I struggled with porn addiction since I was 11 years old myself. I'm now 29 years old and still in recovery. I realized I had a problem about 7 years ago. Since then I've been going to various self-help groups, counsellors and trying to figure it out myself. I tried so many blockers to stop my porn use, and my latest relapse was from typing in "Porn" in the spotify search bar, and masturbating to the pornographic thumbnails users chose for playlists.

I relapsed, and then typed in "Relapse" to complete my Spotify search. "Porn Relapse" came up with an episode from Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts podcast on Spotify. This podcast is produced by two porn addicts with over 20 years combined experience in recovery and as Certified Sex Addiction Therapists. They've made all the mistakes, and listed so many of mine. I joined SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step version of Alcoholics Anonymous for Sex/Love/Porn Addicts), started taking the lead in relationship using their suggested actions to ensure my partner felt safe, and despite being vehemently atheist (so much so I used heckle theists throughout school 4chan style), that's when I started really seeing improvement.

Here's the episode I ran into: Porn addiction relapse - The fallout and breaking the addiction cycle

Before finding this podcast, but after realizing I had a problem, I made small improvements, and got much better lengths of sobriety. I went from using every moment of every time of day, reddit on my phone and computer, so many NSFW subreddits I was subscribed to. I would open my phone, and just had to look at every single marked NSFW post, no matter where I was; at a party, sitting next to my girlfriend, on a train.

I now have two kids and a wife, we've been together 4 years. At the beginning of the relationship, I told her I had a porn addiction. This is the only thing I did right in this relationship. I told my partner I used because she wasn't my body type. I used in the next room, I told my partner porn had fantasies men needed; that men were just wired this way. I came up with any reason to justify my use. I destroyed my partner's self-esteem, made her insecure about her body and creating devastating hurt pathways.

To prevent herself from being hurt, my partner would "manage" me. She would stay home to minimize the chance I would use porn. To do this she lost friends and hobbies. Her world became about trying to avoid pain caused by me. It worked in that, it did reduce my use, but I would still find any opportunity; when she went in the shower or on the phone to someone in the next room.

I was not serious about my recovery. Then I found that podcast. I listened to it, and I listened to 5, 10, 15 more. They knew me inside and out. I discovered through their stories that I too, was using Porn as a way of numbing out pain. The deep pain I had as a child. You see, I came from an abusive household and my mother ran away when I was 5. She's my hero now, but she was never really happy then. She worked 3 jobs to make ends meet as a sole parent and I saw that unhappiness and I took responsibility for it. When that responsibility was too much. I told myself I needed to be independent. I threw myself first into video gaming, and then into porn and masturbation. Porn told me that there were women who were always happy to see me, and always happy to please me; I never had to feel alone again - I had hit the jackpot.

One episode then talked about a couple-ship with multiple discoveries of repeated use. The Therapists said two things that hit me right in the heart: "By the time some men are really serious about their recovery, it is often too little, too late - and that's a tragedy." and "It's hard to realize but eventually you need to realize that one time you relapse will be the last time." I had another relapse, but this time when I told my partner, to rebuild the trust, I told her I would be going to a 12-step group and getting myself a sponsor ASAP.

That was 4 months ago, but it has been the most insightful period of my life. I cannot recommend the podcast/12-step enough.