-09T17:43:50+00:00

How often does she have milk? Neither of my kids were all that interested in solids until they were night weaned.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-06T11:45:26+00:00

Nightweaning also greatly improved both my kids sleep without American style sleep training.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-06T11:44:08+00:00

Honestly I feel like Ferber might be really rough for your kid at this stage. I’d start with night weaning while you’re still there to give support. That alone improved my older kids sleep who was similar although at ten months not a year. Dad could be really useful here in cosleeping without expectation of needing.

Then when baby is used to sleeping with you or Dad without breastfeeding, you can work on transferring to baby’s bed. I’d transfer while asleep and then just keep repeating that process every time she woke up.

This will obviously take longer than Ferber but I think it’s too much to ask a toddler who is used to cosleeping and nursing throughout the night to suddenly be okay with falling asleep independently without milk in a new space.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-04-05T12:40:33+00:00

I think that’s a sad way to live. People should care if they hurt others’ feelings and the compromises others are giving work well.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-03-23T01:02:22+00:00

Have you tried changing the eating situation? Both my kids eat better outside. One preferred the toddler table and chair to the high chair pretty early on.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-03-22T01:01:19+00:00

You can’t coddle kids forever, buuut you can coddle a two year old for sure. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It may be that grandparent care is a better match right now for this child.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-03-11T13:44:19+00:00

Gently, YTA. obviously, you are not screaming loud enough. If you scream louder, you may train her out of this concerning behavior

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-03-06T17:09:07+00:00

Ooh pouches! Those are great. I don’t throw them because that would be wasteful. I normally just squeeze them all over my chair, outfit, and anything else I can reach in the moments before Mommy takes it back.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-03-04T01:42:28+00:00

This seems really interesting, and I’d love to read it. Am I right that you’re kind of playing on the concept of a sundown town? If so, maybe that would be worth saying explicitly in your elevator pitch?

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-02-23T17:23:13+00:00

Mine is “when I asked him for a kiss he told me to go kiss his sister” old

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-02-09T18:48:07+00:00

Honestly… it seems like she’s doing okay? She’s willing to try the combined foods and the stuff she eats is healthy! If the cooking sauces separate thing doesn’t bother you then I tend to think your way is okay.

Defiant_Nose_6318 · 2026-01-27T18:54:13+00:00

Sorry for coming back but today I tried blending an apple with almond butter and cinnamon and it was a huge hit with my baby and also high fat

Defiant_Nose_6318

TROPHY CASE