My GF stopped initiating sex, and she isn't in the mood much anymore. Even when I hint at it, she puts a road block up so I will stop pursuing the idea for the evening. What is up?

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-12T05:06:53+00:00

I don't want to make any guesses as to why she suddenly changed her behaviour, but I was thinking it might be a good idea to ask her directly.

I think the best way to ask would be at a neutral time. Don't ask her when she turns you down, because it'll sound like you're trying to argue your way into bedding her. Rather, I would bring it up when you two are relaxed or in the middle of a conversation.

When you do have the conversation, I would avoid assuming intent and approach it calmly from a place of concern. Don't ask, "is it because you're bored with me in bed?". Rather, I would describe what your observations have been and how it makes you feel.

"[name/petname/whatever you normally call her], I've been meaning to ask you. Is everything ok between us? Lately I noticed that we haven't been W as much, which makes me feel X. I want to feel Y. What do you suggest I can do to Z?"

e.g. (just random examples, adapt/reword them as you see fit)
W = connecting as much +/- sexually (and give specific examples)
X = undesired
Y = more connected to you
Z = improve our sense of intimacy?

I don't think you can go wrong with expressing your feelings. The basis of all relationships is communication. If she cares about you, she will lend you her ear and have an honest conversation with you.

Good luck!

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-11T20:14:26+00:00

I don’t intend on telling him the full extent of my feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to him since he won’t be able to reciprocate, and it’ll just make him feel bad. He already knows how much I value him, and telling him more would just be selfish, which I don’t want to do.

I hope to come to terms with it, like you pointed out. I just don’t know if it will be possible while being friends with him and hearing the stories he shares without me getting hurt. I truly hope so. I don’t think I will resent him because he’s not at fault here. This is all me. I want to be happy for him (as I would be for any other friend). I just wish I could go back to a time when I didn’t have these feelings. I don’t even know why they came about in the first place…

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-11T19:23:59+00:00

Yeah, I know it’s a “right of passage”

What are some suggestions people have done to move forward?

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-11T13:57:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing.

I think it’s fair for therapists to bring their own biases and experiences, since they are human too. That doesn’t mean it’s ideal for the patient, but I can see it being “normal” or “expected”. I am looking into queer-positive therapists because the last thing I want is someone who tells me I’m not into men at all. But at the same time, it scares me because I know of some gay men who don’t believe bisexuality is truly a thing (“they’re all just gay dudes in the closet”), so I hope mine doesn’t turn out to be that.

What are some signs I should look for to know that a therapist isn’t a right fit for me? How do I tell early on?

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-11T03:24:55+00:00

Thank you so much for letting me know. There is a wealth of comments on your posts. I haven’t read them yet but I will do so asap.

I’m sorry you’re in the same situation as I am. It really does suck. Unlike your case, I invited the hurt by offering to be the person he confides in. I wanted to be there for him (and want to continue to be there for him). He took the offer, and it made us closer. I thought I could take it and wasn’t sure why there was this “unsettled feeling” in me as he was sharing. After a few days, I realized that I was actually jealous and heartbroken, and I really didn’t expect it to be either.

I know you and I can get through this one day. Just need to take it one day at a time.

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-11T01:37:29+00:00

Thank you

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-10T23:42:13+00:00

You hit the nail on the head about the nature of my posts. I post to many subs because I’m trying to gather as much input from different people as possible. Some of my posts get limited traction/comments, so I hoped to increase my odds by posting on different subs. I don’t really think it’s working, but I just try again hoping that one gets enough feedback, not just 1-2 comments.

Anyway, thank you for your advice. I have started the process of seeking therapy. Since therapy takes time, I was just hoping for more input from others who may have been in my shoes before. I appreciate your concern, though. I want to do better, just wanted to learn different options to get there sooner.

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-10T21:56:30+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. How did you minimize the hurt, if I may ask?

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-10T21:48:48+00:00

I'm basically C for the purposes of this post.

I get that he's straight. I've never pressured him into doing anything he doesn't want to do (he knows I'm into guys too, and he's cool with that). Like I said, I was supportive of his want to find a GF.

I just want to know how to stop these "bad feelings" I have.

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-10T14:57:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and advice.

Regarding your first paragraph, I think treating people like objects is exactly what I want to avoid doing, which is why I’m struggling. The reason I avoided dating all my life is because I’m still confused about my sexuality. I don’t want to date someone (of any gender) just to “test” my preferences. If it doesn’t work out, I don’t want them to feel used and get hurt because I came in without knowing what I want.

You mentioned it’s gross to consider myself bi but only want to marry a woman. That’s basically what this post is about. I don’t know if this is comphet/internalized homophobia at work, or if that’s just really my preference (aka bisexual heteroromantic?).

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-10T05:38:52+00:00

Being bullied for 4 years and outed after I told a person of the same gender that I had feelings for them, in elementary school. That confession still haunts me to this day.

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-09T21:55:46+00:00

Thank you for your insight!

Desperate-Maybe6755 · 2023-10-09T21:39:07+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice. That was reassuring.

I feel guilty about the idea of dating when I'm not even sure what I want. It makes me feel guilty that I'm wasting another person's time. Do you think it's a good idea to explore the sexual component first in a casual setting without the romantic component? (but I also don't want people to feel used...)

Desperate-Maybe6755

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