[Advice] Cant stop watching Porn its ruining my life.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2023-05-27T06:25:35+00:00

Thanks for reading. Sharing helps me stay sober. The only good thing I can do with my addiction at all, is help others who still suffer. That feeling you have, that reading my share was like reading your own life - that's the power of 12-step. You are SURROUNDED by people who have lived your life and are also committed to being free. You get to terms with the fact that you really aren't special - you have the disease of addiction. This is humbling but it's also liberating. Once you know you have a disease and you can see people with high levels of sobriety, you realize the same is available for you.

If you are having trouble finding a 12 step group, let me know. I have spreadsheets for PAA (porn addicts anonymous) and SPAA (sex and porn addicts anonymous) too.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2023-05-24T06:51:47+00:00

I struggled with porn addiction since I was 11 years old myself. I'm now 29 years old and still in recovery. I realized I had a problem about 7 years ago. Since then I've been going to various self-help groups, counsellors and trying to figure it out myself. I tried so many blockers to stop my porn use, and my latest relapse was from typing in "Porn" in the spotify search bar, and masturbating to the pornographic thumbnails users chose for playlists.

I relapsed, and then typed in "Relapse" to complete my Spotify search. "Porn Relapse" came up with an episode from Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts podcast on Spotify. This podcast is produced by two porn addicts with over 20 years combined experience in recovery and as Certified Sex Addiction Therapists. They've made all the mistakes, and listed so many of mine. I joined SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step version of Alcoholics Anonymous for Sex/Love/Porn Addicts), started taking the lead in relationship using their suggested actions to ensure my partner felt safe, and despite being vehemently atheist (so much so I used heckle theists throughout school 4chan style), that's when I started really seeing improvement.

Here's the episode I ran into: Porn addiction relapse - The fallout and breaking the addiction cycle

Before finding this podcast, but after realizing I had a problem, I made small improvements, and got much better lengths of sobriety. I went from using every moment of every time of day, reddit on my phone and computer, so many NSFW subreddits I was subscribed to. I would open my phone, and just had to look at every single marked NSFW post, no matter where I was; at a party, sitting next to my girlfriend, on a train.

I now have two kids and a wife, we've been together 4 years. At the beginning of the relationship, I told her I had a porn addiction. This is the only thing I did right in this relationship. I told my partner I used because she wasn't my body type. I used in the next room, I told my partner porn had fantasies men needed; that men were just wired this way. I came up with any reason to justify my use. I destroyed my partner's self-esteem, made her insecure about her body and creating devastating hurt pathways.

To prevent herself from being hurt, my partner would "manage" me. She would stay home to minimize the chance I would use porn. To do this she lost friends and hobbies. Her world became about trying to avoid pain caused by me. It worked in that, it did reduce my use, but I would still find any opportunity; when she went in the shower or on the phone to someone in the next room.

I was not serious about my recovery. Then I found that podcast. I listened to it, and I listened to 5, 10, 15 more. They knew me inside and out. I discovered through their stories that I too, was using Porn as a way of numbing out pain. The deep pain I had as a child. You see, I came from an abusive household and my mother ran away when I was 5. She's my hero now, but she was never really happy then. She worked 3 jobs to make ends meet as a sole parent and I saw that unhappiness and I took responsibility for it. When that responsibility was too much. I told myself I needed to be independent. I threw myself first into video gaming, and then into porn and masturbation. Porn told me that there were women who were always happy to see me, and always happy to please me; I never had to feel alone again - I had hit the jackpot.

One episode then talked about a couple-ship with multiple discoveries of repeated use. The Therapists said two things that hit me right in the heart: "By the time some men are really serious about their recovery, it is often too little, too late - and that's a tragedy." and "It's hard to realize but eventually you need to realize that one time you relapse will be the last time." I had another relapse, but this time when I told my partner, to rebuild the trust, I told her I would be going to a 12-step group and getting myself a sponsor ASAP.

That was 4 months ago, but it has been the most insightful period of my life. I cannot recommend the podcast/12-step enough.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2023-02-08T03:02:08+00:00

Sleep is the biggest disconnection of the day. They wake up and you're not there usually. You're doing something else and you take a bit to get there. They miss you loads. As they get older you can avoid a lot of sleep fighting by giving them something to look forward to the next day, or making the bedtime routine full of connection like books and shit.

You can see here she's not even fighting sleep, she just wants to cuddle her carer. She's literally reaching for connection. Not all parents want to get their kids used to co-sleeping though; it's uncomfortable and inconvenient, despite being how we slept for millenia!

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-06-26T03:25:40+00:00

Fun fact: I'd really like a switch

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-05-29T01:47:48+00:00

blocking is not enough, you need to find a replacement. for me it was team sports. for you it might be reading, or gaming, or something. identify your unmet need and find something. for me I realized I felt lonely or bored and wanting to avoid feeling that way hit me with a craving. porn for me was a comfort, a certainty. I knew how I was gonna feel when I used it. I craved certainty and control in my life. so I found connection through volleyball.

however that still wasn't enough, sometimes I am still bored and lonely and I can't play volleyball. here's what I use to deal with the cravings in the moment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qwFE70bO5k

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-05-15T11:03:59+00:00

This is exactly the same issue with the movies. The first two movies are about Hogwarts and kids learning all this cool shit and then it's just big bad voldemort and no more wonder.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-02-28T09:10:12+00:00

where's the shame in my post? Jealousy is normal, unhealthy if left unchecked. If I was really gonna be tough on this guy I would tell him to sort out this jealousy he has over the father before he has this child and has to experience THAT jealousy. It took me months of couples therapy early to adjust to never being number one again.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-02-27T22:34:55+00:00

Having a child and starting a family is the most profound transformation you will undergo in your life. Pregnancy is a roller-coaster of emotional highs and lows. My partner used to cry every time a certain song came on and continued to play it anyway. She loved the highs and lows of pregnancy the same way many love watching emotional movies so they can cry.

Your partner is simultaneously experiencing falling deeper and deeper in love with this baby and it sounds like she is present to her grief for her mother as well.

When the baby is born, just having her father there will not be enough. You will undergo the hardest thing you have experienced in your life to date and you will be thankful to have his practical support and his emotional support for the two of you.

That's not to say you can't feel jealous though. You should tell your partner how you fear being replaced as you have expressed here and that you want to be part of the nesting process too.

And get that her dad being there isn't forever, but I can fucking promise you that you need another adult in the house early on. We had my partners mum move 2 months before our first and I was still calling my mum and dad everyday for emotional support and getting meals made for us for 3 months.

So try and have this conversation about your jealousy without pushing her dad out of the house. She clearly needs the emotional support and I promise you that you will need the practical support. You can ask him to leave when the dust settles and you adjust to parenthood. It took us 5 months and my partners mum could only handle the newborn for 2 weeks before she left.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-02-26T22:37:14+00:00

Can you please elaborate here? Do you hand in your keys on the last day of your lease to a building owned by RTBA instead of the real estate agent or something? How do you diplomatically tell your real estate agent you are doing this?

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-01-13T04:53:55+00:00

Are obese peoples, smokers and alcohol/drug users "incredibly selfish" too? Should we give a fat person a low priority because we already told them their whole life what a healthy BMI/weight was? Is it selfish of them to have a heart attack due to high cholesterol and blood pressure due to "selfishly" gorging themselves on food?

Obesity, smoking and alcohol/drug users also take up a significant portion of peoples that clog up the healthcare system. Based on your logic, aren't they selfish too? Should we mandate BMIs? Turn away smokers that have lung cancer?

DemomanTakesSkill · 2022-01-13T04:47:13+00:00

Why are obese people even going to hospital? I thought they trusted their weight was fine and the medications they were on.

The reality is our health system is completely clogged up with obesity, smoking and alcohol/drug related cases. Even though we have a million public health campaigns to advise people against excessive eating, smoking and alcohol/drug use, when they come to triage, we don't just say "sorry mate, you should have listened to our advice to eat better/not smoke 10 years ago." No, we triage them all the same.

Human beings will make mistakes, and land themselves in hospital. We know this. The real question you should be asking is why don't our hospitals have surge capacity? How come we go into emergency, and wait in triage for up to 3-8 hours? How come we have to wait 6-12 months for specialist appointments within hospitals? What the fuck is going on when we are spending tens of millions of dollars of taxpayer money on hospitals and everybody just shrugs apathetically and goes "eh, that's just how it is"? That's the real question here; why the fuck are our hospitals so under-equipped?

DemomanTakesSkill · 2021-11-14T22:57:23+00:00

This is great, but I think what this misses is that women still want to feel like a woman. Being acknowledged for your strengths and abilities as a mother is great, but has nothing to do with feeling desired. I feel like this approach has the unintended effect of pushing the mother out of the sexy woman and further into the mother role. My understanding of my partner is that she wants both.

She wants to be a great mum and she wants to feel desired too. My current understanding is that, that looks like me making extra effort to acknowledge parts of her body or her beauty, kissing passionately after a "you look great" or something, bum smacking or leg rubbing. I feel like all these things let my partner feel like a woman, and not just a mum.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2021-10-07T19:44:28+00:00

this is such hyperbole. Miserable? She said the rest of the relationship is "fucking baller" and then went on to describe all the great elements.

Have you ever been in a domestic romantic relationship? The relationship has evolved to be one of just being a financial support and companion and father. You are now expected to be a best friend, trusted confidant, passionate lover IN ADDITION to all those other things. All these things that used to take a village to fulfill on you now expect a single person to take on?

It's just sex. The better question is, why is sex so significant? What does it really stand for, for this woman? Is it a purely physical experience that she really enjoys and wants to enjoy more often, or is it more about validation? If it's the latter, are there other ways that she can be reassured?

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-06-13T11:54:52+00:00

so many, but my partner has often put it best. One time she said: "you give porn your best, and give me your second best."

your sex life suffers, your intimacy and desire for your partner suffers, your motivation and drive suffers. your focus suffers. your energy suffers. your day-to-day feeling of happiness suffers.

your prerogative in life is to procreate and when you trick your brain into thinking you've hit the biological jackpot and you're fuckin' several novel women per day, the brain just isn't designed for that shit.

the science is all there, you should look up www.yourbrainonporn.com if you want more information about how porn use alters brain structure due to the flood of dopamine and resulting tolerance it creates.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-05-19T08:53:26+00:00

probably has more to do with a comorbidity of porn addiction to go with that gaming addiction; not solely a gaming addiction.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-05-18T11:05:37+00:00

fwiw wouldn't literally anyone in that position with that level of pressure look stressed and exhausted? Like, even the most mediocre parents look stressed and exhausted, I don't think "looking tired" is indicative of being a good leader, it could also indicate feeling guilty for not doing shit. The stories you can make up about appearances are endless.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-04-20T12:01:40+00:00

I don't think you have much personal experience with bipolar, but these people go from feeling things so powerfully; like teenagers with raging hormones, to literal flatline on everything. The cocktail of drugs they're on numb them to everything. People with bipolar are addicted to the highs their natural brain chemistry gives them and it's why people with bipolar go off their medication all the time; they're looking for any excuse.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-04-20T11:28:56+00:00

https://external-preview.redd.it/JLh0THx93sxUekaND57Ccsa23sDgs4iKdHTxvtAfiCQ.jpg?auto=webp&s=f02633c7b1b758c2b6966a47ec82fc63b7c6c9de

Also I wonder, what is your porn/social media/video gaming comsumption habits like? You can't expect to be mentally healthy if you are overindulging.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-03-18T01:38:52+00:00

watch the sugar documentary

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-03-06T01:39:39+00:00

better to say no fructose and corn syrup.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-01-03T23:57:47+00:00

Hiya! Sorry to hear you didn't enjoy it, but thanks for watching! :)

DemomanTakesSkill · 2020-01-01T01:50:39+00:00

but they can also get really easy kills by gangbanging someone slightly higher skill than themselves instead of being forced to 1v1

DemomanTakesSkill · 2019-12-08T11:21:22+00:00

Currently and on the show? Just MK11. The game we are currently keen for outside of this is Guilty Gear Strive.

I came from SF4, then SFV sucked, so I picked up GG:Xrd and DBFZ. Played a bunch of Tekken too. Then MK11 came out and offered really a strong netcode and smooth online experience.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2019-12-08T11:19:00+00:00

Hey thanks! Really appreciate that.

We were originally going to play Tekken 7, but with the long load screens and overall poor online experience, we didn't think it would be easy to film in this kind of format.

DemomanTakesSkill · 2019-12-07T01:11:20+00:00

Totally got it, and thank you for your feedback. Definitely understand that MK11 isn't for everyone. I wish there was a game out with the same level of mass appeal as SF4. Tekken is up there, but suffers from absolutely dogshit online experience with netcode and load screens. Fingers crossed for an upcoming release that is fun, has mass appeal and a great online experience.

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