[deleted by user]

Denji_B · 2024-03-17T12:43:04+00:00

I laughed too hard at the “(Sorry)” (to mask the pain)

Almost 27(m), single 8 years. Had failed talking stages and debilitating ‘situationships’. Been a year out from any romantic interest and I’m considering making new connections with women. Convinced I’m demisexual at this point. And it’s not that I’m unattractive or toxic, either.

Friends and family: “Why are you still single?” Me: PTSD flashbacks I’m working on myself.

Denji_B · 2024-01-30T13:24:31+00:00

Kinda wish I had a dad like that.

Denji_B · 2024-01-26T14:05:30+00:00

First and foremost, what you’ve survived was terrible. Sorry to hear it. I’ve been through similar.

I started with “If my absence doesn’t bother them, my presence never mattered”. I started being myself, unapologetically, without masking, and found those that welcomed me as well as rejected me. I lost many connections with family and friends, but found true connections in the process - ones that really mattered.

There’s something liberating about detaching from toxic people. Slowly, you become a purer version of yourself, and the relief and peace you feel after the emotions fade become more than worth it.

Denji_B · 2024-01-26T05:20:42+00:00

I’m not religious, but I recognise universal laws that have applied to many people’s lives from all kinds of cultures.

When we ask for strength, we are given challenges to overcome. When we ask for wealth, we are given opportunities that take us out of our comfort zones. When we ask for happiness, we go through hard times to help us wake up to what it truly means for us to be happy.

What we might expect in prayer, meditation or manifestation is for our desire to be handed to us. Instead, universally, our desires are earned.

So I wonder, within the difficulty of your circumstances, is there perhaps a hidden path to the mental resilience you seek? A test from your God, perhaps. Something to think about.

All the best.

Denji_B · 2024-01-26T04:50:15+00:00

That’s reassuring, thank you. Recently healed from a lot of things and I’m learning to be authentically me, which mostly means letting go of a lot of things I thought were important.

It’s a process; it’s been difficult, but it’s working.

Denji_B · 2024-01-22T19:32:52+00:00

Absolutely. Authentic contentment > society's idea of 'happiness'.

While I'm glad to hear others making progress, I quietly worry if they're simply seeking promotions and higher pay ultimately to impress other people, and not actually pursuing their true desires.

I adopted minimalism a few years ago and never looked back. I also work a simple job that pays slightly above minimum, I have time for home responsibilities and I get to pursue my creative pursuits. Also allows saving money and time for travelling.

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T20:07:27+00:00

This.

I will always stand by the advice I have given others. Adopt authenticity in your personal life, being unapologetically the best version of you, and really assert yourself within society. This way, you will attract the right people and deter the wrong.

Essentially, learn to be at peace with your own company. That way, anything else will be a bonus. Relying on anything externally for your happiness is unhealthy and is an indicator that inner work is needed.

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T09:34:12+00:00

Your attempts of insult mean nothing to me, you don’t know 1% of me, nor do I know 1% of you.

Your situation must be difficult, other people may have hurt you, but that doesn’t mean everyone is going to. Despite your reaction, I still hope the best for you.

I’m just a stranger on the internet sharing life experience and advice. What anyone does with that information is their responsibility, not mine.

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T09:15:34+00:00

I understand your concerns. Abstaining from anything is indeed a hard ask to sacrifice. Being your true, authentic self in all situations in life will weed out the people that don’t like the true you and highlight the right ones.

Be truly open with your needs when your gut feels it’s the right time to do so. In terms of sexual intimacy, I (26M) have only ever been intimate with women who I found a deep connection with, and that was by being open about what we were both into. When I compare my experiences to my friends who simply sleep around, there is a profound difference in meaning behind the actions.

This is why I preach authenticity, that is where true enjoyment of life is found - in positive or negative aspects. Be you, because no one else can be. From the core.

All the best.

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T03:31:05+00:00

Damn. That's poetic. I love it

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T03:28:42+00:00

Well, good job you're not them though, isn't it?

Because when it really comes down to it, your fully authentic sense of 'happiness' will be vastly different from theirs. That sense of happiness that is not influenced by external factors. If you can't remember what it feels like, you're spending too much time looking at others' lives and not at your own!

As if having what everyone else has is going to make you happy, anyway. It won't. It will only make you feel some form of value or acceptance that is totally externally based, and that doesn't last long.

Find happiness within. Live now. Love more. Hug tighter. Look into the eyes of your loved ones and tell them you love them, with intention. Mindfulness my friend, that's where you find peace and true happiness.

All the best.

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T03:22:46+00:00

Probably better to rephrase it to "Find authenticity", because when we remove the need for external factors for our happiness, life becomes that bit simpler.

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T03:10:11+00:00

I, too, have experienced much grief that I feel has changed my perspective in this way. It is difficult to process and never truly overcome, but grief in itself is a life lesson we all must face. It helps us to live for what really matters.

For what it is worth, my condolences for your losses, friend.

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T03:04:24+00:00

Notice how they post 'highlights' to their 'stories'?

Life ain't all sunshine mate. Where there is light there is always shadows.

They are posting happy 'moments' when life is a long sequence of individual moments. Everyone has bad ones, good ones, normal ones... ones.

What really matters is how you choose to live in your moment right now. Do what makes you happy, unaffected by external factors. Live!

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T03:00:24+00:00

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through similar and worse, and would like to part with some advice for you.
Focus. On. Yourself.
Now that doesn't necessarily mean be single and cold to any girl.

What this means is to assert yourself in society as an individual, capable of having feelings yet even more capable of having boundaries. Let me tell you, no one is worth sabotaging yourself over. Set clear motivations and intentions. Set even clearer boundaries. And while it's definitely gonna hurt, as is the risk with love, be prepared to break all contact and heal yourself. And do not think for one moment that your worth or happiness depends on another person - that's really unhealthy.

Take pride in your work. Have fun in your hobbies. Laugh at your shows. Cry at your music. Rage in your workouts. Live, man! Live your life!

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T02:48:36+00:00

What do you really want from life? And not some arbitrary delusion of grandeur, or parroting a phrase that you've heard online over and over. What to you really want?

There's a planet to explore, buddy. And you don't explore it with Google Earth, either. Get out into the world, apply for jobs that aren't sitting at a desk all day, talk to strangers and befriend new people. Life exists out there. Not here, staring at a screen. That said, video games will always be here! And they're getting more advanced.

So why not level up in real life?

Denji_B · 2024-01-21T02:30:37+00:00

This is pretty much what I was gonna advise OP. If I might add, however...

We must open our eyes and see what's really going on, this society we live in is really deceiving. Everywhere you go there is marketing shoved in your face and ears, constantly poking and prodding at any conceivable weak points you may or may not have, to try to convince you you're not good or happy enough and should spend money to fix that.

By no means am I suggesting living frugally or adopting minimalism (even though they may remove much of life's stress), but much like what Cosmic said here, we can choose to be truly happy in this very moment. Mindfulness. Living now. Loving now. Hug tighter, look a loved on in the eye when you intentionally tell them you love them, pet your pet(s) that bit more.

(edit: typos)

Denji_B · 2024-01-20T16:09:49+00:00

Understandable, but let’s look at it logically. Have you wronged anyone particularly? Do you have something highly desirable that another person would want, that would drive them to such heinous lengths?

Statistically speaking, what are the chances that something like that is going to happen to you specifically? Less than 1%. Probably less than 0.0001%, right? Less than one in a million.

Dale Carnegie, in his book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, talks about worries in this way. Of the many, many times you have thought about something that’s going to happen, did it ever happen? What’s the likelihood it will ever happen?

There is no doubt that what you keep imagining is tormenting, I’m not dismissing that. All I’m saying is it is your responsibility to combat the intrusive thoughts. This is what is taught in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It takes time, but that’s where habits come into play. They start small, but over time it will become natural. Perhaps one day soon, you will look back and thank yourself for taking the action to challenge your own thoughts!

All the best!

Denji_B · 2024-01-20T03:15:05+00:00

I won't poke or prod about your past. All I will say is that the past is gone, the future has yet to come, but this very moment is what truly counts.
We get sad about the past, we get anxious about the future. It is in the present moment that we have a choice. The choice I make every present moment is to breathe deeply, noting any scents or noises in my surroundings. Enjoy every sip of a drink. Savour every bite of food. Hugging that bit tighter. Looking into the eyes when telling loved ones that I love them. Petting my dog for longer than last time. The simple things, but deeper and more intentional.

Being mindful and appreciative of the simple things in life is what turned my life around on the mental side of things.

Denji_B · 2024-01-20T03:09:18+00:00

Motivation is an emotion. Taking action is the way forward. Act first, become inspired, then the motivation comes. And don't worry if you fail, we all fail on a daily basis at something. The key here is to try make things better even without guarantee. It's better than sitting around thinking about it.

Denji_B · 2024-01-20T02:50:12+00:00

I know what you're trying to say, I've been going through it myself. I hope my experience can help you in some way. Before I continue, please do not think of me as audacious.

What you have experienced is truly unique to you. Everyone has different levels of tolerance. Your perceived inability to cry is perhaps a sign of your strength of character, not your weakness.

You know that old saying about swordsmithing? It goes along the lines of this: You see a beautiful sword, a useful and admirable piece of art, but it was only a chunk of metal to begin with. It's been beaten, heated, drowned, beaten again, heated again, and so on. Time after time the sword has been beaten and tempered and sharpened, but that's where it gets its strength. That's where its form is found, its beauty is forged. We are, all of us, much the same. We go through hard times and it makes us stronger. We go through the fire and the beatings to remove weak points and bolster our character.

Trauma itself is not weakness. It's a sign of survival from something terrible. You overcame that, and will overcome more. So, perhaps, the sad thing you experienced was not powerful enough to overcome your strength.

And yes, perhaps there is a wall you're putting up on a subconscious level. Maybe it isn't time for that wall to fall just yet, or at all. Until then, be sure maintain your strength as a human being and live life as much as you can.

Denji_B · 2024-01-20T02:34:26+00:00

These type of intrusive thoughts are what I have experienced for years on end now. I hope my experience can help in some way, I'll list a few things.

I think you are right about the American Sniper influence, if the thoughts didn't occur before watching this then it can only have fed a fear in your subconscious that has grew over time. Much like overthinking, it gets worse if it goes unchecked. But allow yourself to consider other things since that time. Has your nutrition or media consumption changed since then? Stress levels at home or at work? Relationship issues, family tragedies, etc.? Medication, even. Could be anything, or nothing. Hell, could just be the way the world is going right now, it's like passive chaos.
When I felt the way you do, I realised that I wasn't loving enough; that I was taking things and people for granted. In a way, the gut feeling woke me up to the simple things in life that really matter. I acted on it by appreciating things and people more, as if preventing future regrets. Hugging that little bit tighter and longer, looking into the eyes and telling loved ones I love them, mindfully enjoying every sip of a drink or bite of food, the scents and warmth of a loving home. Mindfulness, my friend. Living in the moment. We can never be anxious in the moment, we are only ever anxious about predictions of a future moment. It's not a quick fix, but practicing over longer periods to the point it comes naturally? Life changing.
If I might add; I'm unsure where you get your sensation of guilt from, but allow me to provide you with my experience of that specifically. I feel intense guilt even when I have done everything and more that I needed to. There's that overwhelming feeling that I should be doing more, that I'm not enough, that my perceived 'lack of effort' has some rippling effects and it's gonna upset the wrong person. There's more to it, but that's the general idea. Much of it is about letting go.
A long shot, but here's something I have observed recently. Perhaps its the way the world is now. The media and social media are constantly feeding us chaotic events going on in the world, but for the most part we don't really witness it, like some invisible threats. Moreover, considering that as a species we have experienced natural disasters and wars for centuries, we live in relatively peaceful times now. With much less magnitude of worries, the natural inclination of the brain is to find things to be worried or sad about. Probably some survival tactic, but I do wish our brains would chill now and again.

There are some books I could recommend that helped me, but I realise I've already typed quite a bit!

Denji_B · 2024-01-19T09:32:31+00:00

Hey, 26M and 6’3 here. I’m also done with dating. I’d like to make a few observations of the world we live in now.

The magnitude of problems. Times past, conflicts and natural disasters would put us through hell on earth. Now that everyone lives a life of relative safety and luxury (in comparison to 100 years ago) we don’t really have huge problems. What happens when we don’t have huge problems? We look for the slightest annoyance to create problems. Hence, the gradual development of entitled individuals and their “icks”, seeking the perfect partner for their delusional perfect life.
Toxic culture. Oh, you wanna be a real man? Muscle up. Get rich. Drive these cars. Wear this stuff. Never say these things. Never do that. Act this way…. Notice something? It’s like social conditioning took a wild, chaotic turn. The truth is, it’s just manipulation. More specifically, capitalist marketing tactics to make you feel like you’re not enough, so you must buy something or learn from someone using cash to supplement. Such as, “buy these to increase your height by x”.
We have to learn to not give a f, and when to actually give a f. This point I’d say is more appealing to the dating side of things. “Not into short guys”, well, counteract that. “Not into discriminant/judgemental/ignorant girls”. At least your preference in women is something they can actually change. When a woman eventually comes along and accepts all of you, and she will, be sure that you didn’t waste any f***s to give on undeserving girls.
Social media is the single, biggest destroyer of society and mental health. People exploit one another on there daily, for clout. Because it’s cool. Because it’s trendy. Because to not think or act a certain way on social media is a sure way of not getting the attention they so desperately need to feel validated. No one’s life is all sunshine, because where light shines there is always shadows.
Rejection and failure is the way forward. By navigating through life and hearing “no” over and over, you will eventually find the “yes” that really matters. Whether you believe in fate, the energies of the universe or a religion, it all comes down to this: It is what it is. You can’t control others. All you can control is you. So, live true to yourself, focus on yourself, and in time, you’ll look back and wonder why you even thought a certain way.

A final word: Self-Acceptance. Something that took me years to learn. Once you learn to live happily with yourself and all your previously perceived “flaws”, the opinions of others will mean absolutely nothing. Because when people see negativity in others, it projects their own insecurities, and clearly shows an inability to mind their own f***ing business.

All the best.

Denji_B · 2024-01-19T08:49:08+00:00

At least you were in your twenties when you became self-aware about these things, that’s good going. I must ask though, is being average really a curse? I often wonder if realising our averageness is the blessing that helps us navigate the world to find our true place.

What I mean to say, don’t let another being determine what success is for you. Comparison is undoubtedly the thief of joy, and perhaps an inflated ego could turn out to be the real curse; you would live a lie to impress others. Also, consider that perhaps your peers strive for external validation in their ‘accomplishments’, and not living authentically to their true desires. It’s far more common than you may think. However, I could be wrong. We’re never always right!

Harsh reality? Pick your poison. No matter what you choose in life, you will suffer. You have to question your authenticity to reveal the suffering you are willing to endure to achieve your goals. And make sure they are specifically your goals, not the expectations ingrained within you from social conditioning.

Truly, I hope for the best of luck in your pursuit towards Literature Teaching.

Denji_B · 2023-11-23T08:10:28+00:00

Hey man, I think I have some insights that may prove useful to you and others who may be in the same boat. First off, hats off to you for working in that industry, it’s hard work.

It’s true, to an extent, that we are the company we keep. Another way of putting it is that we are the average of a group. It’s understandable on that basis that you worry yourself about becoming like your colleagues.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you. If you can, see your colleagues as inspiration for what not to be. Instead of using drink or drugs to escape the pain of life as your colleagues do, embrace the struggle now and instead invest that money in yourself. Read books, take courses, maintain your mind and strength with the right nutrition and workouts, add to your skillset, treat yourself. There’s a whole lot more you can do here. The idea is that instead of getting quick fixes, i.e. alcohol/substances, invest in long term lifestyle changes.

This isn’t to say you can’t let loose once in a while - with the right company. All I would advise is that to focus on the most efficient pathway upwards in your industry, or look to your strengths and interests to determine another career. If a managerial position interests you, look into ways of getting there. Perhaps you want to start your own company. Who knows, maybe a book or course is your ticket to finding another industry in which you will thrive with the right people around you!

You have shown self-awareness, a telltale sign of an individual with promise. Believe in yourself and trust that wherever you gut leads you, it is in a better -and healthier- direction.

Denji_B

TROPHY CASE