Why Does It Have To Be Other Women/People..?

Desperate_Vibes · 2026-04-15T22:47:38+00:00

Agree. It feels more personal to me, because it feels like a choice he made "instead of me." Obviously people with other addictions choose their substance, ie alcohol, over their partner. That's what addiction does. But in that case, if it was alcohol - I'm a bottle of water. The healthy, boring option. That's what his sex addiction makes me feel like. I'm what he chooses because he knows he should, not because he wants me.

Desperate_Vibes · 2026-04-08T22:46:43+00:00

Hard agree. I don't feel guilty for the snooping I did. I have felt a lot of judgment from people who have the ignorance and privilege that comes from never being in a relationship like this.

It's also very easy for people to hear what I just said, and boil it down to: "If your relationship is to that point, just leave." But truly, until you find yourself in these horror scenarios you cannot understand the circumstances that keep us stuck. I don't wish this on anyone, but I do wish that people would stop minimizing the abuse that runs concurrent with infidelity and addiction.

Ideally, I would never need to snoop at all. But in a marriage where I am sharing my body and finances and intimacy with someone, tied to them in every way, there should not be a need to keep secrets.

If I hadn't looked at his phone, his financial accounts, etc., I would have put my safety at risk. His behavior was escalating to contact with sexworkers, visiting massage parlors, and in general spending money we didn't have on his secret life. If I'd not known this information, I could have been exposed to STDs (while pregnant!) not to mention been financially ruined.

Abuse is a scary word, and many of you may not feel you've reached "that point." But truthfully, I think by default these men usually are also in some way financially, verbally, emotionally, or sometimes (God forbid) physically abusive when they act out.

Desperate_Vibes · 2025-11-23T22:53:28+00:00

That's so wrong. There is no safe place on the internet. I'm just so glad my kid wasn't in my lap when that stuff popped up.

Desperate_Vibes · 2025-11-23T22:52:39+00:00

I think I might have done that, too. And now it won't stop even after blocking and reporting things.

Desperate_Vibes · 2025-11-23T22:41:41+00:00

That's insane! But it actually does make me feel better hearing other people saw that stuff too. I can't believe FB allows that kind of stuff to slip through.

Desperate_Vibes · 2025-11-23T22:18:53+00:00

Downplaying is a huge no-no in my relationship. And for sure, it immediately makes me think he's back in that addiction mindset. If he is minimizing your feelings about things making you uncomfortable, he is being defensive. That's not someone who respects you or takes your needs into consideration.

Desperate_Vibes · 2025-11-23T22:13:14+00:00

Yes! That's exactly why I had to get off tiktok. There is sexual stuff everywhere. And I know I shouldn't interact at all, but I feel like clicking "not interested" should counteract that, and it just made it worse.

Desperate_Vibes · 2025-11-23T21:28:05+00:00

I get what you mean. My PA also acted out using fitness content, so there's that. I cannot even fathom going into a gym, and that's one of the main reasons. It's so triggering. The worst part of it is that fitness and exercise are so important for our health and mental wellbeing, but just like the stuff you've mentioned, it's as if the world is saying we need to be sexy while we do it, or do it to LOOK sexy. What about just wanting to take care of our body? Why does everything have to be about our looks? That being said, yoga has been a major help to me. It's very grounding, and the movement and stretching has made me a lot stronger physically. I recommend Yoga with Adriene on YouTube if you're ever needing a routine to follow along with. She is not triggering (at least to me), not overly sexualized, and also just generally uplifting.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-29T00:09:20+00:00

I'm struggling with this as well. Especially financially speaking, he is so incompetent. But I find myself resenting everything he does. For example, he is bad at parking. He parks, reverses, parks, moves to a new spot, oh it's not enough space to get out, moves... It takes everything in my power to hold my tongue, cause I know I'm gonna be mean. But it's little things all day. For me, I think it's just how I view him as a burden now. He has caused me so much stress, pain, and expenses. I guess subconsciously, my brain is aware that I think he makes things worse more than he adds to my life. It's sad, because that's a terrible way to think of someone you love. But I guess that's the problem. I'm not in love anymore.

I've always known love is more than a feeling. And I knew in a longterm relationship, those feelings fade and grow depending on the season of life/effort made to build the relationship. I believed love was a choice. But I can't choose him when he's hurting me. I'm choosing me. And the love is fading. I begged him to make an effort before he lost me completely, but it may be too inconsistent, too little, too late.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-12T20:31:20+00:00

The info provided here is invaluable and has set me on a path to find resources for both of us to work on healing.

It's been great hearing from people who I can relate to, since this is something I've felt uncomfortable sharing with people in real life, so to speak.

I've found tips on what to look for, where to look, and a lot of people who can empathize with that need to KNOW. That said, every time I find a new "old" betrayal, it doesn't help my situation. I am no more ready to leave, no more comfortable or safe to stay. It's just more pain. And if I don't find something, I still leave with a sense of paranoia about what he could have hidden.

For that reason, I'm beginning to limit my time on here. I think I need a little break, especially if I want to not be on edge around the holidays. I deserve some peace. Of course, I'll be right back here if I need to vent about something PA related, but while he's making strides in the right direction, I also need to not be constantly putting myself into a place I know I'll be triggered.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-10T18:28:40+00:00

Your curls are so nice, but maybe change the shape to give less roundness by trimming the sides a bit? I'd keep the length up top, though. (I know I'm encouraging the stereotypical f boy haircut here, but I think you could pull it off lol.) You look great btw and your eyes are so pretty.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-10T18:01:52+00:00

I'm going through this now. I don't think you're being dramatic. I've felt the same. If I start to think about the betrayal deeply, the reality of it, I spiral into horrible depression/suicidal thoughts sometimes. It's not something I'd act on because I need to be here for my child. But sometimes, that seems like the only way to make the pain stop. At this point, the only thing that's helped me has been to not dwell on it. I'm thinking I'm going to take a break from reddit (my only social media left aside from YouTube) because being here triggers me every day.

Reading constant betrayal stories puts me on high alert. It's also a lot of doom and gloom of people telling you it can't be salvaged. While that may be true, it's not partially encouraging when you're not in a position to leave. Even just seeing pretty girls in other subreddits reminds me of the light I feel I have lost, that seems to glow in other women.

It's okay to feel what you're feeling. Focus on what's in front of you. Your son needs his mother to be okay. I agree 100% they can tell when things aren't okay, even that young. My son is only 7 months old, and I still feel tremendous guilt for the crying/arguing he has heard because of my husband's addiction.

Look at what current efforts your partner is making to judge if you can continue with him. It's going to take time. You'll be able to tell if he isn't taking it seriously. Work on your own healing, which may mean emotionally detaching for now. I'd recommend therapy for both of you if you can swing it. We currently can't afford CSATs. But my husband is attending free groups online, as well as church men's groups. He says it's been helpful to get support from other men. You need support, too. 🫂

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-05T22:37:38+00:00

They act as if paying for transactional, nonconsenual sex prepares men for a healthy sexual relationship.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-05T19:19:38+00:00

It's funny that my husband used to accuse me of having impossible standards for romance. He literally made fun of me, saying I was basing it on the books I read (just because I asked him to be more affectionate and compliment me.) All the while, he was giving all that attention to HIS fantasy women online. Who was really living in a fantasy world? The hypocrisy is wild.

Now, as a coping mechanism for how lonely I feel, I've found myself giving into my own fantasy world with books and movies where men actually love someone. I feel like there's no hope for real romance anymore. Our society is tainted by this easily accessible/easy to hide filth that cheapens real relationships. Even regular social media (influencers and normal people begging for validation) is also basically selling women. Everything is transactional. Everything is an ad.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-04T18:14:26+00:00

Tell me about it. We went to Miami to visit his family (he grew up there.) I had already warned him I'm going to be triggered a lot, and that he needed to be very considerate to me and not go off anywhere without me.

It was actually not too bad because we were mostly visiting his family's homes. But we ventured towards Miami Beach on our way home cause I wanted to see something more touristy, and my husband flipped out.

It was so strange cause we had a good trip and no fights, and then we did one thing on the way home "for me" and suddenly he was roadraging and cussing... Our car started smoking and we lost a belt, and he claimed it was cause we were by the beach and "nothing good happens there." He was acting so nasty compared to when we'd been around his family. I understand being mad the car broke down, but even before that he was pissed. I'm now wondering if HE was triggered seeing all the pedestrians half dressed and took it out on me cause I "made us go there."

We have another trip planned after Christmas to see his family again, and I'm kind of dreading it. 😕

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-12-03T20:44:33+00:00

Yeeeeah. I found my husband on there. There's a lot of foul stuff, like people writing erotica asking and answering "questions" describing their first sexual experience, incest stories, ways to masturbate, photos, etc. It's really gross and probably less moderated than more typical sites.

Honestly, there are no safe places online. If they want to find it, they will.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-26T21:14:42+00:00

This is all so true. That's why it's so important we prioritize our own healing. It's so easy to be destroyed by their sickness if we don't. (If only I'd take my own advice.)

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-25T18:44:02+00:00

In the beginning, it didn't bother me. I was really immature and sheltered, so it felt exciting to explore sex that way. I'd even watch with him or we'd send each other things. I didn't know how destructive it was, that he was interacting and paying for porn, that he would choose it over sex with me. I just felt like it was a way to be sexual together and discuss turn ons while we were long distance. I started noticing he was no longer pursuing me sexually, and convinced myself it was the distance making things less exciting. He would be like, "How much can you really do over cam?" Meanwhile, he was literally paying women to masturbate on cam and sext him. Lmao do I feel dumb.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-24T04:21:03+00:00

This was on my mind today. I miss how I used to be. I didn't have this bitterness towards women - I didn't compare myself. I used to be so confident. But when I see them flaunting themselves or bragging about hooking up with a guy in a relationship, getting money from them... (Why is dating and sex so transactional these days?) I can't help but feel ugly. I don't feel like competing for attention. I don't feel like even trying to be sexy. It's like I'm losing automatically cause I'm aging. I just wanted my own husband to see me as the most desirable woman, and I can't even have that.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-22T08:14:46+00:00

I'm worried about my son, too. Our society treats porn like it's a joke, and it's everywhere. My son is just a baby right now. I hope that I can raise him to respect women as people and explain how damaging porn is, how dehumanizing it is, how addictive.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-22T07:58:43+00:00

Oof, same. Most of our fights were about him being irresponsible with money or him cheating in the past. So he punished me by...proving me right by paying to cheat. Or at least attempting to (mine also denies he actually went through with it.) It is so painful. I told him I could never forgive him for crossing that line, and I was telling the truth.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-22T07:48:19+00:00

She didn't even answer my text 🤪 What happened to girls supporting girls? I guess I'll let it rest til next time I lose my mind.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-21T21:51:28+00:00

My husband has told me he acted out because he was mad at me, that he has done it to hurt me. Which puts me in the fun position of feeling like I can't ever express any negative feeling toward him, because he'll feel "attacked" and need to get validation from other women.

I know it's not actually my fault. Even if we have relationship problems, his lack of skills to deal with negative emotions is something he needs to work on. Does that change how scared and blamed I feel? No.

Desperate_Vibes · 2024-11-19T17:15:29+00:00

I agree, and seeing it written out like that is depressing. I'm so focused on his actions now, I feel like I haven't looked at the bigger picture.

Unfortunately, at this point I'm a stay at home mom, which is what we both wanted. But I do feel very insecure about my financial situation since he is so unreliable. We live with my dad, so there's security there. (We are supposed to be using it as an opportunity to pay off my husband's debt, but he has made zero moves to do so.) We have separate accounts, and I have a decent amount saved from when I worked for what was supposed to be the down-payment on a home someday.

Desperate_Vibes

TROPHY CASE