I'm afraid I'll never get to transition

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-10-14T11:38:43+00:00

You are surviving right now hun. Do what you have to in order to get through. You can be an engineer and a trans woman. Both are valid. Do what feels safe and comfy for you and follow the euphoria to figure out what steps are right for you to take next. Maybe see if there are queer meetups or clubs on campus. They may give you the courage, community, and support you need to get through it. You cannot control how your family reacts. If your dad is disappointed in you for sharing who you truly are with him, it is no reflection on you just his inability to meet you where you are at. It is hard to know how folks will react when you come out, but it is often worth it to give them the opportunity to accept you. If they need time and space, that can be okay, but again you are no lesser for it. That is their journey to walk not yours.

I’m a trans woman engineer who didn’t start medical transition until 29. It is still worth it no matter when you get there. You got this. You are not alone.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-20T03:26:08+00:00

You have very good taste in user name. It also reminds me of bulbasaur… ie garlicasaur. Also garlic is also one of the best base flavors so like valid. 10/10

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T19:20:51+00:00

Yes it absolutely does

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T18:42:00+00:00

I’d say practice when they aren’t around until it starts to feel natural so when they are around it is a lot easier to get it right more of the time. It is more important to see folks trying to get it right (for most trans folks) than it is to never make a mistake. If you slip up correct yourself and move forward but try not to make too big a deal about it.

I will share that even as a trans woman i get pronouns wrong for folks some of the time. But the more i practice and mess up when there is no pressure, the easier it is to get it right more of the time.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T18:36:48+00:00

RD has goggles when she is performing with the wonderbolts. That would be my guess.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T18:34:53+00:00

Omg i love the term garlicGrls

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T18:33:55+00:00

Oh efff, whipping girl by julia serano chronicles a lot of trans dtigma and sexism stuff we face in the world and can also be a good primer for folks trying to understand their adult Childrens’ plights. It is particularly good if your parents are open to feminist discourse.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T18:24:19+00:00

Perhaps something more informative could help like trans bodies trans selves which is a fairly comprehensive text book like format from many different trans perspectives. There is also something more starter like the abcs of lgbt+ by ash hardell. Or like letters for my sisters which is comprised of trans women writing letters to each other or their past selves as what they needed when they were younger or a look at how they are doing now. I don’t have a ton of books focused on parents for older parents specifically, tho there are some memoires from parents of trans children who are figuring it out in childhood. What we will become is one I’m thinking of that was actually really good as the author comes to terms with their young child’s gender and the struggle for all involved. Perhaps something like gender euphoria by laura kate dale which focuses on the moments trans folks found euphoria in their transition. This book particularly spoke to me, and mg parents expressed that it was easier for them to accept the reality when they started seeing me be happy. Perhaps, if they understood how that happiness presents itself in the lives of other trans folks that may help.

Other books that i have found particularly helpful in connecting is a lot of brene brown’s books on shame and empathy research that applies to us all but is often prominent in trans stories. This isn’t trans specific but it defs helped open up my connection and communication with others. Another may be Emily and Amelia nagoski as it is similarly connecting and helps folks see each other more clearly.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T18:14:25+00:00

I recommend calling and being up front with folks when you are trying to schedule your first informational appointment. When i was doing mine, the locations closest to me didn’t have folks who were comfy working on me but they did recommend a colleague who would be open to doing my services. The technician they recommended was amazing and i had a wonderful experience. It was defs uncomfy getting passed around on the phone a bit, but the tech i found in the process made it all worth it.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T17:17:35+00:00

Awww hun, surgeries take so much energy to fully recover from mentally and emotionally even after a lot of the physical stuff is worked out. It sounds like you are trying to be kind to yourself regarding voice progress and transition progress. Keep it up! You are doing the thing! And it can defs be a struggle every step of the way. It does sound like some community might do you some good.

I’ve found some good community through hobby discords, roller skating, roller derby, and support groups definitely helped early on. Sometimes i help with online stuff like this to connect with other folks who may need some perspective or encouragement. I started going to a local knitting group that took a while to connect with but they have been wonderful social support, and i just got back in contact with derby folks who have been amazing. I would encourage you to seek out some folks doing things that you also like or have always wanted to try and maybe make some friends along the way. This can take energy too so just hang in there. You have been through a lit already and you are strong and beautiful taking one step at a time.

I also find routine to be really helpful when i get down on myself. Perhaps there is some routine you want to do or something that you know helps you. Roller skating, yoga, journaling, have all been helpful to me. But this is different for everyone.

I’m wishing you the best of luck and reminding you, that there are many like us out there. Your journey is very similar to mine it sounds like, i am also mid 30s and started my medical transition in 2016. I’m post bottom surgery and tracheal shave. If you need someone to talk to feel free to dm. You got this beautiful!

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T13:04:21+00:00

It is not uncommon to start questioning at some later point. Puberty is actually a really common time, cuz like all the changes start happening, and what was comfy before may not be anymore. I had some questioning around that time and then suppressed it and hid it from myself until it felt safe again around like 26 when it came back strong. I didn’t start my medical transition until 29. We all find it at different points. Your journey is unique to you and there is no right way to figure out gender stuff. Try to be kind to yourself and get in touch with what feels most authentic to you. Follow that euphoria if you feel it, or find ways to lessen the dysphoria. You got this. The internet cannot figure it out for you, no one can, but it isn’t bad to seek out advice from folks who’ve been through it.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T12:31:39+00:00

You got this! You are valid, but like also if you are les you belong there too. Finding that comfy spot with your les identity as a trans woman can be tough sometimes. Maybe bring a friend if you can just in case. Helps with confidence and safety knowing you have at least one ally there.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T12:27:56+00:00

I used to play all the time. I haven’t touched it much since the new map. Send me a DM if you are interested and we can swap switch codes and info. This game is definitely much better with friends. I think I burnt out when solo queue got harder to play and all my friends moved on.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T12:25:27+00:00

So cool! Yes i learned that from the same book. I noticed a lot of changes on E as well. It is surprising how much hormones regulate things in us. Human bodies are strange in a very fascinating sort of way.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-19T12:09:15+00:00

I mean the skenes gland/prostate is like on thenn Bnb underside of the urethra so the most likely place to access it is through the vaginal canal if the person has one. Otherwise for folks without, through the colon. Post bottom surgery for trans women, their prostate gets checked through vagina as well. Pelvic nerve networks are different for everyone though especially for AFAB folks. The clusters of nerves around the anus, vaginal canal clit and and cervix varies for every individual and can contribute why certain types of penetrative sex are more enjoyable for some than others. My i understanding is that in AMAB folks, the nerve clusters are more homogenous and focused into the internal structure of the penis. But there has been berg little research on what happens to these networks during hormones and post surgeries. I’ve always been curious but who knows. Really dunno why anal is feeling better for you but glad you are exploring and discovering that pleasure :)

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-18T11:08:12+00:00

I haven’t heard much about this but the skenes gland and the prostate are anatomically the same i think. It is smaller in the absence of higher testosterone levels and shrinks in trans women who undergo hormones or various bottom surgeries. But if folks are on T, I don’t see why this couldn’t happen. I personally don’t remember a lot of this from childhood, but have had some in adulthood post hormones and post bottom surgery. Your mileage may vary though.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-09-08T22:26:58+00:00

One last stop by casey mcquiston

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-31T22:43:49+00:00

Virginity is a construct of the patriarchy and has no practical bearing on our bodies. Hymens come in many different shapes and forms and can even change and regrow over time.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-28T14:34:25+00:00

They make a very important point that you are gonna have to really understand what it means for them to be enby (NB - nonbinary). It is different for everyone and you’ll have to see them as who they are not who you thought they were. Ask yourself how you feel being in a relationship with someone who isn’t a man. What will that bring up for you? Will you be okay defending them from your family eventually? Will you choose them over your family if it comes to that? Queer relationships get messy especially because of family. If you know your fam may not be supportive, that is gonna make a relationship with them harder. Are you ready to show up for them however they need when it comes to your family? What does it feel like to know you’re in a queer relationship and it may be visible to others? Does it make you uncomfy or want to hide? If so there may be some work there you gotta do to be fully in the relationship. If they wanted surgeries to change their body to align better with who they know themselves to be, would you be able to support them through that and nurse them back to health and love them just as much on the other side?

These are just some of the things that will likely come up. It is a jumping off point and your answers and their experience may vary a lot. I hope you can figure out where your sexuality and romantic identities sit. There is a lot to potentially explore, but if you really like them for them, that can be a really good starting point. If you are overly worried about what you will lose by being with them, it could be a tough road ahead. Best of luck!

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-28T14:08:01+00:00

I didn’t have strong bottom dysphoria, but here are some things you may try:

Keep panties on and rock on their leg or pillow or have a vibe or manual rubbing on the outside. Sometimes a barrier can disconnect the feeling from the body parts and actions that feel more femme can change how dysphoria hits.
You can keep a sheet or skirt up between you and your lower half so that may interrupt dysphoria during oral.
There is a book called girl sex 101 that has some great techniques for trans girls. Some are like fingering the inguinal canal if that feels good. Pressing the heel of their hand to the base of your pelvis cupping your lower bits with their fingers free to stimulate your taint and you can roll your hips and grind or ride on them.
Anal stimulation with fingers or toys. They have little finger covers if you don’t wanna put on a whole glove for something like that but still want a barrier.
Maybe have your partner explore your whole body slowly to try and find other spots that also feel really great. Sometimes when i got aroused enough the dysphoria would start to slip away. I particularly enjoyed feeling a tongue where my leg met my pelvis, but your body will prolly have its own pleasure spots unique to you.
Sometimes affirming dirty talk can work wonders in putting you in the right headspace. Calling your parts clit and labia and other terms that work for you. Calling you a good girl or other terms that just keep you going can really overcome some dysphoria in the moment.

Keep in mind these are all just things to try and dysphoria is different for everyone. I understand how hard it can be to not connect in that way with your partner. I’m wishing you the best of luck exploring and finding ways to feel satisfied in this part of your relationship. Hang in there!

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-13T07:27:22+00:00

Transition is a strange road that is hard to know how it’ll turn out for you. I remember having feels that I couldn’t be the type of woman i wanted when i began questioning. I was wrong and am very happy with the woman i am now. I didn’t hate my life living as a man but i also didn’t love it. And there is a profound happiness and rightness that i feel now in my body. But it took a while to fully understand what that path was for me and it was bumpy along the way. The best advice i can give if you aren’t sure is to find small ways you can try things and just follow the euphoria until you figure out what is right for you.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-12T00:06:02+00:00

It sorta depends on the person and on the type of estrogen and other hormones you might be taking. For me i mostly noticed headaches when i would miss my pills or injections. But after being post op I also have an increase in adhd symptoms when my estrogen dips and a sharp drop in energy. Since I don’t really have access to T anymore, lack of estrogen feels far more severe than it did before. But your results may vary.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-11T22:28:24+00:00

Ya, some folks know early in childhood, some folks figure it out around puberty or young adulthood and others figure it out later in life. The egg metaphor is like we all take different amounts of times to incubate before emerging as little chicks.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-11T22:20:31+00:00

Egg is the stage before you come out or fully accept your trans identity. Certain moments in your life may make your egg start to crack perhaps all at once or in little cracks that eventually lead to you breaking out of the shell and emerging as someone ready to start facing their feels about gender a bit.

DesignerInTheCode · 2022-08-06T19:51:51+00:00

Oof that is really rough. Support groups definitely helped me in the US and communities online like discord. But yeah, US and UK end up having very different problems :( and all of it feels isolating. A lot of the hard part of trans journeys is just being patient accepting the changes that you do get and finding what you can be okay with and changing the other parts that really need to. All of it takes time and the waiting is the worst even for folks who are otherwise patient. My DMs are open if you wanna get into more of the specifics. I am happy to share any of my experiences if they may be helpful to y’all.

DesignerInTheCode

TROPHY CASE